Feeling too fat to fly...

I'm struggling right now, big time.  My husband's family want to take us on a trip to Disneyland at the end of June, but I'm feeling about 65 pounds too fat to fly.  I haven't been on a plane since I weighed about 100 pounds less than I do now.  Like, seriously have anxiety.  I remember Kevin Smith being kicked off a plane because they said he weighed too much, and quite frankly, I'm thinking that he was a bit smaller than I am now.  

My husband doesn't understand, and just finally explaining my anxiety to him, almost killed me.  He's quick to brush it off too, "the kid can sit between us, and that will allow more room".  He has no idea that planes can require you to buy an extra seat.  That right there folks...that would kill me.  I do NOT want my family to have to deal with that.  I remember the last time I flew was not that comfortable as it was...and again, I was 100 or so pounds less than I am now.  It's ridiculous.  I know that I allowed myself to get this way, but I'm trying to fix it and lose the weight.  But it's a slow process, and quite frankly, I don't see myself losing 100 pounds in just under 5 months, but I guess I could probably aim for the 65.  Let's see, that's just under 10 pounds a week.  Yeah, that's not going to happen.  

I've already started reading forum's about obesity and flying and it sounds like maybe just a seat belt extender is all I need.  I'm hoping...Either way, this is exactly the motivation I need to work my ass off.  Serious.  Fuck the ice cream, and candy, etc.  Fried foods?  HELL FUCKING NO.  Brewfest and wine tasting (both on my 52 things list) may be out too, since alcohol makes me want to eat everything.  NO more fast food.  At all.  NOT HAPPENING.  Shit, I need to give up bread too.  Keep up the workouts...lots more time on the elliptical, exercise bike, and treadmill time.  Gotta start getting prepared for the walking and standing.  Standing I can practice at work.  I'll aim for trying to stand the full day at work, working my way there.  I can type and talk standing up, so that's not that bad...Doing it in flats is another story, though most of the time I can kick off my shoes and stand in bare feet.  I'm hoping that I can do this...but I'm fucking scared.

How much have I loved?

Probably not enough.

When I was a teenager, I loved.  A lot.  When I was young, I loved my father like no other.  He was my world.  I was such a Daddy's girl.  

When I got older, and started to love others outside of my family, I was the type of person that would journal about it for pages and pages; or would listen to music and cry about it.  

As I became a young adult, my type of love changed...became not just love, but the will to do everything and anything in my power to make that ONE person happy.  

Then as I became an adult, and started a monogamous relationship with my husband, love turned into routine.  It was home base.  It was where we turned.

When my son was born, he became love.  As hard as it is to say it, my love totally was directed at him, and that was it.  He is my world.  I waited a long time for him, and sometimes, when I look at him, my heart is so filled with love, it spills out of my eyes.

The question is, "how much have I loved?"

The answer is, "I can always love more."

I want to make it a point to love MORE.  I want people to know how much I love them.  This is going to take work.  This means mending relationships that have been broken for a long time.  This means making the effort to say those three words, and say it in a way that expresses that it's sincere.  Too often we say it at our house as a routine message, "I love you".  We say it as we hang up the phone, as I drop off my son, as my husband leaves for work, and we go to bed.  It's infrequent that we say it while actually looking each other in the eye, and focusing on the words that are being said.  

I want to make it a point to learn to love BETTER.

Love more.

Love.

I'm back in the game!

Well, I am back in the game, and I couldn't feel better about it!

 

I've been at it since Monday, okay, it's been less than a week, I know, but I'm down 4 pounds since Monday morning.  There are a few variables at place here:

 

-I've been working out each day after work, either stationary bike at home, or treadmill for 45 minutes at the gym

 

-Not eating anything but a small snack about an hour after dinner, then about 2 liters of water each evening

 

-Also making healther food choices...my whole family is trying to convert.  I haven't had fast food in over a week and that makes a big difference too

 

-No coffee after I leave the house at all, however, there will be a Friday exception as that is the day we have meetings at work, and I get to go in a little later...it's my Starbies fix for the week!

 

-Green tea throughout the day at work...usually 2-3 large mugs of hot water with a single tea bag...I can't have too much caffeine or I'll burst!

 

-Ooh!  This is a big one!  I've been doing green smoothies every day this week, and I'm hooked.  I use about 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk, 2 cups of fresh spinach (okay, just a huge handful, because who the hell measures spinach?), about a cup of frozen berries, sometimes a banana, and a scoop of Premier Protein vanilla protein powder.  This is fab, and I'm not deviating from this during the week.  On the weekends I'll be eating eggs and toast with the family, but during the week, this helps me immensely.  Maybe on the weekends I'll make the smoothie my lunch.

 

-Also, I've been eating smaller healthier lunches.  I've been bringing PB&J on Dave's Killer Bread.  Using all natural Peanut Butter (Adams), and natural Smuckers Orange Marmalade (so delicious!), and usually a string cheese or something with it.

 

 

So now, at the beginning of the 4th day, I'm already feeling more energetic, happier, more motivated, and in control.  I'm down 4 pounds as of this morning too!  

Time to get busy!

A friend of mine from work told me today she's doing the wall sit challenge.  Feeling inspired I jumped in on day 4 this morning=40 second wall sit.  O. M. G.  That is so freaking hard.  I was shaking!!!  My legs, almost 2 hours later, still feel wobbly.  This is going to kick my butt so hard!  Way harder than the squat challenge, already.  I'm excited.  It might just be the motivation I need to get myself back in the game!  The monthly meanie came on Thursday, so my new year has been off to a rocky, brutal, hormonal start, but today I'm making the change.  I really need to focus on getting myself back together again, as I have plans to do another 5k in March again, and doing a 5 mile late Spring again as well!  Both of those were fun, but hard, and it would be awesome to do them again, but have a little less difficulty.

Over the last year I lost 40 pounds, but kept off about 30.  I am starting the new year, recalculating my starting weight and new weight loss goal on MyFitnessPal.  I'm not sure I'm ready to track my food yet.  Right now I'm just using it to track my weigh-ins.  I really don't need MyFitnessPal to do that, as I also use another app specifically for weigh-ins called WeightBot.  I really like it since I don't have to sign up for anything, start accounts, etc.  It's really easy to use, you can set a goal and monitor your weigh ins.  In fact, I think I'm going to give up MyFitnessPal entirely.  I want to learn to eat healthier, and not have to write down everything I put into my mouth.  I just need to get back to making better choices.  I know full well what I should and shouldn't eat and how much and when.  I don't need the app to do that.  It's an awesome program, and I love it, but there's no point in me keeping it looking at me in the face, when I really just feel guilty for not using it.  I delete it, I don't have to feel guilty.  I just use my WeightBot, and call it even.  I won't be able to track it on my blog, but nobody reads this anyways...LOL.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I can focus on doing me.  I'm going to aim for less sweets, and moving this body.  I have a solid schedule of treadmill at the gym this week. I recently read I should just avoid the elliptical because it doesn't mimic natural movement, and its much easier to slack off on an elliptical rather than a treadmill.  I want to do everything I can to be prepared for the 5ks.

Okay, off to start my day!