I gotta tell you, I've really been working on trying to be a more positive person. Trying to "choose" my attitude. Turn my attitude to "rad-itude". You feel me? This is so hard. But I'm still working on it. I try. It's easy to slip into old habits of just being negative. I still look at people that seem to shrug everything off and think, "What the hell are they smoking"? I've always felt these people are so freaking fake. Clearly some of them are just happy. Or "choose" to be happy. I don't understand "choosing" to be happy myself, but for those that can do it, good for them. It seems fake to me. Maybe it's because I've had such a hard time finding happiness, it seems unattainable to me. I can't find the words to truly express what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm jealous of those people? That would explain a lot now wouldn't it? But that can't be entirely it. My tendency to automatically be negative, to get angry so easily, to feel so bad about myself, and to think the whole world is against me didn't just appear out of nowhere, right? It got worse over time, and over time it was easier and easier for me to think and feel this way. But I'm trying to change that. I don't want to be in the dark place anymore. I want to feel like a normal person. I want to be easygoing again. Feels like Sunday morning-style, you know what I mean?
I don't buy in to the idea that I can just choose to be happy. I have to work for it. After a lifetime of depression, one doesn't just decide they are happy one day. I have to redirect my thoughts, teach myself how to cope with the old habit of just going to negative-town, and learning how to process my thoughts differently. I choose to not take medication for my depression because for me, it's not the right choice. But there has been a price to pay for it, and it's my entire thought process has changed. I've always been a dweller. I'm learning to not dwell. To let go. To let it be.
I've started learning to try to see the upside in things. Sure you broke your arm...but now you can finally teach yourself to write left handed! See! Finding the good! LOL! No, really. I've got a lot of stuff heaped on my plate, sort of leaning over, and sliding off the edges, but I'm still trying to find ways to keep myself happy. I've rearranged the living room, I already know where the Christmas tree is going to sit. And of course with all that's going on in my world, the one thing I can control is how stressed I get. When I'm stressed I get mad. I feel like the whole world is against me. It sucks! But lately, even with the car door lock that's broken, and I have to climb out the passenger door, and the dishwasher not working, and the oven heating element breaking, and the outside wall that needs painted, it hasn't been as bad as it can be. I'm focusing on staying positive and working on the things I have greater control over.
If I haven't lost you yet, something cool is that yesterday I started tracking in MyFitnessPal again. It's not been the easiest thing, however, I'm tracking it all. I do have a calorie goal of 1800 a day, and I'm staying close to that, but its going to take practice to stay within that again. I just had my BMX bike frame painted, so I'm more motivated to lose the weight, and get stronger because listen, I REALLY want to be able to race this bad boy!
I'm going to try and blog more. I want to get back into the swing of things as I think I've totally been off the wagon and trying to get back on for about 7 months now. I backslid about 10 pounds. I'm only 6.5 pounds away from being at my lowest in a long time, and I want to get back to that and smoke it! My goal is to lose 86 more pounds by June 1, 2014. It's a tough goal, but I think I can do it. I'm motivated. I have that gym membership, and my hubby just bought me a new tennis racket and can of balls. My friend Leslie and I are going to give it a go! I think it will be super fun!
