I am SO sick.

I gotta say...I am SO sick.  SO sick and tired of feeling like shit.  I'm not talking about being sick with a cold, and unfortunately I don't have some awful disease like MS or something, though it might make me feel better knowing I can label it rather than feel guilty about it.  This is something that is both mental and physical, can't be labeled as anything other than "lazy" and "morbidly-obese" and "anxious" and "depressed" and maybe even "compulsive". 

I'm talking about how I'm so sick and tired of being 200 pounds overweight.  Of having absolutely no willpower, self-control, or discipline.

I'm talking about how even though I have like $85 in my checking account, I'll still go through the drive-thru for a bagel and hot chocolate because I don't feel like I'm complete unless I'm buying food and eating it throughout my day.

I'm sick of feeling like my husband and son are embarrassed of me.  They won't say it outright, however a week ago my son told me he didn't want me to walk him in to school because he didn't want anyone to say anything bad about me.  I almost died of a broken heart.  This was something that I knew was coming someday, but still it hit me like a freight train.  A part of me died inside.  I could tell he felt bad about it, and he truly felt he was looking out for me.  He said that some kids had said something like, "hey look at that lady, she's so fat", and it made him uncomfortable, and that he was too worried to stick up for me as his Mom because he was worried he'd be bullied, and they would make more fun of me...but he didn't say it.  He didn't have to.  I've been a kid.  I've been bullied, and I know how it feels to try to diffuse a bully situation before it starts. 

So the last week, week-and-a-half or so, I've been constantly thinking about my weight.  Funny, how that shift works.  Normally, I'm thinking about food, when can I eat next, what can I eat, etc.  Now, I'm constantly thinking about how fat I am.  FAT.  I know there's a huge body acceptance campaign going on, but for me, it makes no sense.  If I was one of those perfectly Greek looking curvy women that looked amazing in knee length skirts and heels and cute tops I would probably be a lot happier with myself. 

I feel like I look like a fat humpty-dumpty of a woman.  I'm gross.  I have a huge belly (not a soft curvaceous belly, but like a super fat, hanging belly).  One of my thighs has a small panniculus on it, which sticks out when I walk.  It's like an extra lump of fat.  Google it.  So gross.  It's funny...when I was a little girl I loved wearing skirts.  Then I became a total tomboy and hated skirts all the way up until about a month or two ago...now I wear them almost out of need because they hide so much.  But I hate them, because they don't actually look good.  They're just more comfortable and forgiving than the one pair of work pants I have anymore.  My feet are continuously swollen...so my shoes are limited to what I can wedge them into.  And those are so uncomfortable that most of the day I take them off.