Falling off the Wagon on Vacations...

As I sit here and type this, it's the 10th day I've been off the wagon.  I haven't been tracking anything, I've been eating whatever I want, and quite frankly, I've gained about 7 pounds back from where I was last Friday.  I had weighed in last Friday and knew it wasn't going to be the best weigh in I had had, but I still lost weight.  Just two days ago I weighed in and I was up 5.4 from the previous week.  

I have no doubts, questions, or anything with this, since I knew that it was going to happen.  I didn't follow plan at all, I was on vacation, and quite frankly, I did whatever I felt like during that time.  I know that I could have made healthier decisions, but somehow, I still didn't eat at half of the places that I usually do when I visit California (read: In-and-Out, Weinerschnitzel, Del Taco, etc.) that we don't have here.  Overall, I avoided those places entirely, but went to Joe's Crab Shack, Swabby's on the River, plus two or three other places.  The only thing I ate from a McDonald's was a latte.  LOL.  I am not going to ever eat their food again.  Personal goal.

Anyways, so tomorrow I'm going to go back to what I was doing.  I'm considering doing a juice cleanse, or a 48 hour water fast just to get some of the junk out of my body that I put in it.  I can't do this again.  I am not one of those super lucky people that can eat whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like.  I really do need to stick to a specific eating schedule, and cannot eat specific foods.  I just can't.

Another huge reason I gained all that weight back in one week is because I didn't ride the exercise bike every night.  I have done some stuff this week to get some movement in, such as walking all over Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf during vacation, reaching the summit after a 1.4 mile hike straight up, then went on a hike on Saturday with my husband and son to this amazing place where we were actually above the clouds.  It felt so good to do that.  The 1.4 mile hike wasn't as bad, though I was sweating, heart pounding, and it took 2 hours to get to the top.  But my hike this past Saturday was a bit worse as I had been eating bad all week, getting no real exercise or anything, nor following plan.  I want to go on a hike every week.  Every week!!!  I think I'm going to take my husband and son on a hike this coming Saturday that is 1.6 to the summit.  It will take a while, but they are patient, and I love them for that.

This week I have to get right back to it.  I know it's not going to be fun, but if I really hold myself accountable, and really track everything, and drink the water I should be drinking, combined with the Green Tea I should be drinking, and the vitamins I should be taking, I know I have a chance of getting most of the weight back of.  My monthly friend is getting close too, so that's essentially an uphill battle right there.  I need to keep doing this.  I can't let this week ruin all the hard work I have done.  It was a BIG step backwards for sure, but I'm going to make a BIG jump forward to a better me.

I reached the summit!

2 hour hike uphill.

I finally broke past 25 pounds!

25.8

I finally made it over a hurdle I've been struggling with for the last few weeks: making it past the 25 pound mark.  Every week I have lost weight, except for two.  I maintained one, and gained .2 in another.  All the rest of the weeks have been losses of .5 to 2 pounds.  I have been incredibly hard on myself each week, when even though I lose weight, it's not what I expected.  I knew it to be self sabotage.  I knew I was not eating the right foods, and being bad on the weekends, and even during the week at points.  So I knew every time why my weight loss wasn't more each week when I stood on the scale, and that was driving me crazy too.  

Lately I've been really trying to sit back and think about the reasons I eat.  Emotions are my number one reason, and the biggest one is guilt.  I think that is why the last few weeks has been so bad, because I have been so guilty for cheating.  Then stalling my weight loss.  I am learning to identify these behaviors more, and now I'm working on stopping them in their tracks before they get the best of me.

I can't begin to tell you how elated I am for finally reaching past 25 pounds.  In all of my weight loss attempts as an adult, I can tell you I have never made it past 25 pounds...ever.  I usually get to about 25 pounds lost, then end up running the other direction.  Both out of fear and also because I tell myself that I did it, now I can  do whatever I want because I have control.  I can tell you one thing, none of the other times that I attempted to lose weight have I felt as motivated almost three months down the line, and I can also tell you, that I have never in my adult life, wanted to lose the weight as bad as I do now.  It's like a game I'm playing.  How can I beat each level? Each level is 25 pounds.  I earn points by being active, I lose points by eating bad.  Makes sense right?  Just like Mary Poppins made cleaning up a game by singing. LOL!  This time it's felt different from the beginning.  I always see stuff on TV, and read online about obese people who finally hit that rock bottom point, then go on to lose all the weight and change their lives...I think I've finally got to that point, but without some terrible defining moment.  This time I actually want to do it.  While I still have major setbacks, I'm learning to change my relationship with food.  I'm learning that it's not a life preserver.  It's not a tranquilizer.  And it's not there to silence me.  Food exists to keep me alive.  That's the only reason I need to eat.  And if I'm going to eat, it should be food that is actually good for me rather than just give me a "buzz".    

I have to say that I have never felt as supported in this journey as much as I do lately.  My husband and son have been super awesome.  They both support me, they are both proud of me, and I can tell you, that feels amazing!  My family has been very supportive by reading my blogs, sending me words of encouragement, and loving me no matter how down I get.  My friends, both from work, and outside of work have been encouraging me as well.  Even new friends that I have made in the last few months are totally encouraging me and cheering me on!  It makes me feel good to know that people care about me enough to want to cheer me on in this journey!  

I hope you will continue to follow this journey.  I have a loooooong way to go still, but I intend on making it the most fun that I can, to try as many new things as I can, and aim for a long and healthy life!

What am I hungry for?

What am I hungry for?

