Checking In

For the first time since 2004 I weigh less than 300 pounds.  For some this might seem like a ridiculous thing to celebrate, however for me, it's huge.  Literally.  I've lost 115.something pounds and I'm still losing.  It's definitely slowed to about 15 pounds a month, which still works for me because it didn't all pile on overnight, and it won't all fall off overnight.  Slow and steady wins the race.

It's not been easy.  But it's not been super hard either.  I would say the biggest way to describe it is that it's all about constantly working on habits.  If you don't exercise, you have to make it a habit.  If you are an emotional eater, you have to make it a habit to find something else to do to work through emotions.  If you eat just because you see food, you have to make it a habit to control yourself.  And we ALL know habits are a HARD thing to deal with.

This year I didn't set any new years' resolutions.  The reason I didn't do that is because I almost never stick with them and then I feel guilty.  Then I end up falling off the wagon.  I bought a gym membership in December because it was such a good deal, but haven't been once yet.  I'm busy.  I walk a LOT more than I have in years.  But it's there when I want to use it and I like that option.  The big deal here is that I'm not setting myself up for failure.  I'm setting myself up to succeed.  Previous years I would say, "this year I'm working out three times a week!" and then not do it, fall into a pit of guilt, and eat until I gained another five to ten pounds.  Not happening anymore.  This year I just told myself I'm going to live life.  I'm going to keep learning how to eat healthier (I'm not perfect, you'll read about this shortly), have more experiences.  DO MORE THINGS.

I've started to find a pattern with my eating that probably isn't the best, but I've noticed it, and I'm working with it.  What I've found is that I either like liquids and super mushy foods like protein shakes and mashed potatoes, or I like really crunchy things like pork rinds.  Just about everything in the middle of that makes me kind of queasy and grosses me out.  I've tried all kinds of things but it's a struggle.  Recently in one of my surgery groups, someone who had surgery around the same as I mentioned that she had gone back to her post-op liquid diet (I had to do this for a month before and after surgery and never thought I would want to do that again) and I thought it was genius.  I mean, I was meeting my protein and liquid goals, wasn't nauseous anytime I ate, and was never craving a snack.  So I'm not going to force myself to eat solid foods just because everyone else is doing it. Also, I think I'm addicted to pork rinds and that scares the hell out of me.  So I'm not buying them anymore, and if I want a crunchy salty snack, it will be a bag of protein chips from the weight loss store.  I try to get in 3 protein shakes a day plus greek yogurt or a protein hot chocolate so I'm getting about 100 grams of protein a day, but I know that next week the surgeon will tell me to try pushing past that.  At least that's what he told me last time.  I'm seeing the other doctor that assisted with my surgery so we will see what she says.  I have some macro-specific questions for her.  I have no clue where my macros should be in regards to calories, carbs, and fat.  I just aim for 100g protein a day and I'm winging the rest.  I don't like winging it.  Though I'm sure I'm doing okay as the doctor told me he wanted me to lose 30 pounds by this next appointment and by the time I get there it will be close to 50 pounds.  So I know I'm doing well.

It's amazing to me to think there is a very real possibility that I will be down to 250 pounds (or less) by my 40th birthday. I haven't been 250 pounds since 2000.  When my husband and I first got together, I was at about 210.  I remember he had told me that he told his ex-wife that he wouldn't be with her if she was over 200 pounds.  I was heartbroken.  But we stayed together, and in that first year I gained about 85-100 pounds.  No joke.  I had gone from walking EVERYWHERE because I didn't have a car, to getting a ride everywhere and eating fast food up to 3 times a day!  How gross!  So the weight piled on fast.  I remember seeing a picture of myself that literally killed my soul.  All I could see was that I had gotten such a big belly when I gained the weight that I looked pregnant.  So gross.  It didn't help that this was also around my 21st birthday, so I was also drinking tons too.  Lots of calories and crappy food surrounding that.  Each year after that I basically gained 20-50 pounds a year after that.  In 2013 I went on a weight loss journey and ended up losing 65-ish pounds just by calorie counting with MyFitnessPal.  The lowest weight I got to when I did that was 323 pounds, and that was lost in about a 6 month period.  I was feeling really good, but then fell off the wagon and gained it all back plus another 30-40 pounds.  So yucky.  It feels so good to be past that part of my life and moving into a new, more active, phase.  It's depressing as hell that I'm going to be 40 this year, when my psyche is forever 15 years old.  I want to hang out with my friends in the front yard drinking beers, breaking into the golf course at night to party, and listen to metal in my friends garage while we pierce each other.  LOL.  Gosh those were the good old days.  I miss them SO MUCH.

I set a big goal for myself this year.  I am doing the 2 mile Truffle Shuffle walk in a week to set the pace for myself.  Then I plan on trying to do a 5k event every month for the rest of the year.  I had set that goal for myself in 2013 and did a few events, however, I was also not following a super healthy diet, not taking my vitamins, and ended up coming in last all the time.  I don't think that will happen this time.  I am taking 3 flights of stairs at work 1-2 times a day now for exercise, plus I'm walking on breaks, and making sure to take the long way to the bathroom as much as I can so that I can get as many steps in as possible per day.  I'm not a huge fan of walking, but I want to do this for myself because it's good exercise and I'm competitive.  I really want to get to where I can jog half of the 5k at least.  And NOT come in last anymore.  It's a tall order, but I have the gumption to do it.  Especially because I'm not dieting anymore. This is my new life.  This is the new me.  In just a few short months I'll be buying myself a new kayak to prepare for all the time I'm going to be spending on the water.  I'm so excited to do it.  I want to buy my kid one too, but he's terrified of the water for some reason.  But I know he will do it if I do because I've sat on the sidelines for so many years of his life that he will take any opportunity he has to spend time with me and do activities.  I feel so guilty for being such an absent mother.  I was there, but wasn't.  I've never ridden a roller coaster with him.  I couldn't ever fit.  I'm hoping to change that this year.  I've never done any fun water sports, because I was always too big.  I'm hoping to change that this year.  I've never tried kayaking or canoeing.  I'm changing that this year.  I've never tried snowboarding or skiing.  Next winter, it's happening for sure (I want to be a little smaller so I can find snow clothes that fit me and that I won't immediately shrink out of).

Lots of things to come.  Lots of wins right now.  I'm feeling good.  I love this.