Clearly feeling unfulfilled.

I'm sitting here at my desk at work with just 15 minutes left in my lunch hour.  For lunch today I got Panda Express (3 entree box), which I brought back to work and proceeded to devour.  I ate every morsel including the stupid fortune cookie with its stupid fortune that didn't really pertain to me in any way, I thought.  Sensing some negativity?  Yeah.  Me too.  I'm feeling negative.  Now, I'm not trying to be all bah-humbug day after Christmas grinch type deal, but seriously, I ate that whole to-go box of food...and could have eaten 2 more.  I'm pretty sure I'm not joking.  I just don't feel full.  Though I can feel it in my gut, and I feel bloated.  Is that the feeling of fullness?  It's not feeling like enough. 

 

I'm missing a lot in my life I think.  I don't have any hobbies...and when I try to decide on one, I get overwhelmed thinking about stuff like start up costs, etc.  My husband has a few hobbies, and enjoys things like bike rides (even when it's cold), racing, dirt biking, kayaking.  Me...I'm too big to enjoy those things (see problem above of eating until I'm "full").  It's causing me to be stuck in a vicious cycle.  I hate it.  I know I need to change some shit in my life.  I really do.  I read another blog about how I have to quit saying stupid stuff like, "I'm going to work out every day in 2014", or "I'm going to only eat healthy this year", when dammit, I'm 34 years old, and know that neither of those are true.  I need to make some changes that will actually help me.  I need a real support system.  I need someone to check in with...often.  I can't check in with myself all the time.  It would be nice if I had someone here...tangible, and actually in my life to do it.  Someone to show up at my door and drag my ass to the gym to work out.  Or someone to smack the donut out of my hand when I start to feel down.  I try not to dwell on it.  I'm not trying to say that I'm not successful because I feel like I'm lacking this support, however, anyone in their right ming can tell you that without support, fighting a battle isn't easy, and most likely you will fail. 

 

I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water when it comes to keeping myself from totally succombing to the "funk".  That's what I call being depressed.  The funk.  A funk.  I'm feeling funky.  Shit, at least I'm funny.  I have that. 

 

Maybe it's time to start putting together my newest '52 Things' list for 2014.  One goal I have for that this year is to put realistic stuff on it.  Stuff that could actually be done.  Last 2 years I put stuff on there that was going to cost a lot of money, etc.  I need to aim for stuff that will enrich my life.  Once my list is complete, I will definitely share.

 

Until next time.

Random Check-In

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I started my weight loss journey.  This date has been in the back of my mind since April.  I pretty much fell off the wagon in April, and have had the hardest time getting back into the groove of eating right, tracking my food and exercise, exercising for that matter, and focusing on taking care of myself.  I know I battle depression, and its like a tug-of-war between the two issues.  The depression makes me not give a shit, but the eating right/exercising makes it better.  

One has to overcome the other for me to succeed.  

Have I ever told you that one of my favorite websites is PostSecret.com?  I love this site. It's a site where they post peoples secrets that they can mail in to a PO Box anonymously. I think the reason I like the site so much is because everyone has a secret, or something they are just aching to say, but don't have the outlet for it.  And this is finally a way to do it.  I haven't sent anything in.  Don't know if I ever will.  I just love reading it, though some days it makes me feel sad, and other days, it makes me feel better about myself quite frankly.  

If I hadn't fallen off the health wagon in April, I probably would be looking at being 50-75 pounds lighter than I am now.  In one year I lost 30 pounds, and while that's nothing to shake a stick at, it's not as much as I wanted.  A blogger I follow had a weight loss surgery and as much as I hate to say it, but it's true to form for me...I'm so incredibly jealous. It's still hard work.  But everything is laid out for her.  It's a make it or break it type deal.  For me now, if I don't follow the diet, big deal, I just don't lose weight.  With the weight loss surgery situation, if you don't follow it, you can end up extremely sick or dead.  Neither of those sound fun.  A couple of family members had weight loss surgery some years back, and I've been so jealous since.  I can't afford it, and my insurance doesn't cover it so I am totally out of luck.  I know I have to at least keep trying, but one thing I just don't want to deal with is the hating myself and the guilt I feel when I don't succeed.  

