Checking In

Well it's been awhile now hasn't it?  Last time I posted it was 32 days until we were leaving for Disneyland and I was having terrible anxiety about not fitting into the airplane seat, being kicked off, and causing the worst scene ever.  Well, guess what?  I went on my trip, I flew, I fit on the plane (yes, I needed an extender, but barely), I was comfortable, it was actually fun flying (though I HATE turbulence), and I fit just fine on every single ride I went on.  I felt so free!  I am going to do a post, hopefully, just about our trip, and how it went, but this post is one that I've been needing to write.  Now, I know there probably isn't anyone out there reading these anyway, but I've got to get it out.

I've slacked off.  On December 11, 2012 I started my "journey" to lose my evil twin.  Now it's been almost 2 whole years and my weight keeps yo-yoing around 40 pounds lost (of which I lost most of this weight by April 15, 2013...so within a 5 month period).

I still weigh enough that I can't even put the true numbers out there publicly yet, though someday when I'm truly an "after", I'll do it.  I already have my "fat pants" picked out for when I lose all the weight.  In fact, the 40 pounds I have lost has made it to where I can't hardly wear those pants anymore, but I'm such an awkward size/shape right now, that I can't really buy new work pants yet because they aren't comfortable enough for me.  So I still wear them, knowing they are ridiculously baggy, and make me look sort of frumpy.  But I have a big belly still that has a lot of fat that hangs down, so a lot of pants look really bad on me.  I can easily tell you that someday, if I lose all this weight, absolutely 100% I will have to have skin removal surgery.  Even if I have to pay for it all up front myself, it's going to happen.  There will be so much.  EW.  It's disgusting.  Seriously.

Anyway, so I've been bouncing around 40 pounds lost:  I'll gain 5-6 pounds back, then get my business somewhat back together, and lose it again.  So right now, I'm at almost 43 pounds lost.  I feel a lot better, but I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.  I bought a months worth of Shakeology (that shit is way to fucking expensive however, I have had less cravings for crappy food overall, but the cost isn't worth it when I can make protein shakes/smoothies myself that keep me full and happy), and also a package of Shaun T Hip Hop Abs stuff.  I borrowed a disc from my "coach", and did it for a week or two, then had that Disney vacay to go on so I lost track of it.  I've been losing the weight again, but not tracking anything in MyFitness Pal (except my weigh-ins), and haven't been working out.  I feel more energetic since I've been trying to eat a little better, more fruits and veggies and salads for lunch (another post that will be coming soon!), but it's not enough. 

Talking to a friend at work about the need to work out more...I cannot stand just going to the gym to sit on an exercise bike for 45 minutes, or walk on the treadmill or even the elliptical which I prefer of the three, but it's what I do, when I go because I'm to scared to go near the weight stacks. 

I'm a big girl.  I have strength due to my size.  I have a lot of fat to convert to muscle.  I love to lift weights.  But I have no idea of what routine to follow, etc.  And guess what?  I don't have one single person to go with me that would be helpful.  Right now, I also don't have any free time due to work and familial obligations outside of work.  Ugh. 

What I really want to do is Crossfit type stuff, but I can't afford another gym membership, especially one that's like $50-100 a month.  No way.  A friend suggested jump-roping and another hula hooping.  I have a jump rope and I'm going to give it a try, but really, truly want to get into the weights.  Where there is a will there is a way I supposed.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Boom!

All right folks, I'm pretty stoked to say I have lost a total of 40 pounds! 

I'm super proud, and even more motivated than ever.  I did the Advocare cleanse starting April 6, but found myself off the wagon pretty much right after I completed it.  I started it again, on May 12, however, I didn't take all the Herbal Cleanse pills...I took them one night last week, and didn't fall asleep fast enough before they kicked in, and awake and cracked out for hours...it sucked.

 

Anywho...I've kept with my morning shakes, and healthy snacks, and good food choices and have managed to break through a weight loss plateau of 4 days...I know, I know...what's 4 stinking days for a "plateau"?  Well, when you consistently lose a pound plus a day then are stuck on the same number for 4 days when you are tracking every bite and drinking water and moving a LOT...well, it's a plateau.

 

I've also moved to drinking 2 Advocare shakes a day.  I have been eating healthy snacks between meals like baby carrots, plain almonds, an occasional string cheese or applesauce, and sometimes fruit like bananas.  Bananas and almonds could be one of my absolute favorite snack combinations.  Careful not to eat too many almonds, lots of fat in there.

 

I've been tracking everything in MyFitnessPal.  I've also made a move towards trying to not have any snacks after dinner.  I aim for lots of protein, veggies, and complex carbs for dinner now, and to get enough to last me through the evening, but not overindulge.

 

As for physical activity, I need to step it up there, but feel like I need to be careful not to push into that too hard, or I could end up falling off the wagon.  Something I've found in my pattern of weight loss/weight gain, is that when I start losing, I feel good.  Then I start working out (rather than just getting out and moving more for fun), but then I become ravenous and end up going overboard into a full blown downward spiral. 

 

Tonight I'm going to try Hip Hop Abs.  A friend loaned it to me, and me and the kiddo are going to give it a try.  I also have a DVD that another friend loaned me...Walking Away Pounds with Leslie Sansome.  I haven't tried that one either (shamefully I've had it in my possession for a couple months now), but think I'll alternate the Hip Hop Abs with the walking DVD and hope to see some results in the next 32 days.  I really should get on my bike more too...I really want to race a Mommy/Parent race at the BMX track this summer at least once, and feel myself so drawn to it like I'd kick some ass, so I really should start working on it!

 

We are going to Disneyland in a month, and I'm trying to lose as much as I can and get as healthy as possible for our trip.  I want to fit in the airplane seat, I want to fit on as many rides as possible, and I want to keep up with the family.  I just want to have fun!  I also bought an adorable new bathing suit top from Torrid and really want it to look awesome. 

 

My main goal right now is to try and lose 13-23 more pounds.  I would be most happy with 23, but 13 is more realistic.  I can do it.  Especially if I stick with the 2 a day Advocare Shakes and healthy snacks and meals, and getting exercise most days of the week. 

Trust me, I'll keep you posted!

 

32 Days to Disneyland!!!

My Mother's Day...

My Mother's Day began with my little man presenting me with this adorable gift he made me at school. 

In case you can't tell, it's a cupcake-shaped container, like a little jewelry box.

He also had this with it.  He wrote about all the things he loves about me, and why I'm special to him.  Can I tell you at this point, I was BAWLING my eyes out?  I framed it and hung it on the wall in my room.  This is quite possibly the BEST Mother's Day, ever!

How lucky that we also had SUN today!  

It was so nice when the sun was shining, but so chilly when it was behind the clouds! 

I didn't  mind it disappearing behind the clouds as long as it came back.

Here I am, thoroughly enjoying the warmth and sun while the boys played on their bikes at the park!

After hanging out at the park, we came home and made an awesome dinner of pork ribs, asparagus, and loaded baked potatoes.  MMMM.

We ended the day with this A-MAZE-ING Tiramisu that hubby bought for my Mother's Day sweet treat.  We ate WAY too much of it (but I'm starting the Advocare Cleanse again tomorrow for 10 days, so I figured eat what I could since I won't eat anymore after today), but we did freeze a couple of pieces for my birthday next month.  

Anyway, I've gotta say that I am one LUCKY Mom, and my boys really made it special for me.

I love you, boys!

