8-9 Week Update!

Hey guys!  Sorry to have disappeared again!  As I've been progressing with things I'm finding that I'm super busy all the time, which doesn't leave me a ton of room to post my updates.  Most people are following me on my Instagram account (@losingmyeviltwin) to see my progress.

Anyways, today is my 9 week surgery anniversary!  If you are just checking in, I had Laparascopic Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on September 25, 2018.  I started a pre-operative liquid diet on 8/28/2018 and lost 33.3 pounds before surgery, and have officially lost 48 pounds since surgery for a total of 81.3 pounds.  The night before I started my liquid diet I was 415.5 pounds and as of this morning was 333.2 which feels amazing. 

Since I last posted the biggest thing is that I am eating real food again.  I'm eating meats, cooked veggies (I've not tried any raw veggies yet as I heard those can be hard to deal with), oatmeal, cheese (lots and lots of cheese), chili, chicken and tuna salads, etc.  I've even gotten brave enough to order some deep fried fish and scrape all the breading off when I was on a trip over the weekend a couple weeks ago.  I learned to adapt.  It's not easy...by far.  But it can be done if you take the time to make smart decisions.  I don't eat out a lot, and was super prepared when I traveled, but still it's nice to live a normal life and eat in a restaurant with a friend or your family without being a huge inconvenience.  Truth be told: I've become a cheap date.  I need like 5 bites anymore and I'm pretty much full, especially if it's meat. Win!

I'm feeling better all the time in terms of internally.  My surgical wounds are all healed up completely, and I don't feel any muscle or nerve pain at all anymore.  I still get some bouts of nausea here and there, and sour stomach here and there, but it's getting much better as my body is learning to adapt to this huge change.

I had my 1 month follow up on Halloween and my surgeon was very happy with my progress.  When I asked him how much more weight he wanted to see me lose by my next appointment which will be at the beginning of February, he gave me a number of 30 pounds.  Looking at how in my first month after surgery I lost 31.2 pounds, I figured this would be cake.  But it's definitely slowing down.  So far this month I've "only" lost 13.4 pounds with a few days to go.  Even still, losing 15 pounds in a month is nothing to shake a stick at.  And this is not a race.  And as long as I continue to follow the program, I will continue to lose.  I'm really hoping to lose a tiny bit more than what he expects, but I'll be happy if I can at least meet his goal.

One thing I am still struggling with is exercise.  I want to start a gym membership but learning to make time to go is still hard for me.  I'm also still dealing with some foot pain (most likely arthritis due to my obesity according to the bone doctor I saw a few months ago).  Hoping that as I lose weight it gets a little better.  Another goal I have is to find exercise that I truly enjoy.  Next summer I will be kayaking (you can bet on it) which will be awesome exercise.  But getting through the winter is the key.  I need to keep my muscles toned.  I'm pretty strong overall, but definitely want to build more muscle to help burn more fat.  I also do NOT want to just go walk on the treadmill or hop on a trainer for an hour as a workout.  That is boring.  That feels like punishment.  That feels like torture, and all those feelings are self-defeating and don't help anyone!  So I'm looking to maybe try something more fun like Zumba classes, water aerobics, or I don't know what.  I'm always open to ideas! 

More big news is that with my losing weight, I'm also becoming a little more outgoing again and braver.  So I've booked myself a flight to So Cal to visit my best friend, her mom, and some of my family.  I'm super duper excited, and leave next week, however I'm also really scared to fly fat.  I haven't flown in almost 4.5 years (was it really that long ago we did Disney? Holy crap!), and of course I'm getting that anxiety again.  Unfortunately I don't have any records of my weights at that time anymore (the closes I could find is 351 and that was December 2014).  So I'm probably less in weight than I was at that time, but I also feel like my body comp is a bit different than then too.  My belly, of course, is always the last thing to get smaller, but I had posted in a follow-up blog to our trip that I did use a seatbelt extended but only barely needed it.  I fully plan on asking for one as I get on the plane, and will just keep my fingers crossed that I can give it back and not need it. I'm really also secretly hoping that they upgrade me in some way on the plane (close to a 0% change I know, but a girl can dream right?) because I can see that someone decided to buy the seat next to me and leave the seats on the other side of the row empty (annoying, like who does that?) and it would have been awesome to not have to sit next to anyone.  The plus size is this is a 2x2 plane which means it's only 2 seats on one side of the isle and 2 seats on the other. So no middle seat awkwardness.  I chose the window seat each way so I can turn to the window and lean away from anyone sitting next to me.  I don't want to encroach on anyone's space, and I don't want to have to lean into the isle and risk being hit by the drink cart.  Again, it's only a 2 hour flight, but I will already be dealing with enough anxiety as it is, that I don't need it to be worse by having to constantly be contorting myself around people or carts in the isle.  I've also considering just paying for the upgrade to mid-class but that's an extra $50 each way.  I'm sort of cheap.

Anyways, that's about all that is going on right now. Thanks for checking it out! I'll try to get another update out in a few weeks or so! Later tater!

4+ Weeks (I'm sorry I've disappeared!)

Tuesday, October 23 was my 4 week surgery anniversary!  I'd be lying if I said it's been a perfectly easy journey to this point.  It hasn't been the hardest though, either.  It's 98% a mental game for sure.  You see food, smell food, get offered food and you just want it.  Especially when you haven't had any solid food for over 6 weeks.  I'm so lucky (sarcasm) in that I get to sit next to the microwave at work.  So everyone's amazing smelling food just makes my mouth water.  People bring in treats that I would love to try, but I can't.  And for good reason.  I clearly don't need it.  I want it out of habit and addiction.  I'm spiraling here...

As of today, October 25, I'm down 63.5 pounds total since 8/28/2018.  I definitely feel like I'm 63.5 pounds lighter.  Before surgery I lost 33.3 pounds, and since surgery it's been 30.2 pounds.  So awesome.  I've experienced a couple small stalls (my body is constantly adjusting to this food deprivation and lack of caloric intake, so it's totally to be expected) but I get past them in 3-4 days or so.  I'm relatively patient.  It definitely still boggles my mind that I've had the surgery and when I think about where I'll be in say 6 weeks, I'll be looking at lost to another 20-25 pounds down by then.  By my 40th birthday next summer, I'm really hoping to be around 125 pounds down (from surgery weight).  