I want to be an athletic and healthy woman.  I want to be a wife that my husband can be proud of.  I want to be the mom my kiddo looks up to and isn't ashamed of.  I feel like until I can lose at least another 150 pounds, that's not going to happen.  How am I going to lose 150 pounds?!  Why can't I seem to find the determination and motivation to get my shit together?  Maybe I should try to get on Extreme Weight Loss or Biggest Loser.  The chances of that happening for me are slim to none.  What about starting a GoFundMe account? See?  These are the kinds of things that go through my mind when I think about this huge issue I deal with.  I'm blessed in the fact that I don't have any serious issues (that I'm aware of) such as heart issues or diabetes (although I've been told multiple times that I'm almost guaranteed to have it eventually).  I've always been convinced that if my life depended on it, I would be able to do it, but doesn't my life depend on it anyway?  It does.  But its not enough.  I try to not stock stuff in the house so much that's just bad for me, but I still eat breads, and I still make cookies once in a while. 

I keep telling myself that going Paleo is the way to go.  Though I've been learning over the past year that I need to find the middle ground.  Find the thing that's going to actually work for me.  What I was doing initially this time last year was following the Monarch Plan of 5-6 mini meals a day, focus on lots of protein and little carbs, exercise, etc.  Even then I wasn't losing quite as much as I should as quickly as I should for my size, but when you are as big as I, any loss is welcome.  

Juice day 3/4

 

Isn't it pretty?  I love the colors of the juices!

(well, when you do it right, sometimes it's yucky orange brown and it happens)

 

So I've been doing my juice thing going on 4 days now.  I've lost 11.6 pounds as of this morning, and that's more motivating than ever. 

I have not been only injesting juice though. 

 

Last time I did a juice fast, around day 4 I was really in bad shape.  I felt terrible, and didn't really feel good.  This was before Dec 11 when I started working towards permanent weight loss.  So this time my plan was to drink all juice and tea, but have a bowl of soup at night.  The soup I had turned out to be too rich, and then I at that half a PB & J the first night, which I still regret.  Tuesday I ate a couple bites of a cucumber while I was making my Wednesday juice, but that was all I had and I was fine.  Last night I ate some sliced zucchini and tomatoes sauteed in a teeny amount of sesame oil.  It was fantastic: 

 

Today's juices are a slight bit different.  For my breakfast juice for this morning and tomorrow morning I changed it up and made the following recipe:

 

--1 bag of fresh cranberries

--4 large carrots

--2 naval oranges

--about 10 strawberries

--2 red pears

  Not as sweet as the other breakfast juice, but good.

 

My green juice for today is a little less appetizing.  I wanted to try something new, and I'm almost to where I want it to be, but not quite there.

Today's green juice is:

 

--1/3 pineapple

--4 ribs celery

--6-7 large carrots

--1/2 pound of spinach

--2 peeled cucumbers

 As you can see, this is one of those yucky brownish juices.

 

 

I'll be honest, this one is not my favorite, though it's much less strong, because I used spinach instead of kale.  Also it's a bit sweeter using the pineapple instead of green apples.  But it's doable. 

Also with my lunch juice today and yesterday I ate a very tiny avocado.  So good.  You can't juice an avocado, so it's fair in my eyes.

 

Today I decided I'm going to continue juicing until all the produce I bought is gone, then I'll go back on the solids until a few days after Thanksgiving (super healhy Paleo style all through that time), then go back to the juice for another week or so. 

 

I'll put up another update on Saturday!

 

 



Juicing day 1/2

Well, I finally decided to do the juice fast!  I went to the store on Sunday and bought a whole bunch of produce to last me three days.  That's about how long I can go following one single juice receipe for each "breakfast" juice and the green juice I drink for the rest of the day.  Here is a snapshot of a single day's worth of juice--both breakfast and rest of the day:

I did my produce shopping at the local grocery, which isn't the most affordable, but I could barely get myself to the store.  I had already gone to Church with the kiddo, then to BMX races, then worked around the house.  Anyway, I dragged my self there and got a few things, plus all the juicing stuff.  I ended up spending I'd say about $55 on this produce.  I got the following:

-6 Jonagold Apples

-9 Navel Oranges

-12 Granny Smith Apples

-2 Bunches of Celery

-10 Pounds of Carrots

-3 Bunches of Kale

-6 Cucumbers

-Decent size chunk of fresh Ginger

-3 large Lemons

Plus I already had the following:

-1 Jonagold Apple

-2 Green Bell Peppers

-6 Tomatoes

I'm going to change up the recipes after 3 days on.  I can't handle much more than that without a change.  Also, when I try to change it too much it either gets REALLY gross, or I have to buy cases of one or two items to make enough juice.