Weekend Check-In

So it's been a few days since my last post...I've been working to stick to the clean eating, and  drinking lots of water, and I've sold off the rest of the Advocare crack pills.  I'm not knocking their products, don't get me wrong...they are just not for me.  I think I've been doing pretty good, and I've found myself really putting effort into making sure I'm eating better.  I also find that when I eat this better, wholesome food, I feel fuller longer...which is amazing.  I am also not having extreme cravings for anything.  I've decided that I'm not going to totally deprive myself of certain things (slippery slope I know), but I'm going to make damn sure I'm not being a gross pig about it either.  

For example, today after BMX races, we decided to get pizza for lunch.  I was scared I would over indulge...something takes over me and I end up eating seven pieces of pizza normally...but that didn't happen.  I'm so proud...here's why:  normally we buy a large all-meat pizza for our little family of three.  We generally eat half of it, then take the rest home, then snack on it over the next day or two.  Today I convinced my husband that we should only buy a SMALL and I ate 2.5 pieces of that.  That's it.  I was so full from that and my 2 salads (no croutons, with oil and vinegar for dressing only), that I couldn't imagine eating more than that.  I left there satisfied, not feeling guilty or depressed, and proud of myself.

I have broken my promise and have gotten on the scale.  As of this morning I am down 12.2 pounds!!!

I've made up a big batch of garden vegetable soup made from a chicken I had in the freezer...so good, and rather low cal but full of delicious nutrients!  That will be my dinner, and probably lunch for a couple of days.  I've been fighting a cold off, so this type of food is right up my alley.  I'm making sure to have a healthy service of fruit each day, and started a B-12 supplement today.  I figure it can't hurt to have the B-12 supplement, it will only help me have a little more energy which lets face it, who couldn't?  I just don't need so much extra energy that I want to paint the house while vacuuming my car at the same time.  You know?

Anywho, I'll check in again in a few days.  I'm right now 30.8 pounds away from my Disneyland goal with about twice that in days to get there.  I know I can do it.  Especially if I watch my protein intake and not overdo it, get some working out in (which I am taking a Zumba class each Monday in May, and then plan on making Wednesdays my workout/sauna day at the gym...you know, me time).

I'm trying to decide if I want to buy myself a 25 pound treat when I get there.  Last time I lost 25 pounds I bought a cute necklace and charm...but rarely wear it. I'm not a big jewelry fan.  Maybe I'll get my nails done...

Advocare is done...

As you could tell from my previous post detailing my last day of the 10 (11) day Herbal Cleanse, I'm pretty much off the Advocare.  I debated trying to do the Max Phase, but couldn't bring myself to take supplements that could possibly make me feel terrible.  Getting healthy is supposed to make you feel good, and if it makes you feel bad, then why proceed?

 

Today and tomorrow are the last two of the meal replacement shakes that I got with the program. I  really like them, and want to find something like them.  They are a bit too expensive for the only 14 servings you get in the box.  The chocolate mocha flavor is amazing though...

 

Anyway, I'm going to eat clean.  I'm going to try to avoid dairy (except for my protein shakes, which I'm sure I could make dairy free), breads/cereals, fried foods, processed foods, sugars, etc. My mind still wants them...like a big fat juicy burger, but at the same time, I know I would feel so sick if I ate that.  I'd rather have an awesome chicken salad or make the burger myself at home, and wrap it in some lettuce leaves. 

 

I'm trying not to weigh myself every day, because I know I'll have days where I barely lose anything, and that will be discouraging, though weighing myself once a week I get antsy. 

I'm going to set a goal now...I won't weigh myself again until Monday morning. Once I weigh in Monday morning, I won't weigh myself again except for weekly on Mondays.  I think that makes sense...we'll see!

 

I can tell you that as of this morning I'm down 11.2 pounds, and am 31.4 pounds away from my first "mini" goal.  This is the realistic goal I set for myself for our Disney trip, however, anything past that by then will be amazing!

Stick with me, and you'll get to enjoy the journey...

 

You know, someday I would love to do that thing at Disneyworld in Florida:

day 1 is a 5k

day 2 is a 10 k

day 3 is a half marathon

day 4 is a full marathon

Someday...hopefully by my 40th birthday I can get there...

Oh God, seriously...saying "by the time I'm 40" makes me have anxiety!!!

Advocare Day 11

Day 11.

To start, I thought I'd give my measurements after my first 10 days, even though today is technically my last day of the cleanse phase...oh, by the way, down 10.6 pounds this morning!!!!

 

Calf:   21"  --  20.75  =  .25" loss

Thigh:   34.5"  --  34.5"  =  What?  No change??? Um...I don't know.

Hips:   66"  --  64  =  2" loss

Waist:   64"  --  62  =  2" loss!

Chest:   60"  --  58.5  =  1.5" loss

Forearm:  13"  --  12.75  =  .25" loss

Bicep:   17"  --  16.25  =  1.25" loss

Neck:   17.25"  --  16.75  =  .50" loss

So according to these numbers after 10 full days, I've lost 7.75 inches!  I'm excited, but I feel like it might not be totally true, since I feel like I can measure myself six times in a row and come up with six different numbers.  Allow me to believe I actually shrank a little...please?
Well, we'll see.  I'm going to do it again at the end of the Max Phase, and we'll see how that goes, then I'll start measuring myself the morning of the 1st of each month just to keep on it.  I've been told that's a much better way to measure progress than the scale.  I like how the numbers on the scale are dropping though!  
I also think I need to stop weighing myself every day.  It's not so much that I get obsessive over it, it's that I get discouraged if I don't have a significant loss each day.  So, I think the next time I weigh in will be the morning of day 8, so I can have followed the Max Phase for a full 7 days before weighing in again.
One of my partners-in-crime started Max Phase today, and says she feels good! (Insert bouncing up and down and eyes bugged out here).  I'm a bit worried.  I'm going to try to figure out exactly which packet did it to her, and try and halve it.  There's no way I can handle that. 
Later: After further discussion, we decided we knew that it was a probably she waited an hour before eating after taking her supplements that should have been taken 30 minutes before eating.  Also, I think I'll be taking only half of the packet to see how it affects me before jumping in headfirst.
I also found this cool graphic about Spark and other energy drinks...very cool to see it all side by side like this.  After reading, I think a Sugar Free Redbull is just right for my energy needs.  Not during exercise, just when I need a kick in the pants...
http://www.healthbymom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Spark-Comparison-Energy-1024x620.jpeg
 

Pre-Breakfast:  java java java java java...yes, had a cup of black coffee before my shower, and it was so good.  I missed you so, Joe.

Breakfast:  Meal replacement shake.  I only have 3 left after today, and I'm too cheap to order 14 days worth at $42.  I'm going to go back to my Premier Protein Shakes, and start mixing in coffee in some way, or check out the Chocolate Mocha protein shake mix at Monarch.

Snack:  Mix of strawberries, almonds, and baby carrots...a couple rogue grapes in there too.

Pre-Lunch:  Water.  Lots of it.  I'm off the Spark.  I definitely feel like my energy level has come down a little, but still feel nothing like I did before I started the program.  Again, I'm going to try to get some sublingual b vitamins to use.

Lunch:  1 whole wheat pita thin with 2 packets of tuna.  One for each side.  Lots of protein to wash away those carbs.  I also had a half a tomato and a peeled cucumber.  Used spicy brown mustard for the "sammies". 

Snack:  3 hardboiled eggs.