Here are some notable events that have happened in the last couple of weeks around my surgery:

• Just after my 2 week mark I had 2 teeth pulled.  That's been fun.  Luckily I was already on fluids so no big issues with chewing or anything.  They are close to healed. I'll be glad when the pockets close up a bit more.  No issues with them. 
• I've managed to start getting my vitamins in each day (most of them).  I haven't been able to get myself to take the Vitamin C since it's so sour and I already am dealing with sour stomach. But I'm getting in at least 1000mg of the calcium, my Vitamin D, and my multi.  Every other day I take the B12. 
• I went to dinner with a friend (Pho) and had some broth.  Was able to socialize and feel like a normal person.
• Have graduated to soft foods (actually a couple days early was given the ok to move forward) so I've been having 3 small meals a day of thinks like cottage cheese and deli turkey, lunch meat and soft cheese, beans and cheese with sour cream and salsa and guacamole. It's going OK, but my eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach.  I have a baby stomach again and not being able to get in more than 1 ounce or so is really hard.  I'm a normal person so I want more flavor, but too much flavor means too much food believe it or not. I still have to drink 2 protein shakes a day *gross* but I need to make sure I'm getting in at least 65 grams of protein a day.
• Was intimate with the hubster. Things worked just as they should. No pain.  No issues. It was fun!
• All of the glue has come off of all my incisions.  Almost all the scabs are gone.  My skin isn't itching as much from the tape from the drain.  I don't feel any nerve pain really.  Overall it's great.  The worst one is right above my belly button and annoys me because it his my pants all the time so that's annoying.  But I'm only a couple more weeks away from being released to regular lifting and being able to go into the hot tub or swimming pool.  

Truth be told though, I'm a bit behind on my walking.  I am struggling a little bit with getting all my walking in.  I need to buy my gym membership so I can start going and hitting the weights and the stair machine.  I also should doing the stairs at work.  I work in a building with 4 floors so there is no reason if it's raining why I can't go do stairs for 15 minutes or so.  My endurance is already so much better without that 63 pounds on me.  So I need to keep working on building my muscle and burning fat.  

Next week, on Halloween is my official first follow up appointment.  I'm hoping to hear things like how much they expect me to lose by my next visit (around February 2019), whether or not I'm meeting their expectations, is my blood work looking good (I'll not hear that until after I'm guessing), and how my diet may or may not progress. I haven't tried anything but soft food and am dying to know when I can have pickles, olives, and crunchy things.  I bought these awesome cheese crackers (literally crackers made from just cheese) and they are high protein and would be great with some tuna, chicken, or egg salad.  I have a whole list of questions to take with me and hope to get them all answered before I leave.  

To wrap this up, overall I think I've been a pretty good patient in recovery.  I've been going to therapy, and I feel good overall.  I haven't thrown up once, so far no issues from the surgery.  It's a huge learning curve.  Making sure that I keep in mind that from now on I'm eating to live, not living to eat (which is sooo hard because I'm totally a foodie!).  I know it's early in the journey for me, but I know that I have big goals to accomplish and being successful with my surgery, self-care, diet, and increasingly healthier lifestyle will all help me achieve those goals!

I made it to 2 weeks!

Well, the last two weeks have certainly flown by!  Yesterday was my two week "surgiversary" and I am feeling pretty good. I've had a few hiccups along the way like a three day bout of pain and indigestion after having some tortilla soup that was not on my approved list, and was thickened with potato.  My pouch was ANGRY at me for that.  After a couple of days I was out of pain, then started working on my fluids and protein again.  About that time I tried to convince myself I was dealing with a stricture, but it wasn't that.  I really think I've been dealing with some silent reflux.  My poor stomach is probably just super confused on why it hasn't seen food in 5 weeks, and why is a part of it missing.  The reflux, or GERD or whatever it is doesn't hurt per se, but it feels like everything is sitting in my throat or trying to come back up.  It's not super pleasant.  Yesterday I had some nausea, but no vomiting.  I just couldn't eat my soup, and didn't want water.  I had some peppermint tea as warm seems to sit a lot better than cold this last week.  The problem with the peppermint is that it also relaxes that muscle that keeps the acid out of the esophagus so while it helps it also doesn't at the same time.

As of this morning, I've lost just under 55 pounds since August 28.  I'm amazed.  I feel SO much better than I was feeling.  I totally don't get winded walking from one end of the office building to the other.  I feel like I can go farther.  I want to park at the farthest part of the parking lot, but also don't want to be soaking wet when I get to my desk, so I need to make sure to put my umbrella in my car.

I weigh myself every day.  I know some people don't think that's a good idea, but it's in the instruction manual I was given by my surgeon's office.  I think it helps you get a more accurate idea of what your weight is anyways.  Especially due to things like water weight gain during cycle, etc.  This will also be good to have for when I'm hitting a stall, or when I start eating pureed or soft foods as those will of course affect it in some way as well.  Overall, it's working for me and some days I have a bigger loss than others, and that is okay.  Big picture is the weight is coming off, and I've lost 21 pounds since surgery and think I'm right on track.  I've very excited to be weighed in at the surgeon's office on 10/31 because they will tell me if they think I'm doing a good job, etc.  I appreciate the feedback as it's motivating to me.

This morning I dealt with a super sour stomach.  I'm taking Pepcid twice a day and that doesn't seem to be helping lately.  I may call my surgeon's office and see what they say.  I'm allergic to Nexium so I don't want to risk being put on something like that. 

My incisions are about 70% healed.  Two of the five incisions have lost the glue cover on them and are fresh little pink scars.  I don't think they are going to be super visible unless of course they decide to keloid, as I'm prone to that.  My drain incision is healing a little differently since that wasn't glued shut after the drain was removed.  She just pulled it out and threw a couple little pieces of tape over it, which I later put a band-aid on.  That is a bit thicker scab, itches like freaking crazy.  As does the skin near it as I was allergic to the tape the nurse used to put the dressing on around the drain line.  Fun.  Hopefully that goes away soon.  It's not quite as bad, but still there.

I have not yet felt comfortable enough to try being intimate with my hubby.  Maybe TMI, but some people want to know about these things.  I am a bit afraid of pressure on my belly still as my pouch won't be fully healed for another month or so, and ripping my staples is a huge fear.  I was not given any restriction on this other than, " when I'm comfortable to do it".  I asked for a doctors note for 6 weeks. LOL.