Breakfast Juice (makes 2, 16 ounce jars...good for 2 breakfasts worth):

3 Navel Oranges

2 Jonagold Apples

4-5 Carrots

and the result...YUMMY!

 THIS IS MY FAVORITE JUICE BY FAR!!!

Green Juice (makes 4, 16 ounce jars...good for one days worth of juice plus breakfast):

1 bunch of kale (washed, whole leaves rolled like a cigar)

3 Granny Smith Apples (Cored, not peeled)

1 Tomato (washed and cut in half to fit juicer)

1 Bell Pepper (cored, washed, and broken in half to fit juicer)

Small chunk of Ginger (unpeeled...be careful a little goes a long way)

5-6 carrots (washed and ends cut off...not peeled)

2 Cucumbers (peeled)

1 large Lemon (peeled...seeds okay to juice)

3-4 stalks of Celery (washed)

and the result...(it's wacky, but straws help me chug it faster!)

Yesterday was my first day on the juice, and I did have a boo-boo.  I drank juice for breakfast, then drank 3 juices at work, then had one more juice to drink at home with my herbal tea for the evening.  I couldn't hang, so I ate a small bowl of Cream of Broccoli soup I made myself with cream, pureed broccoli, and chicken stock.  It was much too rich and tore up my stomach!  Regrets are the worst!  Then later I was making the boys their lunches, and ate a half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  That didn't mess up my stomach, and I felt a lot better after.  Not so deprived.  I felt like a total douche, however, I drank a crap ton of water yesterday (approximatly 200 oz), and really flushed my system out.  I musta peed 17 times at work alone!

Now for the news you've been waiting for I'm sure...after just one solid day of water and juice (and my non-juice indescretions) ,

the scale is down 5.2 pounds!!!

Yes, I'm happy.  Yes, this  helps motivate me!  Yes, it's freaking HARD!

Juicing takes willpower for sure. 

But, it can be done.  Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.  I'll do another post on day 4, to update my weight loss, and provide you with some new recipes!



I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I gotta tell you, I've really been working on trying to be a more positive person.  Trying to "choose" my attitude. Turn my attitude to "rad-itude".  You feel me? This is so hard.  But I'm still working on it.  I try.  It's easy to slip into old habits of just being negative.  I still look at people that seem to shrug everything off and think, "What the hell are they smoking"?  I've always felt these people are so freaking fake.  Clearly some of them are just happy.  Or "choose" to be happy.  I don't understand "choosing" to be happy myself, but for those that can do it, good for them.  It seems fake to me.  Maybe it's because I've had such a hard time finding happiness, it seems unattainable to me.  I can't find the words to truly express what I'm trying to say.  Maybe I'm jealous of those people? That would explain a lot now wouldn't it?  But that can't be entirely it.  My tendency to automatically be negative, to get angry so easily, to feel so bad about myself, and to think the whole world is against me didn't just appear out of nowhere, right?  It got worse over time, and over time it was easier and easier for me to think and feel this way.  But I'm trying to change that.  I don't want to be in the dark place anymore.  I want to feel like a normal person.  I want to be easygoing again.  Feels like Sunday morning-style, you know what I mean?

I don't buy in to the idea that I can just choose to be happy.  I have to work for it.  After a lifetime of depression, one doesn't just decide they are happy one day.  I have to redirect my thoughts, teach myself how to cope with the old habit of just going to negative-town, and learning how to process my thoughts differently.  I choose to not take medication for my depression because for me, it's not the right choice.  But there has been a price to pay for it, and it's my entire thought process has changed.  I've always been a dweller.  I'm learning to not dwell.  To let go.  To let it be. 