Dinner:  Southwest Chicken salad (made at home): Arugula, black beans (rinsed well), rotisserie chicken (chopped, about 1 cup), cherry tomatoes, 1 medium avocado (diced), green Herdez salsa for dressing.  So delicious!!!  Was perfect too.  I really am starting to see myself eat LESS food to get full and satisfied and nourished.  I have much more energy too.  I am so happy.

Snack:  Bowl of steamed Edamame pods with some Netflix to end the day!

Advocare Day 10/9

Day 10 (9).

  

Well, here we are.  Kinda Day 10. but kinda my day 9.  I have one more Fiber Drink and one more packet of the probiotics for tomorrow morning (so that would be the official day 10).

Woke up and weighed in today.... DOWN 9 POUNDS!  So proud of myself!

I gotta say, I don't even really crave junk food.  Just protein.  Not even really missing dairy at all either, except Greek Yogurt mixed with Bran cereal and frozen blueberries.  
That combo is the beezneez. 

I have been considering buying some more Advocare products, however, I know there are similar products at the local Monarch Medical office where I live, where they are a bit cheaper, and I can browse, and not worry about shipping.  I think I'll swing by there and see what I can get.  Day after tomorrow I start the Max phase of the 24 Day Challenge.  I'm a little nervous, as the packet of pills say something like equivalent to 2.5 cups of coffee or something, and you eat them with lunch...that might be a problem for me, sleep wise.  Not sure how it will go but I will try it.  If it doesn't work out, then I still have clean eating and green tea to fall back on, right?

I'm abandoning the Spark entirely after today.  I've finished up the half-used packets I had, but this stuff isn't right for me. 

Do I sound like a hypochondriac baby yet? No?  Yes?  I can't tell.  All I know is when something makes me feel shitty, I aint gonna take any more.  I am very thankful I started this program, so I could really get back into things, and I really feel like I'm on a great path.  I have really put effort into eating healthier foods...I also have so much more energy, don't feel bloated and swollen, and don't feel so depressed and down.  I just can't get used to the super cracky feeling...my head feels like it's literally buzzing in my brain when I'm all jacked up on that stuff, and I do not like it.
I loved the 10 day cleanse, and will probably do it again later down the road in a couple months...Probably right before I go on my vacation.
 Today I was pretty tired and stressed at work.  Decided I want to keep up on the no dairy as much as possible save something here or there...like not drinking that International Delight Creamer anymore...I'm going to transfer to a soy or coconut creamer, but I'm gonna have me some coffee in the morning since I'm giving up the Spark.  I will be buying some B-12 sub-lingual tabs for the extra energy, but not drinking it all day long...I can grab a RedBull if I really need it.
I was really stressed today at work, but not once did I ever feel like I needed to eat to make it better.  No chocolate craving, no "screw this, I'm eating a huge burger".  I feel proud. 
Tomorrow is the last day of the cleanse for me, then it's on to the Max Phase (which I'm sort of scared of by the way.  I'm scared it will make me feel all cracky).  Trust me, you'll hear all about that too.  Keep in mind, I'm overly sensitive and a hypochondriac. If you would like to read the official stuff about this phase, here's a link http://www.advocare.com/products/trim/T1131.aspx
No, I'm not an Advocare Rep, and I was not paid or compensated in any way.

Pre-Breakfast:  Started a Spark to take to work and sip throughout the day.

Breakfast:  Citrus Fiber Drink/Meal Replacement Shake

Snack:  Mixture of baby carrots, strawberries, grapes, and plain almonds.

Pre-Lunch:  NA

Lunch:  leftover dinner from last night:  chicken breast, Normandy veggies, and mashed sweet potatoes (I ate way too much...I feel like I have a brick in my throat).

Snack:  3 Hardboiled eggs/Black tea with sugar free raspberry syrup from Dutch Bros (this was a splurge in my opinion).

Dinner:  Baja Fresh: Baja Ensalada with chicken and Cilantro ranch dressing.  7 chips, and lots of green salsa...now I'm burphing chips.  Blegh.  I think I'll skip on the fried stuff from here on out entirely.  Not gonna hurt me, just help me.

Snack:  Strawberries...I think.

Photo by me.

Advocare Day 9

Day 9 (but sort of day 8).

Woke up and weighed myself this morning.  I am down 8 pounds!  I am down 1.4 pounds since Friday.  I am so glad I was still able to lose after this weekend, though I don't know why I worried because I didn't go all balls out, and quite frankly, I did a ton of standing and walking.

I've drank at least 5 bottles of water today.  32 oz bottles of water.  I couldn't get enough water in me while we were out of town, so it was awesome to just chug-a-lug all day...

One thing I've been thinking about is how much I miss my coffee...I read the packet again, and it doesn't appear in the avoid list, or the moderation list.  I figure why can't I have one or two cups a day with a non-dairy natural creamer like coconut milk or something?  We will see.  So far, I'm seeing great success, and feel like I can stick with this clean eating in the long run, and my energy is okay even without the Spark because I'm not eating crappy food all day...

Pre-Breakfast:  Half a Spark mixed with 24 ounces of water that I'll be sipping on throughout the day.  I love that it gives me some focus, and some energy, but it's too much for me I think.  The increased energy has started to give me anxiety, and after the full-blown panic attack I had last Thursday, there is no f-ing way I'm drinking a whole Spark again anytime soon.  Also took a Probiotic, followed with the not-so-delicious Citrus Fiber Drink. Mmm Mmm BLEGH!

Breakfast:  Blended meal replacement shake.  I seriously love these.  Wish they were a tad less sweet, but thinking in the long run, they would be awesome mixed with black coffee instead of water.

Snack:  Grapes and strawberries and baby carrots.

Pre-Lunch:  NA

Lunch:  Baked chicken breast and tomato and arugula salad with vinaigrette with 2 hard-boiled eggs and a peeled and sliced cucumber.

Snack:  Just grazed on the strawberries and grapes that were in the fridge.

Dinner:  Leftover chicken breast with mashed sweet potato (no additions), Normandy veggies (broccoli, cauli, green and yellow squashes, and carrots).  It was deelish!

Snack:  Banana and strawberries and peanut butter.

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse pills.

Advocare Days 6-7-8

Days 6-7-8

Day 6:
I took my probiotic in the AM, grabbed a half Spark (we were gonna be in the car, so I wouldn't have a way to expend the energy it gives me, which then causes severe anxiety, so why go there?), and drank my meal replacement shake and we were off.  I was armed with gallons of water, and a case of water for the weekend so I could stay hydrated.  I didn't consider the face that we were going to the high desert.  I feel like beef jerky within hours of arriving.  I had shopped the day before we left and bought bananas, natural almonds, and was armed with my meal replacement shakes.  I also knew we had an Applebee's restaurant right next to our hotel where we would eat our main meals.  What a disaster...ish.  So, the first day we decide we better catch some lunch before the boys go to practice.  Their salads are all like 800-1500 calories, because they are all totally loaded down with crap.  I ended up picking the Fiesta Chicken Chopped Salad, dressing on the side (which I didn't eat any of). The worst part was the salad had little strips of chips, and shredded cheese on it.  Still, I figured it wouldn't be the worst thing I could have had.  My kiddo got a chicken strip kids meal but hated it, so I ate the extra grilled chicken breast...more protein!