People are starting to notice.  They are starting to see it.  I feel like I can see it in my face a bit, my neck, and my feet/ankles.  My pants all still fit the same, so I don't see much difference in my belly and waist.  I know that's going to be the last thing that shrinks down.  If I can get to a size 12/14 I'll be so freaking happy because then I can shop anywhere.  I know I'm going to have a lot of excess skin.  I've seen enough before/after pictures to have a pretty good idea of what it will look like.  I definitely won't be wearing any bikini's however a tankini and surf shorts is my style and I know I'll feel super comfortable in that (I may be planning a trip to Hawaii for my 40th birthday and estimate I'll be close to 125 pounds down by then putting me at about 290.  Anything less than that will be icing on the proverbial cake!).

I've been struggling a bit to get my protein and fluids in, so I'm really balancing on the edge of full-blown dehydration which sucks.  My BP feels like it's a bit elevated and I'm sure that has to do with the fact that I'm barely getting fluids into me.  I wish I could just make an appointment with my doctor for some IV fluids.  But it needs to be a bit more emergent for me to head to Urgent Care to do it.  I'm getting about 50 ounces of water and drinks in a day, and about 50 grams of protein overall.  I know I need to increase that but it's not been super easy with the reflux and stuff.  I keep trying each day to drink more, but it's SO hard to do.  That is no joke.  Though I was getting in about 70 ounces of water a day and 65-70 grams of protein each day, and after my stomach hurt, it's been a challenge to get back to that. 

Today I have a dentist appointment to pull two back teeth on the bottom that are super loose due to me having progressive gum disease most of my adult life, and the roots in those teeth are a single pointy root instead of the double pointed root that molars normally have.  I'm a freak. I have some anxiety of course since I just stopped my Lovenox injections yesterday (YAY) so I'm a bit worried about the bleeding but I'm WAY more worried about them numbing my mouth.  I HATE HATE HATE that feeling.  I'm always so worried I'll have a severe reaction though after surgery and all the medicine I've had to take, I'm sure I'll be just fine.  So that's pretty much my update for now.  I'll be back for another check-in in a couple weeks!

Days 7 & 8

Yesterday was both a good and horrible day.  Yesterday started with some good: I hit my 40 pounds lost and also didn't have to take any Tylenol for pain when waking up for the first time since surgery.  I went out to dinner with a friend and planned ahead of time to order a cup of French Onion soup without the cheese and croutons.  It didn't leave me with much more than a half cup of broth, but it was very savory and delicious.  

Later in the evening things started to turn.  My husband came home later than expected and decided he was too tired to eat his dinner that I had waiting for him.  That always stings for me.  It makes me think he doesn't find it good enough to eat.  And since I couldn't enjoy that delicious meal I had waiting for him, I was really annoyed about it.  Then my teenage son decided to become an argumentative turd, so I was really pissy and yelling and arguing with him which stressed me out and made my stomach/esophagus hurt. Of course now I keep thinking that I did something to rip a stitch or staple and am having internal bleeding or something.  I'm sure that's not true, but the stress of yelling doesn't help anything.  

This morning I woke up and it was already more of the same.  I had to take a dose of Tylenol today because my esophagus and stomach were both still aching, though it was really awesome that all the incisions and stuff weren't hurting like they were.  Being able to sleep in my bed again has been a huge help to feeling better.  

I've been losing about a pound a day average since surgery.  I was really hoping it would be more like 2 pounds a day.  I am trying hard to not compare myself to other people in the Facebook groups I'm in, but when I see people say "I lost 30 pounds my first month" or "I lost 10 pounds my first week" I get a little annoyed.  A little discouraged.  Because I'm not on track for either of those.  I lost 9 pounds and today is my 8th day.  So I guess 

Something I noticed yesterday is how big of drinks of fluid I am able to take.  I feel like I'm supposed to be taking baby sips of everything which means if it's something hot it goes cold before I can fully enjoy it. So right now I'm reheating my coffee which I just made less than 10 minutes ago and now putting it in my insulated mug to stay hot because I'm not a super fan of room-temp coffee.  I want it iced or hot and since we're in the midst of the seasons truly changing and it's foggy outside this morning, I want hot.  Hot also soothes an irritated stomach so I wanted to start the day with warm.  Anyways, I digress.  

I'm really going to focus on not yelling or caring too much about anything but myself for the rest of the time I'm at home before going back to work.  I know that next week is going to be a very long week for me, and it will be a miracle if I can make it through each day without having to leave early because I know just how bad of a shit show it's going to be when I return.  Which makes me have mixed feelings about having to take time for myself and how much I'll suffer for it when I get back.  But this isn't the vlog for it.  

Last night I also wanted to try starting my YouTube channel with the videos for my journey.  Then I kept getting a Henry Rollins quote running through my mind, "It will destroy you if you try to make it mean anything to anyone but yourself."  So I stopped the upload, and deleted it.  I feel like that is true.  I have this blog for the ramblings in my head during this journey, that I do share but I doubt anyone reads, and I also have an Instagram account that I created for more of a visual record that some of my friends have found and followed.  But I've done the Instagram account before so I tread lightly there in that previously I had gotten a negative comment about the "garbage" I was eating (a protein cookie) and it wrecked me and I got upset and deleted the account.  Well, I'm a little more evolved now in that I can just delete a negative comment and move on, but I am a very sensitive person and I hate when people are like that.  

Anyways, so today my goal is to take it very easy, allow myself to heal and be a lazy bum that is recovering so I can feel as good as I felt yesterday morning.  I don't think I'll get brave and try the oatmeal today since I feel like everything is really irritated and angry right now.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day if I'm feeling better.  I recently tried a half serving of Cream of Wheat and that felt like I was eating sand because I'm not used to anything with texture and then it came screaming out the other end.  I took that to mean, nope.  This is not going to be something we try again for a while.  Clearly my tiny stomach wasn't ready for it.  

I really can't wait until I've been cleared for "soft/pureed" foods.  I really want some tuna or chicken salad.  Or some chili with cheese and sour cream.  Something with some substance that isn't a freaking protein shake.  It will come.  28 more days until my 1 month follow-up visit in which I hope they give me the all clear to proceed to phase II of my eating schedule. 