I've started learning to try to see the upside in things.  Sure you broke your arm...but now you can finally teach yourself to write left handed!  See!  Finding the good! LOL!  No, really.  I've got a lot of stuff heaped on my plate, sort of leaning over, and sliding off the edges, but I'm still trying to find ways to keep myself happy.  I've rearranged the living room, I already know where the Christmas tree is going to sit. And of course with all that's going on in my world, the one thing I can control is how stressed I get.  When I'm stressed I get mad.  I feel like the whole world is against me.  It sucks!  But lately, even with the car door lock that's broken, and I have to climb out the passenger door, and the dishwasher not working, and the oven heating element breaking, and the outside wall that needs painted, it hasn't been as bad as it can be.  I'm focusing on staying positive and working on the things I have greater control over.

If I haven't lost you yet, something cool is that yesterday I started tracking in MyFitnessPal again.  It's not been the easiest thing, however, I'm tracking it all.  I do have a calorie goal of 1800 a day, and I'm staying close to that, but its going to take practice to stay within that again. I just had my BMX bike frame painted, so I'm more motivated to lose the weight, and get stronger because listen, I REALLY want to be able to race this bad boy!

I'm going to try and blog more.  I want to get back into the swing of things as I think I've totally been off the wagon and trying to get back on for about 7 months now.  I backslid about 10 pounds.  I'm only 6.5 pounds away from being at my lowest in a long time, and I want to get back to that and smoke it!  My goal is to lose 86 more pounds by June 1, 2014.  It's a tough goal, but I think I can do it.  I'm motivated.  I  have that gym membership, and my hubby just bought me a new tennis racket and can of balls.  My friend Leslie and I are going to give it a go! I think it will be super fun!

 

 

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

Well folks, I brought my big ass back out of 5k retirement and walked the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure last weekend.  My friend Leslie and I decided to join a team (local radio personalities) and walk the event.  We got cute pink shirts with the team name on the front, and on the back it had the list of team members.  It was pretty cool to be a part of that.  

Here we are in the photo booth before we started walking:

I have to say, I was on board for this walk from the beginning.  Amazing cause.  Amazing people.  It's emotional.  It touches home for me.  I had a great pal to do the walk with.  I was, however, a bit nervous since I hadn't walked an event since the Moonlight 5 (mi) that I did on June 1.  That was a hard one.  

So when I got there, it was an amazing sight.  There had to have been at least 2000 people there to walk the event.  There were survivors, people currently fighting the battle, people walking in a loved ones memory, and people that just wanted to support the cause.

I thoroughly enjoyed the route, and the company was great, and there were so many people walking, that for once, I wasn't in dead last.  It didn't matter to me.  I walked it easier than any of the other events, only having to stop once or twice because I was pushing myself a little harder than I needed to, and for a quick potty/wardrobe pit-stop for Leslie.  

Here I am walking the walk:

As you can see it was a GORGEOUS day to walk the pink walk.  Everyone was in good spirits, there were people all dressed up in their feather boa's, tutu's, and crazy socks!  Leslie and I keep telling each other we are going to make some crazy gear to wear to our events, and for some reason, we haven't done it yet...that will for sure change!  This time next year I want to be able to jog a full 5k.  I'm going to start the C25K program for treadmills, since Winter is upon us and I won't be doing much walking in the pouring rain and freezing cold.  I'll try to keep you updated on that program.

Here is Ms. Leslie and I together during the walk.  Both bright smiling faces!

Keep an eye out for my next adventure...BMX riding???

Feeling the music?

"...if my body was on fire, ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames..."

-Bruno Mars, Grenade

When I was a teenager I would lock myself in my room and listen to music.  I'd feel  it all the way down in my soul.  I felt that nobody could understand me quite like the artists I was  listening to, and it was like they were singing the songs just for me.  Nobody else understood me, so it was just me and the music for some time.  I would sit in the dark and listen to bands like Tool, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Bush, Candlebox, and Stone Temple Pilots.

"...society, you're a crazy breed, I hope you're not lonely, without me..." 

-Eddie Vedder, Society, Into the Wild Soundtrack

Sometimes I would be so overcome with emotion, that I would cry.  Imagine your voice being silenced...stuffed deep into a stone box, and not being able to express yourself.  But when my favorite song would come on, I could feel myself coming out of the box, breaking out, fighting all the fears, anger, and sadness I felt all the time.  

I was pretty much the picture of teenage angst.  

"...but you cover me, yeah, won't you give me shelter from the storm.."