For dinner later that night, we were back at Applebee's, but for dinner I had a 7oz sirloin steak, with steamed veggies, and a plain baked potato.  It wasn't the amazing burger my hubby ate, but I was really trying to stick to protein and veggies, and still felt bad about my chips and cheese on the salad.  To make up for my guilt, I ate 3 fries from my kiddos plate.  So lame right?  I still felt like I was winning because I opted to NOT eat the quesadilla burger. 

Took my Herbal Cleanse pills, drank a gallon of water, and went to bed.

Day 7:

Took my probiotic in the morning, drank my meal replacement shake for breakfast, and grabbed an apple and orange from the continental breakfast at the hotel.  Watched hubby and kiddo eat Belgian waffles, biscuits and gravy, and drink OJ and Apple juice.  No protein at all on the menu.  Lame!

Off to the track we went.  I had my backpack loaded down with beef jerky (I know, not "clean" eating, however, it was better than the concessions options at the track I thought), bananas, nuts, and water.  Also drank a Spark throughout the day to help keep total starvation at bay.  My biggest issue throughout the day was feeling like I hadn't had enough protein.  Another issue was it was so dry there, that no matter what I was chugging water and still needed more.  So I couldn't really tell if I was hungry, or thirsty.  

We didn't leave the track for lunch, so hubby had a hot dog, kiddo had a deep fried chicken strip meal with fries, and I had my banana and beef jerky and lots of water.  I did sneak a small chicken tender and a handful of fries from the kiddo.  Man, my stomach was feeling that grease.

After racing we met up with some of the other team at a local pizza place.  I was grateful in a way as they had an all you can eat salad bar, so I had 2 heaping plates of salad with had carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, peas, onions, and pepperoncinis.  I only used the oil and vinegar for dressing.

BUT...then I fell victim to 3 small pieces of taco pizza.  If you know me, you know I love pizza.  And we just had pizza at work on Wednesday and I toughed it out.  But at work it wasn't right in my face staring at me...it is what it is.  

Forgot to take my Herbal Cleanse pills...dammit. 

Day 8:

Probiotic and Meal Replacement shake.  I was supposed to start the Fiber Drink again today, but figured since I forgot to take the Herbal Cleanse the night  before, and we would be at the event center all day then the car for hours, probably it was better to take the cleanse pills tonight and drink the drink tomorrow.

At the hotel breakfast they had hard-boiled eggs this time, so I ate 2 of those for extra protein.  Was so grateful to see them.  Headed to the track.  Didn't take any food with us into the event center.  Hubby and kiddo and I ended up each eating an all beef hot dog.  I felt guilty for eating the bread, but we skipped french fries, skipped soda (though kiddo did get a sno cone and I had 2 bites of it), and drank a lot more water.  On our way back home, we were planning on stopping and eating lunch somewhere, but ended up deciding against it.  So I snacked on a banana and almonds.  That's a super yummy combo.  Seriously.  I did cheat and got a plain iced tea from McD's (just pulled through for drinks), because I had zero Spark today again, knowing we were going to be in the car for hours.

Got home, and I decided I was making dinner.  Ended up having baked chicken breast, steamed rainbow chard, and a plain baked potato.  I know I should probably skip the potato, or at least eat a baked sweet potato, but I didn't. I really needed the hearty, home-cooked meal.  I had 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese on it.  Which was good, but not worth it I'm sure.  I've been pretty proud that I've been dairy free...missing my coffee and creamer for sure though...

Anyway, I bought strawberries and grapes for dessert tonight.  Then Herbal Cleanse pills, and back to my Fiber drink for 3 more days starting tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm totally back at it all the way.  Will weigh in tomorrow in the AM.  Have no clue what the scale will say, 

but I hope it's kind to me.

Advocare Day 5

Day 5.

Day 5, feelin alive.  LOL.  I feel good.  Last night when I went to bed though, I was freezing!!!  It was a bit chillier than normal, but even in my normally warm bed, I couldn't get warm!  I had to get an extra blanket.  Weird. Anyway, things are back on track today, and I'm very excited.  I weighed in again today, and now I'm down a total of 6 pounds.  Love it!  

I am also considering signing up to be a distributor.  I really believe in these products so far, and feel like I can really get somewhere in the long run.  I know its only the 5th day and all, but I want to reach my goal someday, and quite frankly, I'm headed in the right direction!

First goal is to squeeze my (hopefully less by then) wide ass into an airplane seat without getting asked to buy an extra seat.  Disneyland is in June, and that's coming FAST!  Plus, I want to be able to ride as many of the rides as possible, feel better in my bathing suit at the pool, and keep up with my energetic family!  I want them to have to keep up with me!

On a more serious note, I really wish I could have weight loss surgery.  My insurance unfortunately doesn't cover any weight loss related services.  None.  It seems so silly to me.  I know that I could greatly benefit from it, and would be so motivated and gain back all my energy.  In a heartbeat. 

Pre-Breakfast:  Mango Strawberry Spark and Probiotic.

Breakfast:  Chocolate Mocha meal replacement shake.

Snack:  Edamame (This would be good instead of popcorn for a movie...takes an hour and a half to eat!

Pre-Lunch:  Watermelon Spark.  By the way, I've peed about 16 times already, which by the way, when it's "that time" is super LAME!

Lunch:  Lunch was late again since I left work early, and then had to go shopping for weekend supplies and lady things.  Ugh.  Anyways I had a Pita Thin split in half, with a Boca burger in each side, with mustard, pickles, tomato, and a huge handful of arugula in each side.  So good.

Snack:  I had 2 hardboiled eggs, and apples with natural peanut butter.

Event:  I was driving to the track and had a MAJOR panic attack.  I think I was still pretty energized from the Spark I finished off at about 2...I started feeling discomfort in my jaw, then started thinking I was having a heart attack, then was thinking my pulse was too high, which then causes uneven breathing and lack of oxygen to the brain, which then makes you think you are going to pass out, all of which happened while I was driving down the freeway.  This is not awesome.  I seriously wondered if I was going to have to wave the cop down that was next to me at the light.  I literally pulled into the 1st parking lot I could find, yanked the e-brake, jumped out of my car, and was doubled over taking huge deep breaths, and trying to calm myself.  It was not fun.  No crushing pain in my chest, no back pain, no sharp pains, no nausea, nothing like that.  Just felt like the darkness was coming...Worst thing I've experienced since about 2002 when I had my very first panic attack.  I want to blame the Spark, but I know I have untreated anxiety.  We'll see. Sucks.

Dinner:  I'm sitting here wondering what it will be...

Snack:  Not quite sure yet.

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse pills.  Gulp.  Goodnight!

*Note:  I will be unavailable for updates for days 6-7-8, but will have a day 9 recap for you, I promise*

Advocare Day 4

Day 4.

This is the amazing salad I had for lunch!!!

Today I'm a little off as I had fasting blood work done this morning at about 9am.  So I wasn't able to have my early morning Spark, and then I forgot to take my first course of Probiotics.  Doh!  I'm going to pretend all is well, and keep on keepin on, you know?  I still feel really good.  Aunt Flo showed up yesterday afternoon, and seriously normally by now I would be doubled over in a heap of hateful crampiness.  So far, so good.  I mean, as well as can be expected, so far. 

I am a cheater and have been weighing myself every day.  This morning, beginning day 4 of the plan, I weighed myself and was down 5 pounds even.  So crazy!  I know it's not that much, but my hope was to lose 20 this 24 days, and I plan on really keeping up with this. Some might think that's too much weight to lose, but I've spoken with medical professionals about how fast I can lose weight, and since I am bigger than the average big person (lets keep it real here), I can lose more, faster, safely.