Day 5: Bored and Bloated

This morning I woke up and my stomach hurt. I had taken some liquid Tylenol a few hours before bed, and it had clearly worn off while I slept.  My stomach has been hurting mostly where my actual stomach is, and I think it's because my liver might be a little sore from where they move it out of the way.  So not necessarily my stomach, but in that general area.  I got right up out of my recliner and the first thing I did was take the Tylenol and chase it with a few ounces of water. It takes me about ten minutes to get the medicine down, but by the time I'm finishing it, it's already kicking in and that's awesome.  I think my smaller stomach and the fact that it's liquid has something to do with that.  

After my shower I started working on some protein drink and my other medicine.  I made breakfast for my family (sausage and eggs and english muffins... something I would normally eat way too much of) and didn't even want a bite.  It's a crazy feeling.  Yesterday I watched my husband cook and eat bacon and didn't feel the urge to suck on the bacon or lick the grease off his fingers.  Yes, I was considering these things before surgery during my pre-op diet. 

So where am I at with my weight loss? I've finally lost the hospital water weight, and then some.  This morning I weighed in at 377.8 which means I've lost a total of 36.7 pounds in the last month, since I've started pre-op diet, and I've lost 3.4 since the day before surgery because I'm cancelling out the water weight I gained and lost which was about 6 pounds. 

Overall today was a fairly uneventful day.  I gave myself another Lovenox injection.  Literally it's the thing I'm hating the most.  The second thing I hate the most is this liquid diet.  I know it's for the best to allow my stomach to heal, but it's gross.  I'm so tired of sweet.  I want savory.  I can have broths and protein soups (like Proti or Health Wise brand) but they are not that good.  I have a bag of unflavored protein that I can add to some soups and stuff, but I haven't heard back from my nutritionist to see if it's okay to maybe have some strained Campbell's soup with the added protein instead of those.  I'm learning quickly that I can't really reach out to her in the way she kind of led me to believe.  In our binder it has her cell number and says we can text anytime, seven days a week between 8am-8pm.  I texted her at about 10am and haven't heard back.  I am trying really hard to follow my binder to the letter because I want to be super successful, but I'm not sure how successful I can be if the options are literally making me gag.  So we'll see.  Tomorrow I am going to try the Cream of Wheat thinned out with some vanilla Protein shake.  That sounds like it can work or be really gross.  Luckily I will only be able to eat about a half serving, so if I have to make it again, it's no sweat off my back.  I'm just so excited to eat something that isn't broth, protein soup, pudding, jello or protein shake.  I'm very eager to get into the pureed/soft foods. 

I've started making my own shopping list for when I'm about to hit soft foods.  I've decided that I'm going to do my own week (or a few days, we'll see how well it goes) of pureed foods before I get into soft foods.  The plan they gave me doesn't even list pureed at all.  So I want to be extra careful that I don't hurt myself.  I fully intended to go the route of baby food for this stage, but looking online it seems like a lot of it is really high in sugar, and I don't want to eat anything high in sugar. I'll check them out when I'm at the store, but may just live on mashed potatoes (yum) with gravy or some blended refried beans with cheese (yum).  I can't imagine myself ever really wanting to have sweets again after all this liquid diet business.  I will have to supplement with protein shakes twice a day probably forever so I know I'm getting that protein in, but that's okay.  I'll have other variety. 

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful.  I did leave the house for a couple of hours and today I drove for the first time since the day before my surgery.  That was a little uncomfortable because my belly feels so bloated still (I feel nine months pregnant), and I was so scared the steering wheel would hit my incisions that I drove awkwardly.  But I did it.  I got to socialize for a bit, and be up on my feet for a couple hours and that was good.  

Later in the evening I was starting to feel the urge to spend money.  Something that has been kind of an issue lately.  I don't have food to graze on, splurge on, and to satisfy me, and I feel like I've been spending money to make up for that.  This is something I had previously discussed with my therapist, as oftentimes people who have weight loss surgery turn to alcohol.  They can't eat, and they get buzzed much faster.  Well I don't drink, but it's become very clear how much time spent eating, cooking, grazing, and shopping.  So I kept myself home, and did something that is unheard of for me...I went for a walk around the block.  By myself, and left my phone at home.  I walked around the block which is only .1 mile, but 5 days after surgery, I felt great.  My legs really wanted to go one or two more times but my abdomen was feeling bloated and heavy and I felt like I didn't want to overdo it.  I am proud of myself, and will start doing it every night.  

I'm going to meet a friend for dinner on Tuesday evening.  One thing I'm good at is looking at a menu ahead of time to see what I can eat.  I picked a place that has soup, which I can have, and they have french onion which isn't a heavy cream soup.  I'll request a cup of soup, without bread and cheese, and will just not eat the onions.  I think that will be great.  I'll probably only be able to eat about half of it anyways, but it's more about being able to live a normal life, be social, but make good decisions.  

Day 3: Coming Home

Today I came home from Coos Bay.  I had my final appointment with my surgeon and the assisting doctor at his office.  I woke up feeling really good.  Surprising since I slept pretty crappy last night overall.  I was sick of sleeping in a recliner, but the couch wasn't comfortable, and I didn't want to sleep on a kids bed, or go up the steep, ladder-like steps in our AirBnB.  

I woke up early and started sipping water and protein.  Grabbed a shower, gave myself my injection, and took my medications.  Everything was good.  I was so glad to be going home, though at the same time, I was super scared to leave the comfort of a town where my surgeon was.  That reminds me, I need to call and request copies of all my medical records be sent over to my actual doctor here in town.  Just so they are on file for future prescriptions, procedures, etc.  

Anyway, so I had one final appointment.  I got there and they weighed me (I was still about 2 pounds heavier than the day before surgery due to my cycle and the fluids they pumped into me while I was in the hospital).  I have a feeling that tomorrow when I weigh myself, I'll be less than I was the day before surgery which means things are starting to head the right direction.  

Once my vitals were taken, I spoke with one doctor who answered all the questions I had been coming up with since my first post-op appointment.  She was really great in answering all my questions.  The specific questions I had were:

1. How long until my stomach is healed and a leak is no longer a possibility?
2. How long after surgery until post-op blood clot risk is reduced to that of someone who hasn't had surgery?
3. How long until the bloating goes away?
4. Are these esophageal spasms normal and how long will they last?
5. When can I drive again?
6. Can I begin taking Miralax again as needed?
7. Can I start taking the liquid Extra Strength Tylenol during the day instead of the liquid painkiller they prescribed?

