I can't deal with dieting any more. I want to eat to nourish my body, not because I have nothing better to do and can't handle my emotions. I want to go on a walk instead of eat when I'm angry. Or lift weights, or clean house or any number of other things aside from "angry eat". At the end of next month I'm going to have a pre-operative consultation with a bariatric surgeon, psychiatrist, and a nutritionist... yes, I've decided to have weight loss surgery.
About 5 months ago I left my job for another position elsewhere which means I had access to my retirement money. I decided this was my one chance to get the surgery and be able to NOT go into debt to do it. My husband agreed and at a friends referral, I found a hospital about 2 hours from my house that offers a great self-pay deal (and she used him too and said he was great and that she has never been happier due to her having weight loss surgery). They have a VERY affordable option for Gastric Sleeve (or VSG, or Sleeve Gastrectomy) and it fits my budget. I'll take a HUGE hit at tax time, but hoping I can claim some of the cost as a medical deduction to help ease that hit.
Anyways, I would have the surgery as soon as possible but I am still on probation at work until mid-August. So my consult day will be at the end of August, and hope to have surgery by the end of the following month so I can give ample notice and be fully prepared. On the DL though, I've been feeling like come my review they are going to tell me they don't want to keep me in which case I'll push everything up and do it ASAP since I won't have to worry about medical leave, etc.
I'm terrified about the unknowns, like will I wake up, or what if I have horrible complications, or at the very worst, die??? But at the same time, I know that if I did I won't care, and if I don't I may end up having a damn heart attack at any time because of this weight I'm carrying. Things have gotten really bad for me the last 15-25 pounds... it's harder to take care of my monthly visitor (sorry for the TMI) and I feel every single pound of this weight burdened on me. I am so looking forward to losing the first 50 pounds because I know how much better I'm going to feel and how much more energetic I'll be and then I'll be able to really move more and do more which will help me with my weight loss.
Of course I'm also terrified of being a statistic in terms of ending up falling into my old ways and gaining all the weight back and totally undoing everything. But I'm a cold-turkey kind of gal in that once I have surgery, I will NOT be eating any fast food and that kind of bullshit. I'm not going to ruin this. No sir. After spending my retirement on getting this done, going through all the stress of having a major surgery in which 85% of my stomach is cut out of my body, there is no damn way I'm going to allow myself to fuck it up.
I'm so ready to be doing a restrictive pre-op diet. I'm fully prepared for my meals to be teeny tiny portions. I'm ready to not feel like a beach and bloated dead whale.
I really want to pick up my journey on this blog again. I hope to keep track of everything here. I need to blog more and get my feelings and fears out there again. I'm ready to put myself at the front of the line and take better care of me.