On another note, I spoke with my medical professional about doing Advocare today, and she told me she was confident it was safe, there isn't anything in it that is going to hurt me per say.  I let her know in the long run I'm going to just eat healthier and exercise more, but this is a chance to get back into the swing of things, get my energy and will back, and then full steam ahead.

I still haven't started a regular workout routine back up, however, I've been doing all kinds of stuff around the house, and that's seriously been keeping me moving...any movement is more than just sitting on the couch, right? Tomorrow I'm off work early so I can get my house cleaned.  We've had to replace the water heater, flooring around and under the water heater, and then we covered it all with new laminate.  Mind you, this is the kiddo's room, so now he has the nicest digs in the house!  

Pre-Breakfast:  Sort of combined pre-breakfast and breakfast today, due to the dr appt.  So I shook up my Spark, and had a few gulps of it, then started right in with my breakfast.

Breakfast:  Went to the Dr appt prepared with a shaker bottle of ice water for my meal replacement shake.  As soon as I got in the car I mixed it up and chugged it.  I was hungry!!!

Snack:  Had carrots and hummus.  MMMM!  WAS STARVING at this point.  It was my normal lunch time when I was having snack!

Pre-Lunch:  Because of the delay in everything today, I ended up mixing up my 2nd Spark about the time I went to lunch, but that will carry me through the afternoon, and give me some good energy to get some stuff done at home.  More cleanup and getting ready for the weekend.

Lunch:  Today as a fundraiser, our office bought pizza, but since a couple of my coworkers and I are following this plan, we asked for salad instead.  So we got lettuce, rotisserie chicken, salsa, black beans, cilantro, lime, green onions, avocado, and tomato, and had these awesome salads.  SO DELICIOUS!  The salsa is amazing!

Snack:  1.5 hardboiled eggs.  My kiddo stole the other part.

Dinner:  Black rice and frozen stir fry veggies tossed in Braggs Liquid Aminos and some Sweet Chili sauce.

Snack:  Fruit smoothie with coconut water...almost like a virgin daquiri!

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse pills...P-p-p-p-p-ooopppies!

Advocare Day 3

Day 3.

This is what the Citrus Fiber Drink looks like before you add water.

This is the Citrus Fiber Drink after you add 9oz of water (stick with the 9oz of water!!!)

And this is what you look like after you drink it.

Today I cheated and got on the scale again.  So far I'm down 3 pounds even.  I was hoping to be down at least 5 by now, but the looming Aunt Flo is affecting things I think.  I was able to sleep last night and OMG that was nice.  I was exhausted from my spark deficit yesterday, and so I was good and tired when I fell asleep.  Woke up and headed straight for the bathroom. LOL!  Healthy poop x 2 today!

I'm not feeling like I'm starving.  I think a lot of people assume the cleanse phase is super calorie restrictive.  Seriously it's not.  Between the Spark which helps with appetite, and the TONS of fruits and veggies and protein, you can't be hungry.  What you have are cravings.  However, for me, my cravings are not there.  I'm about to get my Aunt Flo visit, and I don't crave chocolate, or salt.  I'm good.  It's awesome! 

I read in another blog about the challenge that day 2 was hard...and it was.  Day 3 so far has been great!  I feel good, I took the stairs at work today, and I'm looking forward to going home and working around the house.  ENERGY!  I love it!  I even swung my kettlebell for a little whilte.

Pre-Breakfast:  Today I had a full Spark in the morning, however, this time I mixed it with 24oz of water, and drank it over about a 45 minute period.  MUCH BETTER!  Seriously, the Mango Strawberry are soooo good!  Watermelon is okay (definitely has a vitamin-y taste), but definitely into that Mango Strawberry.  I'll definitely be buying this again just to have for day to day life. 

Breakfast:  For breakfast I had the Chocolate Mocha meal replacement shake blended with ice and water again.  I'm starting to feel like these are toooooo sweet!  Not a natural sweet like with fruit.  The taste overall is really pleasing to me, and they fill me up for sure.  Love that coffee flavor. 

Snack:  Snack #1 was a bag of frozen edamame pods sprinkled with salt.  THIS IS SOOO GOOD!
It takes a long time to eat it, and it's soooo yummy!

Pre-Lunch:  Spark number 2 mixed with 24oz of water again.  So perfect.  This time I had watermelon as I shared my other Mango Strawberry one with a coworker to try it. This second one lasted me from noon to 3pm and really was just enough to keep me going and focused.  So much better than yesterday.

Lunch:  100% Whole wheat pita thin, with 1 peeled cucumber, and tomato stuffed in it.  Arugula salad with lime juice.

Snack:  I pretty much skipped snack because eating lunch took me about 2 hours.  It was a lot of arugula! LOL! 

Dinner:  Dinner was pretty much a hot mess.  My hubby and a friend have been working to replace the water heater which is located in my sons bedroom closet, and so his whole room is gutted, we didn't have hot water for 2 days, and my house is a construction zone.  Well they finally got the new water heater in, and filled about 6:30pm, so I was running around boiling water for baths and starting laundry and trying to get stuff ready for the next day.  I ended up having plain black rice, black beans, and ground turkey mixed together with Sriracha on it.  This was so good, and I didn't finish it until about 8:30pm, and at that point, couldn't eat anything else for the day because I had fasting bloodwork scheduled for the next morning. 
Poop:  Took a poop.  It was amazing.  It was so amazing, I literally sat down, and basked in the glory of how great I felt.  I didn't feel stopped up before or anything, but the cleanse, is helping immensely! 

Snack:  Nada

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse pills.  Down the hatch!  Slept like a champ!

Advocare Day 2

Day 2.

 By the time I'm posting this, I've drank 120 oz of water, have had a headache since about 10am, and am pretty sure I'm more bloated than yesterday.  I have been using a 32oz bottle for water.  Yesterday I drank 5 of them.  This is on top of the water for my Spark drinks, the Fiber drink, the water I chugged after the fiber drink, and the meal replacement shake.  Today I learned I am supposed to count those toward my water goal. LOL.  I'm about to get a visit from Aunt Flo, and historically I've retained about 5-7 pounds of water during that week.  Yeah, isn't that a lot?  No matter how much water I drink.  Ugh.  

Pre-Breakfast:  1/2 Mango Strawberry Spark (we'll see how it goes today)
*note:  as of 9:45am I'm wishing I had drank the other half.  Tomorrow I'll make sure to bring more with me to work just in case.  I'm just not as energetic, though it's probably because I was awake until 1am!

Breakfast: Citrus fiber drink (gagged over it today), and Chocolate Mocha meal replacement shake.  Today I blended it with water and ice and it was SOOO yummy! 

Snack:  2 Oatfit Oatmeal packets.

Pre-Lunch:  Other half of Mango Strawberry Spark.

Lunch:  My lunch bowl: 1/2 can of black beans, 1/2 mini meatloaf, 1 3/4 cups of quinoa, 1/2 bag of steamed frozen veggies.  So tasty!  Sorta plain but it was still good.

Snack:  2 cups of baby carrots and a single serving pack of hummus

Dinner:  Since our house is sort of a war zone, I ended up eating my other lunch bowl.  This time I added 1/2 of an avocado.  This is a huge feat for me since I totally LOVE avocado, and saving half for hubby for his awesome looking burritos was a feat.  I actually feel guilty for having this twice in a day. Tomorrow I'll be having much more veggies...thinking cucumber salad and lime tossed arugula in a 100% whole wheat pita.  Mmm...