-Candlebox, Cover Me

I'm sure one would say I've got not much of a singing voice, but I can tell you, that to this day, nothing makes me feel more alive than when I'm singing along with my favorite song at the top of my lungs, knowing I can't be heard, so I don't feel like a total dumb-shit. 

"...think you're kind of neat, then she tells me I'm a creep...friends don't mean a thing, guess I'll leave it up to me..."

-Stone Temple Pilots, Creep

20 years later, I'm 34 years old, and still find myself sitting in my office, pulling up this music, and some current stuff, turning it all the way up, and belting out the lyrics as if it was me up on that stage. I always wanted to be a musician and remember back in the day my best friend and I would talk about starting a band, and what instrument we would play...Blue was going to play base, and I wanted to play the drums or guitar...but I really wanted to sing.  My biggest inspirations for vocals were probably Tool and Pearl Jam.

Most people that know me, don't really know this story:

When I was in 8th grade, I hung out with a girl who had an older brother in a band.  They were 3 grades ahead of us.  I had a huge crush on one of the guys in the band, and they knew it, so we would go to the one girls house all the time so we could try and sneak peaks at them...LOL.  Teen girls are so dorky!  I was about the boy craziest girl too!

One day I was over hanging out with my friends and her brother, and the hot one from the band were there.  They wanted to go to the studio where they practiced, and asked if we wanted to come along.  So we all piled into the old school full sized van with captain chairs, and all went to Subway for lunch, then to their studio.  

(seriously, I'm totally dying as I'm typing this, because I haven't thought about it in forever...) 

We get to the studio, and they do what they have to do as me and my three girlfriends are just hanging out, quite frankly feeling like the coolest chicks in the world, when one of the guys asks if we want to sing a song.  HOLY F'BALLS!  Yes, I want to sing while you play guitar and drums, just sayin'!!!!!!

So they set up their equipment, set up my one friend and I with a microphone, and then handed us the lyrics to Pearl Jam's 'Alive' and we totally sang the first part of the song.  Apparently we sucked.  Because we didn't get much farther than:

"..."Son" she said, "Have I got a little story for you,

What you thought was  your Daddy, was nothin' but a

While you were sittin' home alone at age thirteen

Your real Daddy was dying, sorry you didn't see him, but I'm glad we talked..."

So you can make fun of me next time you see me, but I was a freakin' rock star for that few minutes, and I've never lost that feeling.  

"...why can't we not be sober, just want to start this over..."

-Tool, Sober

Let's be real.

          Let's be real.  I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon.  I haven't been following a plan at all for about three months.  I've posted about things I'm going to do, and haven't gotten back on the wagon per say, at all.  Today is the last day of the unhealthy anarchy I've put on myself.  It's ridiculous.  I've gained about 8 pounds back and that is totally pissing me off. 

 

          I feel so ashamed that I was doing so well, and just completely fell off the wagon.  I feel like a total hypocrite, that I'm blogging and telling my readers how they can be healthy, and giving suggestions, yet I'm whooping it up at Taco Hell and McDevil's. I was off the fast food almost completely, and then around the time I gave up the 5k events, I gave up entirely.  It was a slow process back to the fast food though.  At first I'd still try to eat the small meals every three hours or so, and tried to make sure I was eating protein, etc.  But then more and more I started getting all willy-nilly and eating more and more crappy food.

 

          There hasn't been any 30 minute sessions on the exercise bike; I haven't saved any money towards a gym membership for the winter; I haven't done anything.  I feel like such a lame-o.  I really feel motivated to get back on track, and so I took some steps today to get there.  I put on my FitBit for the first time in months.  Tomorrow is Day 1.  I'll be doing an updated weigh in so the MyFitnessPal widget here is up-to-date.  Tomorrow I'm going back to tracking everything through the MyFitnessPal app on my iPhone too.  I know that I was most successful at the beginning of my journey, so one thing I'm going to also do is print all the food I tracked for the first few weeks of the "journey" and try changing back to that diet.  It's one of the awesome features of MyFitnessPal.