The answers to these questions were as follows:

1. If a leak hasn't happened by now (we did a leak test the day after) and I don't do anything stupid like eat a bunch of regular food when I shouldn't, then it probably won't happen.  Also, the stomach should be totally healed in 6 weeks and then it won't be any issue at all. 
2. About the time I'm done taking my 2 weeks' worth of Lovenox injections (blood thinners).
3. The bloating from the gas they pumped into me can take about 3 weeks to be fully absorbed and expelled.
4. The spasms are normal and will go away in the days to come.  
5. I can drive when I'm not taking any of the narcotic pain medication during the day anymore. 
6. I can take the Miralax or Milk of Magnesia as needed. 
7. Yes to the Tylenol. 

So there we have that folks.  Overall they said I looked really great, and that everything was on track.  I have a follow up visit at their office in a month.  While I can track my progress on my home scale, I'm very excited to become a success story for their office.  I can't wait for those 1 month, 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, and 12 month follow ups to see my progress with them. 

After I scheduled my next appointment, my folks and I packed the truck and headed back to my place.  We stopped halfway to stretch and go to the bathroom, and then made on more stop for them before my house which was ok because I was so over being in the truck.  My belly was just about done being jiggled around, and sitting upright gets uncomfortable when I can stand and stretch the way I want to.  

I got home and my family was still at school and work so I had a chance to say my goodbye's, take some pain medicine, and grab some fluids.  I was rocking through those fluids probably because I couldn't feel the pain of how much I was drinking.  Over 3 hours I drank about 18 oz of fluid between water, gatorade, and protein drink.  I was feeling like a total champ.  That is until I took my evening medication (2 pills) and they got stuck in my throat for a little bit. I was being lazy and sitting in my recliner when I took them so I wasn't sitting upright enough for a smooth trip to my stomach.  That was seriously uncomfortable.  I reached out to a friend who had the surgery about 2 months ago and she talked me off the ledge and told me to take some pain meds and to find something else to do so I wasn't just sitting there thinking about it.  That definitely helped.  She also told me to really not take so much liquid in and to try to slow down.  I'm pushing and I need to not do that.  

So I am just now starting to sip the other half of my peppermint tea because my mouth is ridiculously dry.  I've also had major charlie horses in my calves for 2 days because my fear of blood clots is so bad that any time I sit down I do ankle rolls and flex my feet, and all kinds of twitchy-ness and my poor calves are about over it.  Talking to the doctor today about the blood clot risk she explained that I can sit for an hour or two at a time and if I get up and move around for a bit I'll be fine.  Another friend that has had the surgery told me to walk 5 minutes for every hour of sitting so I want to try doing that too.  I just want my calves to stop aching so I won't think I'm dying all the time.  

Since I've been home my anxiety has been much higher than it has been since after surgery.  I think that is because I'm 2 hours away from my surgeon and the hospital where I had my surgery.  I can't stop thinking of post-op complication risks, etc.  I know I need to just be in the moment.  One thing I've noticed is how much more calm I feel after I take the narcotic pain medication.  It's a relief to not feel so worried about death for a while.  I know this was a textbook operation, and that overall I don't have any co-morbidities to cause extra major complications, but anxiety brain tells me there are no guarantees and then I worry all the time.  I'm thinking it's time to may get myself back on the anxiety medication so I can live my life like a normal person than one living in fear all the time.  

I'm exhausted from this first day home.  I can't lift anything more than 20 pounds for 6 weeks.  I feel like an invalid, and in a way I am.  I just had a major operation and need to allow myself to heal.  I just feel lazy, but also need to find more stuff to occupy my mind and hands that won't strain me or hurt me in any way.  I have some needlepoint I need to finish, and some succulents I need to get planted after a trip to the garden center for more soil, and containers.  

Until next time...

Day after surgery.

This morning was the swallow test, and I rocked it.  They took me back and had me changed into a gown (just my top stuff had to be taken off) and stood me in front of this tall xray machine.  They first gave me a cup with some iodine kool-aid in in.  I took a sip and they watched that go down.  They thought it looked good so they had me take another sip from the side and that was fine.  Then they gave me a cup with some super heavy dense thick white stuff called barium.  I took a gulp of that and they watched it go down.  Then they had me chase it with some water and said that everything looked good and they would share it with my surgeon, who I was going to see next. 

I left the hospital and stopped to pick up my Lovenox (blood thinner injections that I'll be giving myself for 2 weeks once a day).  After that we headed to the surgeons office where they weighed me (I only gained 4 pounds of water weight from surgery and that will be gone fast), and took me back to the room.  They took my vitals, and then removed my drain.  That was awful.  The most painful thing.  She said it would feel "weird" but no, it felt like she was pulling my new stomach out.  Gross  She then gave me my injection and then I talked to one of the doctors I saw in the hospital, and then my surgeon.  I shook his hand and thanked him for getting me through safely.  After that I was told I can start taking my pills (Prevacid, Reglan, and my blood pressure med Hydrochlorothorazide) as well as go ahead and start back up on my liquid diet that I had been following except now I can add Cream of Wheat!  Woo!  Something new!  Oatmeal too, but it has to basically be drinkable. Now I'll be following the liquid diet for another 4 weeks as my tiny stomach heals up, then I can move into pureed and soft foods.

 I plan to do pureed foods for a weeklong transition to make sure I'm adjusting well to the thicker foods.  So babyfood and thinned out mashed potatoes and stuff like that.  I'm really eager to eat some sliced turkey with some cheese.  That will be glorious!!!  I'll definitely be able to eat foods again come Thanksgiving and the boys can share a tiny few bites of their food with me.  Easy peasy.

Overall, I feel like my recovery couldn't be more idea.  I'm not trying to be cocky, because I realize it's still early in the game and things can happen, but I'm really trying to follow the rules and keep me feet and legs moving to avoid clots, and to get fluids on board to start beating the dehydration that set in a day before surgery.  They only gave me 2 bags of fluids over 10 hours in my recovery room which I thought was crazy.  So today I really want to chug, but know that would be a very bad idea.  So I sip slowly and know that if I keep it up, I'll get where I need to be. 