Snack:  I decided to make a smoothie with some frozen tropical fruit I had in the freezer and coconut water. Healthy and satisfying.  Win!

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse pills.  They are huge, and taste like hay.  Please note:  They have SENNA in them, which is a stimulant laxative. Same stuff in ExLax and Senekot.  So yeah, don't be too creeped out, but they will help you poop in the AM.  Does anyone want to read about poop?  LOL.  I was very curious myself.  Anyway, it just makes you regular, not have explosive diarrhea.  It all depends on how regular you are already I think.  I already eat a lot of veggies so I've not been stopped up or anything.  3 successful trips to the restroom before I left for work.  Yeah, I went there.  Shit just got real...Literally. Anyway, Lord help me to please fall asleep before 1am.

Additional note.  I've been reading some other blogs about the challenge, and sounds like day 2 is sorta crappy for a lot of people.  The body is detoxing, I haven't had coffee (yes, the Spark has caffeine, but drinking coffee is a habit too), and so I'm hoping tomorrow is just better all around.

Advocare Day 1

DAY 1:

Front View Day 1

Side View Day 1

I just have to say...that Spark is something else.
I am pretty much a paranoid hypochondriac, and like to think I'm pretty in tune with my body.  So when I try something new, I know I totally over-analyze everything.  So let me just start by telling you, Spark is akin to crack.  I do not know that I should have more than one in a day...Now I'm really worried about taking the MNS Max 3 pills (those come in days 11-24).  I'm also a little worried about the Omega pills...they have fish oil, and in the past when I've taken fish oil...I projectile vomit.  I'll try them tonight...if that happens, they are in the trash and I will buy flax oil capsules...those I can take.

I read we shouldn't drink coffee while on this plan, so I cleaned the coffee pot, and put it away.  I honestly thought I would be missing it, but quite frankly, the only thing holding me back from really cleaning my house from top to bottom is the fact that my back has a pinched nerve.  I'm in too much pain.  But I can easily tell you the laundry and dishes are done, the kitchen is clean, and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Fo sho.
The Fiber drink is freaking atrocious.  Good God.  No.  Freaking.  Joke.  SO GROSS!!!
If you ever do this plan, I recommend straws to drink everything.  It's just easier, faster, and your taste buds will thank you.

Right after the fiber drink you are supposed to drink water, and have breakfast.  I decided for the first 14 days to use the shakes that came with the plan as don't normally eat solid food for breakfast.  For the last 10 days I'll drink my strawberry Premier Protein shakes.
I gotta say...by the time you are done with the Spark, then Fiber Drink and a bunch of water, then the shake...you feel like you are going to float away...I'm peeing my brains out!

Measurements 

Please God kill me now...this is humiliating beyond anyone's imagination...I hope you don't love me less when you read this.  I can easily tell you, I'll never put my actual weight on here until I'm within 75 pounds of my goal-because this is mortifying!
But I wanted to be honest...just not honest enough to list my actual weight yet...

Calf:   21"

Thigh:   34.5"

Hips:   66"

Waist:   64"

Chest:   60"

Forearm:  13"

Bicep:   17"

Neck:   17.25"

Pre-Breakfast:  Watermelon Spark mixed with 8 oz cold water.  This actually smells like watermelon jolly-ranchers, however, doesn't have the full taste you would think went with the smell.  I pounded it down pretty fast just to get it over with because it has the aftertaste of vitamins.  Really not the worst stuff I've drank in my quest for health, so it seems like a win.

Breakfast:   Citrus Fiber Drink mixed with 9 oz cold water, and Chocolate Mocha meal replacement shake mixed with about 10 oz cold water.  Let's first talk about the Fiber Drink.  Now this was something I was really afraid of.  I read review after review about how this stuff is essentially vomit in a cup.  Yeah...pretty f'ing close, I'd say.  Imagine taking a big chunk of tree bark, blending it up with about a teaspoon of Tang, and some plain gelatin...Yeah.  Gross.  I read that it does thicken if you don't drink it fast enough.  I chugged it like it was going out of style.  Again with the straw.  Helps you not have to get it all in your mouth, just straight down the throat instead.  Directions say to follow with 8 oz of water, but I have a fear of psyllium, and instead drank about 20 oz of water after it.

Snack:  2 packets of Cinnamon Oat Fit Instant Oatmeal with Flax. Yum.  I didn't think I was hungry, but I did think about having some food (truth be told I was thinking about gorging myself on all kinds of stuff in the kitchen, then remembered I was doing Advocare).  At this point, I'm already scared to have another Spark...that jacked me up!

Pre-Lunch:  Mango Strawberry Spark...good Lord I'm going to go run a marathon...how the hell am I going to stand still at work while not talking people's ears off?  I do have to say, tomorrow I'll be just splitting them up into 2 servings each packet.  I can't be this hyped...unless I start to adjust and can deal with it better.  Says 120 mg of caffeine, but didn't take into consideration the B-vitamins, etc.  Wheeeee!!!!!!
I gotta say, this one wasn't as bad because I decided to help reorganize the storage shed, and that killed some time.  I've had about 75 oz of water at this point.

Lunch:  2 cups of mixed greens, fresh cilantro, small tomato and lime juice salad.  1 whole wheat (100 cal) pita pocket, 2 Boca veggie burgers, 1/2 cucumber, mustard.  Very yummy!

Snack:  For snack I had a medium green apple and an Atkins protein bar.  I'm sure the bar isn't technically approved, however, I wanted it.

Dinner:  Dinner consisted of 1 cup of wild black rice (forbidden rice), a personal turkey meatloaf with a fat dollop of avocado mash, and 2 cups of roasted broccoli.  Yes, roasted broccoli.  Drizzle with olive oil, bake at 425 for 20ish minutes.  Deelish.  Best dinner I've had in a while actually.

Snack: Baby Carrots and Hummus.  Pretty tired by this point, ready to just lounge and watch some TV.

Bedtime:  Herbal Cleanse caplets and water.  Had a cup of peppermint tea before this and after snack.  It's a routine for me.

***UPDATE, next morning***
I didn't get to sleep until 1AM!!!  Seriously, I know I'm paranoid about taking new things but holy crap, I couldn't sleep!

Prepped for A24C and Misc

Today I went grocery shopping to prepare for my first 10 days on the Advocare program.  I'm so ready to start.  Have you ever been so "off plan", that you actually are craving structure?  I think that's where I am. I'm just blah...ready to start, ready to feel energized, ready to see some poundage come off.  I'm hoping to lose 15-20 pounds during the 24 day plan, and if it's more then that's awesome, if it's not, then I'll just keep trying.  I am 84 days away from my trip to Disneyland, and quite frankly, I'd like to weigh 84 pounds less than I do now.  I've been told it's going to be a tight squeeze for me, and will probably need a seat belt extender.  I'm terrified of this prospect.  I haven't flown since I've been so big that I needed one.  

Isn't it amazing how fixated I am on this issue about me flying?  I just do not want there to be any reason why they would want to make me pay for an extra seat.  I can deal (though quite frankly I will be dying inside) with the seat belt thing, and we are all hopefully going to be in one row with the little between us, so that should help me not feel so squashed.  Good Lord.  I really have to get on this.  84 days.  84 days.  To lose as much weight as I can.  It's so bad that I don't want to go just because of the airplane ride...