 

                                                     Here are some of the hard facts:

 

1.  In the last 7 days, I've eaten McDevil's about 5 times

2.  I have eaten a total of about 3 pounds of Jordan Almonds at work in the last 2 weeks

3.  For my birthday week, I ate about half of a 12" triple chocolate cake

4.  Some of the clothes that were finally starting to feel loose, are not feeling loose anymore

5.  I have started to feel that lazy, bloated, and worthless feeling again

 

          Anyone in their right mind knows none of these issues are good, and all of them combined are a recipe for disaster.  Certainly a handful of Jordan Almonds once in a while is okay, however a bag in a day is not really a good idea.  Even worse, eating McDevil's 5 times in 7 days (one of the days it was twice) is so bad!  I feel so guilty for doing it!  I'm going to go back to doing what I was doing.  I need to get on my bike again, and start walking the dogs like I said I was going to do every day, and I need to track every single crumb that goes into my mouth.  I can't be successful unless I follow this.  Another bad habit of mine is "trying to change it up".  I am never successful when I do this, because I end up losing track of what I'm doing, and then next thing I know it's all over.

 

          I'm sorry, readers, if I have let you down in any way by not keeping up with this.  I've tried to keep the blog interesting with some projects, and some Pinterest projects, but I need to get back to the roots of why I started this blog:  my journey.  Me.  Living life to the fullest, and doing everything I can to be healthy for my family, and myself.  I can't be happy unless I'm healthy.  They are so directly correlated for me, and to turn a blind eye to that fact is a tragedy.

 

          I appreciate each and every one of you that have supported me thus far, and I hope you will bear with me while I get my butt back in gear, and get back to the program. 

Thank you all!

 

 

 

 

 

         

 

One Year Photo Update

Okay, so back when I first started my blog, I did a photos section.  I put a photo of myself that I've absolutely hated of myself since I saw it.  This was considered by "before" photo in my mind.  The picture was taken on 4th of July last year, and I decided I'd take another one this year:

July 2012

July 2013 (-36 pounds)

I started my journey December 11 last year, five months after the picture was taken, but I've lost 36 pounds since then, and this picture proved to me that I did actually lose the weight.

The one on the left is last year, the one on the right is this year...I see a huge difference.  The one thing that comes to mind when I look at them, is I look a lot less inflamed.  Like I look puffy, and gross, and bloated on the left, and a lot more healthy on the right. 

Quite frankly I wish it was more of a difference, but that's what happens when you basically quit the program for 3 months.  I haven't gained it back, but it's been a struggle to maintain.  I know I posted my step-it-up-plan but I haven't been following it.  I've been trying to make good choices, but I'm really struggling getting back into the swing of exercising, and tracking my food, and eating on schedule, etc.  

I've been seriously contemplating doing a 10 day juice fast again, probably beginning 8/10 and going through 8/20.  It's a long juice fast, but I know I can benefit, and then I can ease back into eating well. There's no vacations, or anything out of town planned for that time frame, so I think I could do it.  I've done a 10 day fast before, and a 5 day fast, so I think it's about time.  Last time I did the 10 day fast was right after watching "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".  I found it on Netflix, and literally (I'm totally not kidding), before it was halfway over, I stopped it, went to FredMeyer, and bought a Jack LaLanne juicer, a bushel of veggies, and made my first juice.  I almost cried.  I then decided to do the 10 day fast.  It was so HARD!  Seriously, of the whole thing, I missed chewing SO MUCH! Anyways, I'll definitely blog my recipes, my day-to-day experiences, and results.  I lost 23 pounds in 10 days when I did it.  Crazy right?  I know it's drastic, but realistically, I just want a good cleanse for the brain, blood, kidneys, liver, digestive system, etc.  It really makes you feel amazing! 

Spirituality

The last month or so I have been really drawn to Buddhism.  

 

Now before you jump all over me, know this:  I am a spiritual person, not so much religious.  I believe in God and Jesus, and read the Bible (pretty infrequently, but am drawn to pick it up again now and then).  I've always believed that the Spirit is all around me no matter where I am.  The Spirit is in the Earth, the grass, the sky, the wind, the rain, the moon, the stars, and all of Gods creatures.  However, as much as I think I should go to Church, because I've been taught to believe it's what I'm supposed to do...I've yet to find one that makes me feel as welcome as the forest...When I'm in the forest, I feel God's arms around me, telling me He loves me, while I appreciate his fine work.  