My parents have been so amazing.  I don't know how I would have gotten through this without them.  They are so incredibly thoughtful and helpful and caring to me.  They've really done a million little things that have made all the difference.  I'm glad we have a couple days now of downtime so they can go enjoy the town, rest, and not have to drive me to and fro to appointments.  Friday is my final appointment before I go home, and then they will take me home and then I'll be on my own to continue to heal for another week before I go back to work. 

All of my friends that have been checking on me, and everyone in the FB groups I'm in for this have all been amazing too.  So helpful and friendly and encouraging.  I'm definitely blessed to have them all in my life. 

I made it!

Well folks, I made it through surgery.  Now to take good care of myself and avoid any post-surgical complications.  I'm working hard to document my journey and transformation so this is the best account I can give of my pre-op appointments through this morning, the first day after my surgery.  Here goes...

On Monday, my family and I drove to Coos Bay, OR where I was going to have the surgery.  My parents were going to be meeting us after my pre-op appointments at the AirBnB, then say goodbye to my family as they had to go back home for work and school.  We got into town just a smidge early, but the took me back early for my first pre-op appointment at the surgeons office.  All they did was take "before" pictures of me, took some vitals, and then weighed me at my request.  It was an odd pre-op visit in my opinion.  

After that visit, we had about 2.5 hours to kill, and the next appointment was literally a block away.  So we took the boys to McD's and got them lunch, and got me some water to drink and to have a protein drink.  After that we stopped at the store and the gas station and then looked for a park to go hang out at for an hour and a half or so.  We found this cool little spot near the place I was going to be staying that was right on the bay.  We hung out, watched the water, took some pictures and watched the Coast Guard helicopters coming and going.  Finally I couldn't take anymore, so we headed to the hospital for my next pre-op visit.  

During my pre-op visit, the RN asked me tons of questions about my vitamins, medications, etc.  I had been told at my first appointment in August I would be prescribed a regimen of blood thinners to take for 2 weeks.  I asked who would be dispensing that to me and she had no idea.  She called the hospital pharmacy and they told her they didn't do it.  So I said I would call the doctors office after my appointment because the surgeons assistant had told me it would be given to me at my pre-op.  

So after I was done with getting my check-in and surgery time I left and called the surgeons assistant asking her what was going on with the thinners.  We had just turned down the road to the house we were staying at when she called me back and said the prescription would be at the front desk.  Good grief.  My stress level was high, my anxiety was high, I wanted to just be in the house and take off my shoes for a bit but now had to go back to the doctors office again, to go back to Walgreen's again, to skedaddle back to the AirBnB to get the car back to my husband so he could head home.  I ran up there fast, grabbed it and dropped it off then jetted back to the BnB.  My folks had just gotten there so we said our hello's and then I said my goodbye's to my family and sent them home.  My parent's and I spent the evening chatting with each other and then they went out to dinner and let me relax a bit.  Later that evening I watched 911 with my son on Google Duo so it was like we were sitting with each other which I think made both of us feel better in a way.  I know he's been a little worried about my surgery too. 

The next morning my parents and I woke up bright and early to head to the hospital and check-in at 7:30am.  Surgery was scheduled for 2 hours after that.  They took me to my pre-op space and had me change into my gown and then wipe myself down with some anti-bacterial wipes.  After that they had me get up to pee and lucky me, my period freaking started.  So they got me some mesh panties and the worst pad on the planet.  I was so hoping that I would not have it until a day or two after surgery.  I got very lucky in that their stupid pads worked until I could get my own giant boat pad.  Anyway, TMI. 

So while they were doing the check-in a nurse came by and blurted "pre-op" to the nurse in my cubby with me.  She looked at me and basically said that means you are going in sooner than 9:30.  Holy crap.  So another nurse came in to help her so it went by faster.  They brought out the machine to help find a vein because nothing was glaringly useful.  The 2nd nurse gave it a try, and my vein blew.  Which I had no idea what that meant, and thought it meant something bad.  I'm such a worrywort.  So they tried again in the back of my left hand, twice, and both of those blew as well.  Then they tried again on my right hand.  Blew.  At this point, I was mega stressed out feeling like maybe all this was a bad idea and I was thinking of running away.  My dad was there with me and was helping me to stay in somewhat good spirit.  They went and got an anesthesiologist to come take a look to see if he could find a vein and he couldn't at first.  So they said they were going to take me back to recovery where they have an ultrasound machine to help find the vein since my veins were being so finicky.  I was mega dehydrated and that was causing the issue.  So at that point my dad was saying goodbye to me and that's when I lost it and started bawling like a baby.  I felt like I was saying goodbye to my dad for the last time and that I wasn't going to make it through surgery, etc.  I tried to pull myself together to say good bye, and gave him a kiss and hug and off he went to the waiting room with mom.  

They wheeled me back to recovery and the anesthesiologist found a vein within a few minutes and put the IV in me.  They immediately gave me something to relax me which normally I want nothing to do with, but at this point I wanted to check-out so bad I was fine with it.  I didn't know they had done it until I felt it, and it was awesome.  I felt so much better.  They got me into the OR, and within about 4 minutes, I was going under. 

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room feeling like I was having a heart attack. The pressure in the middle of my breasts was unlike anything I've ever experienced.  It was awful.  To be on the safe side, they gave me an EKG which was clear, and they told me so, and that helped me know it was the gas pain I was feeling and not me actually dying.  After a bit of me dozing in and out they took me up to my own room in the short-stay unit to continue my recovery.  They showed me how to work the TV, bed, gave me ice chips, etc.  The nurses were all fantastic.  Everyone was so nice.  I had one CNA that wasn't a huge fan of helping me out, but it was a guy, and when he was helping me during a quick walk told me he had an MBA in Hospital Administration and didn't like being a CNA but liked working for the hospital.  So that was interesting.  

My parents came in to check on me for a while but since I was so in and out of it decided they would head home until they knew I was close to checking out.  I really thought it would be around 5-6pm, but then one of the nurses told me no way, it was going to be around 11pm.  My parents are such troopers to stick by me for all this stuff.  They are amazing.  I don't know if I could have done it all without their awesome support.  They really got me through.  I asked for more ice chips and was crunching those down like they were going out of style and worked on my breathing.  I was taking short naps, and took two walks around through my stay.  It hurt so bad to get up out of bed, and going to the bathroom was such a chore with that gown going all which way, and my right middle finger had that monitor on it, so I was afraid it would get all gross during personal care.  Ugh.  