Also, I'm having some anxiety about all the walking.  I've already been "warned" that its go-go-go from sun up to midnight each day, but quite frankly, I won't be able to do that, or else I won't have a good time.  I'm hoping that it works out that I can hang out with my MIL at the hotel, or at a cafe while the others go ride the rides I don't want to ride.  I will get out there and do, but quite frankly, the issues I've had with my feet after walking just a 5k.  I'm hoping for the best, and I'm thinking that lots of Red Bull and Iced Latte's should get the job done.  I'm pretty glad we'll have a few days at home (albeit busy with racing) before we go back to work after this trip.  Something tells me I'm going to need the recovery time. 

I know that I can't let myself be defeated before it starts, however, 84 days to lose even 40 pounds is going to be a challenge, and I'm scared.  I'm scared I'll fail, scared I'll end up being laughed at, humiliate my family because I'm too fat to fly, and because I won't be able to keep up.  I'm also scared about going on the rides at Disneyland, however, I've been told there will only be a few rides that I can't ride due to my size...and most likely they'll be rides I don't want to ride anyway.  I like the "Small World" and "Autopia" type rides the most anyway.  

Advocare pre-note.

I've ordered my Advocare program, and should have it Tuesday or Wednesday.  My plan is to go grocery shopping this weekend, so I have everything I need for the first week and a half of the program.  I'm  going to pre-cook chicken breasts for lunches, plan my dinners, etc.  I'm not going to post my full menu yet, however, my plan is to blog every single day through the plan, during while I will list how I feel, the menu for the day, any exercise, etc.

Anyway, I hope you will stick with me during the Advocare journey and beyond!

I'm going to it....

I have definitely decided that I'll be doing the Advocare 24 Day Challenge.  I've heard nothing but good reviews, and I figure someone like myself that has lots of weight to lose, and benefits from the stricter regiment can really benefit from it.  I should be starting the program sometime around the end of next week.  I'll be ordering it on Friday, and was considering doing the protein smoothie cleanse until I get it so I can maybe clear the way for the healthier stuff. 

I plan on blogging about each and every day of my journey through the program.  If it works well, then I'll be doing it again right after.  If I follow to a T, there isn't any reason I shouldn't lose the weight.  

There's no reason I shouldn't lose the weight if I follow ANY program to a T...

Lack of discipline, lack of energy, lack of true belief I will ever undo all the damage I have done to myself...

How did I allow myself to get this way?????

Trying something new...I think.

So I have been toying with the idea of doing the Advocare 24 Day Challenge.  I think this would be really beneficial to me in the fact that if I follow it to the letter, I know I would lose a bunch of weight, however, I'm terrified of taking weight loss supplements (and most other medications, even anything stronger than Tylenol or Ibuprofen).  This is something I know is probably mostly in my mind, though I think I am really sensitive to my body, and can feel everything that happens when I take something.  I know I sound like a spaz. 

Anyway, I just don't know anymore.  I have decided I am going to force myself to start getting up 30 minutes earlier so I can do squats and ride the exercise bike or follow this Walk at Home program that my friend and I are going to do together.  I'm thinking that if I can get on board with this Advocare deal, and doing all this physical activity, then there isn't any reason I shouldn't lose like 20 pounds in the 24 day period.  Seriously.  People half my weight lose like 10-15 pounds doing it, so being HUGE means HUGE weight loss.  Ugh.  I am so gross!  I seriously can't stand that I have gotten this big.  It's disgusting!

So that's where I'm at right now...oh yeah, I decided I was going to try following the Weight Watchers program...I have the whole kit.  Yesterday I tracked everything, which, let me tell you was not fun.  I had 2 cupcakes a coworker brought in, and in a not-so-great decision, I ate a whole pack of Starburst that I pilfered from my kid's "treat" bucket.  I don't even like Starburst...okay, I like the pink ones, but I ate all the rest of the pack so nobody felt left out.

Today I had Jimmie Johns.  #12 Beach Club and a bag of Jalapeno Chips.  Not the best at all.  There is SO much sodium in that!  Ridiculous!  I love the taste so much!  But I feel my blood pressure rise from the salt.

I have a Dr. appointment in a few weeks... I haven't been since about oh, 25 pounds ago.  Not as much as I would like after 14 months, but it's 25 pounds I haven't gained back.  Also, hopefully with getting up early to work out every day during the week, and trying hard to manage my food, I can be even lower by then.  I'll be getting a full bloodwork panel, fasting, and a general physical.  They think I'm getting an annual, they are loco!  NOPE! 

Anyway, if I decide against Advocare, here's my new plan:

1.  wake up and work out 30 minutes + squat challenge
2.  breakfast protein smoothie
3.  snack protein shake
4.  mason jar salad and fruit
5.  greek yogurt with bran and frozen fruit
6.  dinner of veggies and protein
7.  snack protein shake
8.  half my body weight in water every day

Anyone should lose weight if they stick to this plan!  Weekends are the hardest, because the boys don't follow my plan, and we are always busy.  And what about when I have to go out of town for the weekend next month?  I really, really have to work hard to make really good decisions! 

I'm still trying...

So about six weeks ago I found out our trip to Disneyland was booked.  Flight booked.  Flight.  Airplane.  OMG, too fat to fly.  You might remember my last post was something of a panic attack.  Don't get me wrong...I'm still panicking.  Yet, I'm still trying.  I allowed myself a mental temper tantrum and essentially let myself eat whatever and whenever I want.  I'm done with that.  The other night I was laying in bed, praying that the Lord would help me do this.  I even started to cry.  It's THAT bad.  I'm so big, who am I kidding?  I have found myself reading horror stories on the internet about fat people flying, and being ridiculed by airline staff, and asked to pay up to $1000 for an additional seat so they don't encroach on other passengers' personal space.  Thankfully we are all three flying together, and little man is a skinny mini so I can put him in the middle and at least make it look like are all super comfy and fit well.  Thank God it's only a 2 hour flight, because I'm sure it'll be super uncomfortable. 

A friend recently flew, and she is about 40 pounds less than I am, and said it was still pretty darn cramped.  While I felt a lot better after discussing it with her, it still left me with a lot of anxiety.  I am going to try really hard to lose as much weight as possible, and get as fit as possible to prepare for all the walking.  I just bought a new bathing suit top, which fits rather a bit snug right now, to help motivate me to lose more.   It will fit perfectly by summer. 

I've been drinking protein smoothies for breakfast with the following:

-1 scoop of Vegan Proteins+ Protein Powder
-1 cup frozen blueberries
-1 cup unsweetended Silk Coconut Milk
-1 Tbsp Chia Seeds soaked in 1 cup water
-1 Tbsp Coconut Oil
-1 scoop Greens Plus Advanced Multi Raw Superfood

This week I decided to step it up to having this protein smoothie for lunch as well as breakfast with a Premier Protein shake as a midday snack.  Then having a dinner consisting of major veggies and protein.  Today is day 2.  So far so good.  I did have some ice cream with apples for dessert last night, but I counted everything in MyFitnessPal...yes, we are back together.  I need to see something with my intake to keep me honest.  I've also decided to track all fitness as well.  Yesterday I even took a brisk walk during my lunch break...it was so sunny and I just needed the air and the vitamin D. 