What prompts this post is lately I've been looking in to Buddhism.  I think I'm drawn to it because of the lessons involved.  They are not the same lessons we are used to hearing about.  They are taught in a different way.  A very nonsensical way.  The Buddha is not taking the place of the Lord in my life.  I'm not worshiping Buddha in any way. But I can tell you I respect the lessons he teaches, and could surely stand to use them in my own life.

I've been following on Facebook a page called Buddhist Boot Camp that was created by guy named Timber Hawkeye.  He practiced Buddhism for years, and then realized it was almost too complicated.  Why couldn't it be simple?  So he went and took the knowledge he had gained, and used it to create the Buddhist Boot Camp. He's also written a book of the same name that I am saving for right now...it's not that much money, but I'm on a budget.  I'm sure he understands... :-)

 

Anyways, I've been following the page on Facebook and get a lot of Mantra's, Buddhist sayings, quotes from the Dalai Lama, etc in my feed, and have been trying to internalize them.  Also I want to try to start meditating.  This is a hard thing for me, as my mind races, but I think it's exactly what I need.  I've also been following a basic Buddhism page on Facebook too, and love the posts from that one too.  It's a fresh perspective.  I appreciate that. I'm evolving into a new person, and feel that maybe my Spirituality is evolving too.  

 

My Step-It-Up Plan

I'm stepping it up.

That's right.  I've found myself at a plateau of sorts...I feel like I'm off the wagon in a way.  I'm bored with MyFitnessPal.  I'm bored with counting every single calorie, and eating the same things every day.  I figure it's time to step it up, get back in gear, and continue on this journey with a fury.  

I've lost 35 pounds (I'm sorry if it seems like I'm constantly tooting my own horn here, and that it might not seem like a lot considering how much I have to lose-but I'm freaking PROUD of what I have accomplished) and I want to lose a LOT more so I can't just stop doing what I have been doing thinking the battle is over.  I need to keep going.  

I've created a Step-It-Up plan that I think will help me to do what I need to do in regards to eating healthy, get a lot more exercise than I'm currently getting, and track in a new way.  I'm going to outline my plan, and I sure hope my fans and readers can help me keep in check!

THE PLAN...

FOOD

Breakfast:  

Protein Shake blended with flax, spirulina, maccha tea, and Frozen Berries

Snack #1:  

dairy and protein 

or 

greek yogurt with mini morsels

Lunch:  

Protein, 

100 calorie whole grain wrap or sandwich thin, 

Tomato, 

Cucumber or Bell Pepper

Snack #2:

Plain protein shake

Dinner:

Protein

Vegetables

Whole Grain

Snack #3:

Apples or Pears or Celery

Peanut Butter or Nutella

FITNESS

Monday

30 minutes on the exercise bike

Tuesday

Zumba or Kickboxing Video

Wednesday

Weights, Push-ups, Squats, Stretching

Thursday

30 minutes on exercise bike

Friday

Local high school track to do this workout I found on Prevention's site.

Saturday

Housekeeping and yard work

Sunday

Bike Ride, Hike, or Prevention workout at the track

WEIGH-INS

Since I started this in December, I have been going to the local Monarch Medical office for weigh-ins once a week, and I'm about done with that.  I have a great scale at home that I weigh myself on every day, and there is no reason I can't continue to do that.  I'm weaned off of the B-Vitamin injections from Monarch, and quite frankly, it's expensive to keep up with.  So I figure this will be much more cost effective on my wallet. I'll still do a Friday morning weigh-in, and I'll be tracking my weight using the free Weight-Bot app on my iPhone.

TRACKING

I'm going to track my food and fitness though I haven't really decided if I just want to go back to keeping a paper journal (I don't have a lot of success keeping up on it), or if I want to try a new app on my iPhone, or if I want to buy an actual diet and fitness journal from the fitness section at WalMart.  I don't know yet.  What I do know, is this is the hardest part for me, so I have to do it to stay accountable.  

There you have it folks.  The JustBeingDina step-it-up plan for summer.  I'm confident that if I follow this plan, with portion control, minimal slip-ups, and minimal sugar intrusions, then I can say I could lose at least another 50+ pounds by the end of the year.  That's about 8 pound weight loss each month.  I can definitely do this!

My jeans are TOO BIG!!!