Overall while the day felt like it was dragging I took many naps, drank about 9oz of water through 10 hours, but ate about 1.5 cups of crushed ice as well.  They emptied my drains a couple times, and got me everything I wanted and needed.  I felt so much better when I was able to put my own underwear back on. LOL.  They kept saying I did so great, and was basically a model patient.  They even told me as I was leaving to come back in a year and see them so they could see the new me. LOL. As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm walking in place because I'm also paranoid about blood clots.  I won't have my next Levanox injection until after I pick them up between appointments so I'll be taking them with me to the doctors office so they can show me what to do.  I was totally out of it when they gave me the shot post-op yesterday. 

Today I'm not able to have anything to drink until after my esophagram (swallow test with barium to make sure my new stomach doesn't have any leaks).  After that, I have a follow up with my surgeon's office to have my drain removed.  I'm really paranoid they are going to find a leak and I'm not sure what that means will have to happen other than they go back in and fix it which means another surgery that will totally be out of pocket.  Fingers crossed I don't have to deal with that.  Ever.

So that's what the last 36 or so hours have looked like for me.  Now I'm going to get up and walk around a little since they said today I need to be walking as much as I can to help continue to get the gas pains out and avoid blood clots.  I'll have another post up in a day or three to continue the story of surgery week.  Peace!

Surgery is NEXT WEEK!

This is it.  I'm having my surgery next week.  It's been rough being on this liquid diet for...the 17th day now.  7 days previous to that I was on 2/3 liquids and 1/3 food.  So I feel like I've been doing this FOREVER.  I'm down just over 29 pounds though since my appointment with the surgeons office and I am sure they will be pleased with that progress. 

On Monday I'll be sending my boy off to school then heading to Coos Bay with my husband to take care of my hospital pre-op appointment and my pre-op appointment with my surgeon's office.  After that, I'll get hubby some lunch, check in to my Airbnb, and then send him home and wait for my parents to arrive.  My husband will be going back home for work and to take care of our son for the week while I have surgery and some gentle recovery.  My parents are very excited for me, and excited to be able to come up and take care of me while getting some time in a new town to relax.  I'm looking forward to snuggling their little therapy dog while I recover. 

Tuesday is the big day.  I'll get my check-in time on Monday and after midnight can't have any "food" or drink at all.  I say "food" because why in the hell would I eat something the night before surgery if I've been on freaking liquids for 3 solid weeks to prepare.  You'd be surprised I guess! Well, that's not going to happen to me.  I'm following the rules.  My 3 cheats since I started liquid diet: I ate one bite of egg salad about 2 weeks ago and it was GROSS, I ate a bite of mashed potatoes, and I skimmed some chili broth off the pot of delicious chili I made for the boys.  That's it.  Aside from that it's been pudding and skim milk and broths and jello and protein shakes and I'm so sick of all of it.  I really, really, really want to fill my belly to bursting with cheese pizza.  But I'm not going to.  Why? Because I want to be SUCCESSFUL.  I have 1 more day of work, then I'm off for 2 weeks plus Labor Day.  I'll be so ready to go back to work and start building up my sick and vacation time again after that.  I've depleted all of my paid time off for this.  The next 9 months or so until my 40th birthday will have minimal time off (which really blows) because I need to save up for my big 40th birthday trip to Hawaii that I've been planning on for about 10 years.  I want to take my family, best friend and her kiddo, and maybe my parents if they want to come.  I want to spend about 8 days and 7 nights there playing on the beaches, exploring jungles, etc.  I want us to take a Segway adventure because even though it's kind of dorky, it's going to be super fun.  I want to go ziplining, scuba diving, and maybe, if I can build up my bravery, go Parasailing. Definitely stand-up paddle boarding.  Definitely ziplining.  Yes. 

My first BIG goal is to be down at least 100 pounds by my 40th birthday.  Based on what I've seen in others' accounts that is totally realistic if I stick to the plan.  A part of me mourns the fact that I will have a stomach the size of a half cup when traveling to the islands, however, I have a feeling me not being able to eat like I used to is going to save us some BIG $$$.

My first mini goal after surgery is to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.  Something tells me I'm going to kick that goals ass.  That would mean I'd probably be closer to 150 down by my birthday and that would be SO AWESOME.  I need to be under 260 to Segway, and the farther below that number the better.   My ultimate perfect goal is 175, but 200 is my more realistic goal, and I would be fine around 225.  Hoping that by my 45th birthday I'm in super good shape, and can then have all the skin removal surgery for my tummy, thighs, arms, and have a breast lift too. They are already deflated melons...I have a good idea of just how much flatter and deflated they are going to be after surgery.

It's happening!

I'm doing it!  I'm having Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy at the end of this month!  I got brave and made the phone call and made this happen.  I DID IT! I called the Bariatric surgeon's office that I wanted to go through and made the appointment.  I was considered a good candidate due to my high BMI (60) and lack of too many comorbidities (pre-diabetic and slightly elevated blood pressure) so they put me on the schedule for the nutrition counseling, psychiatric consult, and surgical consult.  All of these I had to pay for out of pocket as my insurance doesn't cover it.  I also had bloodwork and an EKG performed.  I took a day off from work and did all of this in a single day...

On August 27 I drove myself to Coos Bay, OR to have all my consultations.  It was early.  It even rained a bit on my way there.  I was so excited and nervous all at the same time!  I got out there, found the office, and parked.  And then waited.  I had a pep-talk with myself about why I was there, and what I was hoping to accomplish.  I told myself I'd be honest about anything and everything they asked, and I wouldn't make a scene and cry if they told me I wasn't a good candidate.  I gathered my thoughts and headed inside to check-in.  I checked in to the medical center just like any other doctor appointment and then headed to the Bariatric office. 

I walked through the clear glass double doors and walked in to the fanciest doctors office I've ever seen.  It was like something you'd see in Beverly Hills: marble, tile, fancy lights, and very chic.  I checked in at the counter and they had me pay for my nutrition class right then.  I took a seat and chatted with my neighbor for a bit.  She was there for all the same stuff as me...the only difference is I had about 200 pounds on her (at least). 