Today as I asked hubby if we can take a family walk today before dinner and start doing that every day.  I really want to do this.  I want to get fit, and guess what I just did???  I JUST SIGNED UP FOR A 5K!  My super awesome friend Leslie is going to do it with me, and it's from one Winery to to another Winery.  That will be fun.  It's going to be hilly, which I'm kind of scared about, but it should be super fun.

Feeling too fat to fly...

I'm struggling right now, big time.  My husband's family want to take us on a trip to Disneyland at the end of June, but I'm feeling about 65 pounds too fat to fly.  I haven't been on a plane since I weighed about 100 pounds less than I do now.  Like, seriously have anxiety.  I remember Kevin Smith being kicked off a plane because they said he weighed too much, and quite frankly, I'm thinking that he was a bit smaller than I am now.  

My husband doesn't understand, and just finally explaining my anxiety to him, almost killed me.  He's quick to brush it off too, "the kid can sit between us, and that will allow more room".  He has no idea that planes can require you to buy an extra seat.  That right there folks...that would kill me.  I do NOT want my family to have to deal with that.  I remember the last time I flew was not that comfortable as it was...and again, I was 100 or so pounds less than I am now.  It's ridiculous.  I know that I allowed myself to get this way, but I'm trying to fix it and lose the weight.  But it's a slow process, and quite frankly, I don't see myself losing 100 pounds in just under 5 months, but I guess I could probably aim for the 65.  Let's see, that's just under 10 pounds a week.  Yeah, that's not going to happen.  

I've already started reading forum's about obesity and flying and it sounds like maybe just a seat belt extender is all I need.  I'm hoping...Either way, this is exactly the motivation I need to work my ass off.  Serious.  Fuck the ice cream, and candy, etc.  Fried foods?  HELL FUCKING NO.  Brewfest and wine tasting (both on my 52 things list) may be out too, since alcohol makes me want to eat everything.  NO more fast food.  At all.  NOT HAPPENING.  Shit, I need to give up bread too.  Keep up the workouts...lots more time on the elliptical, exercise bike, and treadmill time.  Gotta start getting prepared for the walking and standing.  Standing I can practice at work.  I'll aim for trying to stand the full day at work, working my way there.  I can type and talk standing up, so that's not that bad...Doing it in flats is another story, though most of the time I can kick off my shoes and stand in bare feet.  I'm hoping that I can do this...but I'm fucking scared.

How much have I loved?

Probably not enough.

When I was a teenager, I loved.  A lot.  When I was young, I loved my father like no other.  He was my world.  I was such a Daddy's girl.  

When I got older, and started to love others outside of my family, I was the type of person that would journal about it for pages and pages; or would listen to music and cry about it.  

As I became a young adult, my type of love changed...became not just love, but the will to do everything and anything in my power to make that ONE person happy.  

Then as I became an adult, and started a monogamous relationship with my husband, love turned into routine.  It was home base.  It was where we turned.

When my son was born, he became love.  As hard as it is to say it, my love totally was directed at him, and that was it.  He is my world.  I waited a long time for him, and sometimes, when I look at him, my heart is so filled with love, it spills out of my eyes.

The question is, "how much have I loved?"

The answer is, "I can always love more."

I want to make it a point to love MORE.  I want people to know how much I love them.  This is going to take work.  This means mending relationships that have been broken for a long time.  This means making the effort to say those three words, and say it in a way that expresses that it's sincere.  Too often we say it at our house as a routine message, "I love you".  We say it as we hang up the phone, as I drop off my son, as my husband leaves for work, and we go to bed.  It's infrequent that we say it while actually looking each other in the eye, and focusing on the words that are being said.  

I want to make it a point to learn to love BETTER.

Love more.

Love.

I'm back in the game!

Well, I am back in the game, and I couldn't feel better about it!

 

I've been at it since Monday, okay, it's been less than a week, I know, but I'm down 4 pounds since Monday morning.  There are a few variables at place here:

 

-I've been working out each day after work, either stationary bike at home, or treadmill for 45 minutes at the gym

 

-Not eating anything but a small snack about an hour after dinner, then about 2 liters of water each evening

 

-Also making healther food choices...my whole family is trying to convert.  I haven't had fast food in over a week and that makes a big difference too

 

-No coffee after I leave the house at all, however, there will be a Friday exception as that is the day we have meetings at work, and I get to go in a little later...it's my Starbies fix for the week!

 

-Green tea throughout the day at work...usually 2-3 large mugs of hot water with a single tea bag...I can't have too much caffeine or I'll burst!

 

-Ooh!  This is a big one!  I've been doing green smoothies every day this week, and I'm hooked.  I use about 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk, 2 cups of fresh spinach (okay, just a huge handful, because who the hell measures spinach?), about a cup of frozen berries, sometimes a banana, and a scoop of Premier Protein vanilla protein powder.  This is fab, and I'm not deviating from this during the week.  On the weekends I'll be eating eggs and toast with the family, but during the week, this helps me immensely.  Maybe on the weekends I'll make the smoothie my lunch.

 

-Also, I've been eating smaller healthier lunches.  I've been bringing PB&J on Dave's Killer Bread.  Using all natural Peanut Butter (Adams), and natural Smuckers Orange Marmalade (so delicious!), and usually a string cheese or something with it.

 

 

So now, at the beginning of the 4th day, I'm already feeling more energetic, happier, more motivated, and in control.  I'm down 4 pounds as of this morning too!  

Time to get busy!

A friend of mine from work told me today she's doing the wall sit challenge.  Feeling inspired I jumped in on day 4 this morning=40 second wall sit.  O. M. G.  That is so freaking hard.  I was shaking!!!  My legs, almost 2 hours later, still feel wobbly.  This is going to kick my butt so hard!  Way harder than the squat challenge, already.  I'm excited.  It might just be the motivation I need to get myself back in the game!  The monthly meanie came on Thursday, so my new year has been off to a rocky, brutal, hormonal start, but today I'm making the change.  I really need to focus on getting myself back together again, as I have plans to do another 5k in March again, and doing a 5 mile late Spring again as well!  Both of those were fun, but hard, and it would be awesome to do them again, but have a little less difficulty.

Over the last year I lost 40 pounds, but kept off about 30.  I am starting the new year, recalculating my starting weight and new weight loss goal on MyFitnessPal.  I'm not sure I'm ready to track my food yet.  Right now I'm just using it to track my weigh-ins.  I really don't need MyFitnessPal to do that, as I also use another app specifically for weigh-ins called WeightBot.  I really like it since I don't have to sign up for anything, start accounts, etc.  It's really easy to use, you can set a goal and monitor your weigh ins.  In fact, I think I'm going to give up MyFitnessPal entirely.  I want to learn to eat healthier, and not have to write down everything I put into my mouth.  I just need to get back to making better choices.  I know full well what I should and shouldn't eat and how much and when.  I don't need the app to do that.  It's an awesome program, and I love it, but there's no point in me keeping it looking at me in the face, when I really just feel guilty for not using it.  I delete it, I don't have to feel guilty.  I just use my WeightBot, and call it even.  I won't be able to track it on my blog, but nobody reads this anyways...LOL.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I can focus on doing me.  I'm going to aim for less sweets, and moving this body.  I have a solid schedule of treadmill at the gym this week. I recently read I should just avoid the elliptical because it doesn't mimic natural movement, and its much easier to slack off on an elliptical rather than a treadmill.  I want to do everything I can to be prepared for the 5ks.

Okay, off to start my day!