This morning I was feeling like I needed to rock some denim...It's "casual" Friday at work, we're allowed to wear jeans...which I usually don't since they aren't that comfortable in my opinion.  So I found a pair I've maybe worn about 10 times since I bought them a year or so ago...and rolled them up in the legs, paired them with some flats, a sleeveless shirt, and an overshirt and kicked off my day. 

Before I even left the house I found myself kind of having to hike them up a little bit.  But you know how when you wear a freshly washed pair of jeans, they start to relax a bit when you walk around and sit and stand...well these have done that today, so now any time I walk around, my pants are like sliding down and I have to hold them up! LOL! 

I am feeling pretty proud that I am finally noticing a small change since losing 35 pounds.  This is a momentous event for me and I felt like I needed to share it.  I have only experienced growing out of clothes that are too small, never growing out of something because it's TOO BIG!  I don't think I'll be able to wear these again...seriously.  In the waist, they are too loose, and I pretty much should be wearing a belt.  Seriously.  I'm going to see if I can get them made into a skirt.  Or maybe I should keep them as my "after" hold up and gawk at how much weight I lost pants for my big reveal on the Dr. Oz show someday...you know when I get invited for losing over 150 pounds someday on my own without weight loss surgery or drugs or something...LOL, yeah right!

I love this feeling and this makes me want to exercise more and keep eating better, and continue this journey! 

                               

The 5 Miler

 Here I am looking all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed before the Moonlight Five 5 mile walk/run that I completed last Saturday night.  I did the event with a couple of friends.  I couldn't have asked for two better women to walk this event with me! We got to the event and we got a free glow stick since it was a nighttime event.  We brought extra glow sticks, so we were able to adorn ourselves all fancy-like.  

                                                  Me right before we started...

Off went the horn and there we went.  I have to tell you that after my last post, I had pretty much been dreading this event.  I was so annoyed with myself that I had registered, and was really not into it at all.  The fact that I had paid $30 to do it, and had convinced two of my friends to register is what got me there.  

We started in the back of the pack so as to avoid getting run over by any hardcore runners.  I was fine with that as that is my usual spot in the event anyways.  

 There were two things about this event that I really loved: the course and the fact that the entire course was lit by a path of luminaria (white paper bags with flameless tea lights in them).  Being dark, it was really awesome to be walking through that.  It was almost magical.  The path itself was so new to me, since it was somewhere I never really go.  We walked on the sidewalk, we walked on the road, we walked through parking lots (including the parking lot at the emergency room and that was pretty awkward when people are driving through the parking lot).

The luminaria lit path....

I tried to get pictures of the mile markers, as I normally do...the mile 1 marker was totally dark...sorry about that.  The 2, 3, and 4 mile markers came out great though...

 Of course this story has to have something annoying, sketchy, and obnoxious, right? 

 OF COURSE!!!

So no sooner are we out of the parking lot when the event starts, do I hear a motorcycle cop pull up behind us...oh shit.  Are you serious?! Is this guy going to follow us the entire freaking event...?  No, just drive back and forth for a while.  We all had a good laugh out of that though for sure...see this post for more on how that feels.

Anyway, so we keep on walking. Around mile 1.75 or something like that, we are walking down a poorly lit bike path, and notice a middle aged man sitting 

on a bench and he asks, "are you trying to be in last place?" 

Um, no ASSHOLE, we aren't, but fuck-you-very-much for making us feel like shit!!!

Not too long after that, we're getting close to I'd say the 2.5 mile marker, and the two younger ladies in front of us decide they'd had enough, and cut off the course.  I couldn't believe it!!!  Why would you pay a ton of money, then buy about $30 worth of glow sticks and light-up shit, to not finish the event?  Honey's, I'm WAY fatter than you, breathing heavy, want to sit down and cry, but there is NO WAY I was going to give up!  All they did was cheat themselves.  No outright cheaters this time, unless those two chicks got around to the finish line somehow.  I don't think they did.  I think they went home.  

We continued on.  

Man, was 5 miles a long walk! I haven't walked 5 miles in a long time! 
That day, according to my FitBit, I walked:
17,559 steps and a total of 8 miles
which is a record for me since beginning this journey.
Here I am just past the finish line.  I was proud of myself.  
Feet were throbbing, feeling like cinder blocks.  Hips and thighs and knees screaming at me.  Sweaty.  Exhausted.  Proud to have finished.

Thank you friends, for walking with me!