They called us back and there were three of us: myself, a guy who was a quite a bit larger than myself, and my friend from the lobby.  The guy's elderly parents were there and probably for good reason. Sounds like they may have been enabling him and needed to really hear about how much his life is going to change.  We ran through the nutrition stuff, which included talking about how our eating habits were going to change, discussing our pre-op diet requirements, what to expect before and after surgery, and how great our life is going to change with the hard work.  They told us they wanted us to follow a 2 week pre-operative diet that basically consists of protein shakes, broths, sugar free jello, sugar free pudding, half a yogurt per day, and diet non-carbonated drinks.  We were all given goodie bags that included plenty of samples of different types of protein drinks, protein soups, mints, lip balm, a food measurer, and a binder that had all of our surgical information in it.  The binder is like my bible right now.  Everything regarding this surgery is in there.  Pre-op.  Day of Surgery.  Post-op.  Lifestyle changes.  Behavior modification.  Shopping lists.  Meal ideas.  It's exactly the type of thing I was hoping we would be given. 

Right after the nutrition class, I had my psych consult.  I was actually quite nervous about this one with my history of OCD and Anxiety.  The psychiatrist was this little old lady that was just super freaking adorable, and super incredibly kind and easygoing.  I knew halfway through that she was going to approve me since I've been under ongoing care of a therapist and wasn't suicidal or anorexic or bulimic.  She asked loads of questions, awkward at times, but thorough.  She told me before I left that she was approving me and wished me luck on my journey.  Off to the next appointment. 

After the psych consult, I had a bit of time before my surgical consult so I went and had my bloodwork and EKG completed.  These tests were on two separate floors but it was super easy.  Blood draws have never been an issue for me and I knew that I've always had normal EKG's so I wasn't expecting a surprise.  I got those done and they handed me my results in the moment and sent me back to the surgeon's office for my visit with him. 

Back through the glass doors into the Beverly Hills-style lobby.  I handed them my folder, and took a seat while I waited to be called back.  Shortly after that, I was called back by the same person who did my nutrition class that morning.  I had a brief one on one with her and asked her a few questions.  I brought up the fact that since I was a cash-pay patient, I haven't had to follow a long term insurance-required plan prior to surgery and asked if she thought it would be good for me to tack on an extra week for the pre-op diet.  She said, "I'd like you to start tomorrow".  She told me that she wanted me to follow a modified liquid diet for the first week which meant protein shakes during the day for breakfast and lunch, and a dinner of protein and vegetables.  Then the next three weeks after that leading to surgery were going to be the actual clear liquid diet.  After we went over that she had the surgeon come in who did a basic exam and asked me some questions.  We briefly chatted about how while the surgery is one with minor complication rates, there is still risk as it's still a surgery.  But he assured me the benefits to me far outweigh the risk and said we would definitely be moving forward with surgery.  He approved my requested surgery date: September 25, 2018.  I sat with the schedulers and got on the books and they told me they would send me a packet with my pre- and post-op appointments as well as my SIX prescriptions, and that I was good to go. 

Once I was done with that, I was starving.  It was about 2:30pm and I hadn't yet eaten lunch so I left the medical center and headed straight for the golden arches.  I immediately started feeling sad about how I was going to have to say goodbye to all of these terrible comfort foods I had been relying on for so many years of my life.  I grabbed some lunch and hit the road back to home, thinking about my surgery all the way there.  This is going to be such a huge life change for me.  But it's going to be for the best.  I'm so ready.  I want this so bad.  I want to be able to live life the way I want to.  Free.  Free of this excess weight. 

WLS: VSG

I can't deal with dieting any more.  I want to eat to nourish my body, not because I have nothing better to do and can't handle my emotions. I want to go on a walk instead of eat when I'm angry.  Or lift weights, or clean house or any number of other things aside from "angry eat". At the end of next month I'm going to have a pre-operative consultation with a bariatric surgeon, psychiatrist, and a nutritionist... yes, I've decided to have weight loss surgery.

About 5 months ago I left my job for another position elsewhere which means I had access to my retirement money.  I decided this was my one chance to get the surgery and be able to NOT go into debt to do it.  My husband agreed and at a friends referral, I found a hospital about 2 hours from my house that offers a great self-pay deal (and she used him too and said he was great and that she has never been happier due to her having weight loss surgery).  They have a VERY affordable option for Gastric Sleeve (or VSG, or Sleeve Gastrectomy) and it fits my budget.  I'll take a HUGE hit at tax time, but hoping I can claim some of the cost as a medical deduction to help ease that hit. 

Anyways, I would have the surgery as soon as possible but I am still on probation at work until mid-August.  So my consult day will be at the end of August, and hope to have surgery by the end of the following month so I can give ample notice and be fully prepared.  On the DL though, I've been feeling like come my review they are going to tell me they don't want to keep me in which case I'll push everything up and do it ASAP since I won't have to worry about medical leave, etc. 

I'm terrified about the unknowns, like will I wake up, or what if I have horrible complications, or at the very worst, die???  But at the same time, I know that if I did I won't care, and if I don't I may end up having a damn heart attack at any time because of this weight I'm carrying.  Things have gotten really bad for me the last 15-25 pounds... it's harder to take care of my monthly visitor (sorry for the TMI) and I feel every single pound of this weight burdened on me.  I am so looking forward to losing the first 50 pounds because I know how much better I'm going to feel and how much more energetic I'll be and then I'll be able to really move more and do more which will help me with my weight loss.

Of course I'm also terrified of being a statistic in terms of ending up falling into my old ways and gaining all the weight back and totally undoing everything.  But I'm a cold-turkey kind of gal in that once I have surgery, I will NOT be eating any fast food and that kind of bullshit.  I'm not going to ruin this.  No sir.  After spending my retirement on getting this done, going through all the stress of having a major surgery in which 85% of my stomach is cut out of my body, there is no damn way I'm going to allow myself to fuck it up.

I'm so ready to be doing a restrictive pre-op diet.  I'm fully prepared for my meals to be teeny tiny portions.  I'm ready to not feel like a beach and bloated dead whale. 

I really want to pick up my journey on this blog again.  I hope to keep track of everything here.  I need to blog more and get my feelings and fears out there again.  I'm ready to put myself at the front of the line and take better care of me.