A question most of us ask ourselves quite often, right?  However, in respect to someone who is obese, this doesn't necessarily mean food.  It can mean one is hungry for love, validation, comfort, or respect.  

It can mean one is lonely, and needs a companion that won't judge, is always there, and will never turn it's back on you.  There have been many times I have eaten because I was alone.  This started years and years ago.  I remember when I had my first apartment, I lived alone, and didn't have people hang out at my place often.  When I was off work, I'd frequently order a large pizza delivered, and I'd gorge on it, since I didn't have anything else to do.  Or on my way home from work I'd stop at Carls Jr. and buy a large combo meal, with a couple extra items like fried zucchini and a baked potato, and I'd just go home and eat for a couple of hours.  

It can mean one is sad, and simply wants a "fix" to help ease the pain they are in.  We've all seen this on TV, read about it in books, and have probably taken part in this type of scenario at least once.  The woman, just dumped by her boyfriend, sitting in bed watching TV eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  I know that I have often felt sad about losing someone or even when I lost a job, food was my go-to band aid.  It wasn't going to fire me.  It wasn't going to die.  It wasn't going to leave me.  It was always there for me.  It still is.  

Sometimes people eat because they are afraid.  An example of this is a party type situation.  There's a buffet with a ton of food.  However, you don't really know anyone and are not the type to run out and start shaking hands.  So why not hover by the buffet eating a little of this, or a little of that, until you've eaten tons of this and tons of that, and possibly missed out on making some amazing social or business connections.  

One of my biggest hurdles is eating because I'm bored.  I have done this since I was a kid.  I'd be in tears because I was so bored, then go find something to eat.  I have done it my entire life and still find myself standing in front of the refrigerator or the cupboards at times trying to find something to eat because I simply can't find something else to do.  For some reason I lack the drive to be constantly doing something so I get restless and bored.  This isn't exactly like eating because I'm lonely or sad or anything.  However, now that I'm growing up and learning to control myself around food, I'm pretty sure that this "boredom" is me eating for another reason (sadness, loneliness, anxiety, etc.).  I've heard time and again I should journal my feelings when I think I'm hungry so that I can learn if I really am hungry for food, or something else.  I can't seem to do that on a consistent basis, but I have to make it a point to get past the go to reason of, "I'm bored".

So why do I keep eating this way?

Quite "simply", I'm addicted to food.  Throughout my life I've bounced from one addiction to the next, and for the last 13 years especially, my main addiction has been food.  It got much worse when I quit smoking cigarettes. My first addiction was chewing my nails, and I did that up until I was about 18 and finally was able to break the habit.  By then I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and fast food.  As the years wore on my addictions stayed with me.  When my husband and I got together, we started eating fast food consistently on a daily basis sometimes two times a day.  I gained a lot of weight fast (probably 60-90 pounds in the first year we were together).  Before I was dating him, I walked everywhere, so this new change of having a car to ride in everywhere plus eating fast food twice a day almost every day took it's toll on me, and it did it fast.  Even after we bought our house we continued to eat unhealthy. I had an amazing snack cupboard, that people looked forward to "shopping" in when they visited.  I loved it.  Snack cakes, chips, cookies, granola bars, candy, sugary cereals....you name it. I've tried over the years to eliminate it, and people have noticed. Cookies, chips, and pretty infrequently, snack cakes still make it into the cupboard. I'm getting better, but I would love to not have a snack cupboard at all.  Quite frankly, if it can be in a cupboard, it's probably too processed anyways and we shouldn't be eating it.  I want to get away from that junk.  Entirely.  I really want my family too as well.

Food equals pleasure to many of us.  We eat something savory, or sweet, and we get a little dopamine rush that makes us feel all happy and euphoric, right?  Think of that triple chocolate fudge brownie, or that ooey-gooey double cheeseburger with thick cut smoked bacon.  You get what I'm saying, right?  These go straight to our pleasure center and give us a brief "high".  Food addicts can't stop at that one little rush though.  They want it again and again, and often are trying to get back to that "high".  I feel that way when I eat a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonalds with a large french fries, large sweet tea, and a McChicken sandwich on the side.  That's an amazing amount of food directly to the pleasure center in my brain.  

When I go on a fast food binge, I feel that high; though directly after that blast of pleasure comes a huge bout of my favorite emotion....GUILT.

Guilt doesn't fuck around.  It's a bad motherfucker that messes with your mind in the worst of ways.  You end up with this huge weight on your shoulders, your mind, and your heart that you can't get rid of.  It drives you on a daily basis and everything in your soul is controlled by it.  I have guilt over so many things, but can't seem to move on from it.  My guilt compounds itself to the n'th degree, and drowns me in so many ways.  I feel like the guilt has completely dulled me over the years.  I've lost a lot of my enjoyment in life in a way.   I used to be up for almost anything, now the thought of being spontaneous gives me anxiety.

I think the guilt is going to be the hardest emotion I deal with through this journey, and once I learn to deal with it instead of letting it consume me, I'll be much more successful. Since I have so much I feel guilty about haunting me, I know it's going to be a slow and unpleasant process revisiting these issues and events, but I know that I have to work on this, or I'll never get this weight off and keep it off.  As long as I keep eating to hide those feelings, I'll end up eating myself to death.

I'm trying to learn to be more adventurous, and in my weight loss journey I plan to learn to do more than I have ever done before, such as kayaking, jogging/running, BMX biking, snowboarding, and someday I'd also like to paddle-board.  This requires me to lose the weight, and to learn to live again.  It's going to be a tough journey, but I know if I continue to fight, I can win.

Update to my 5K

Well folks, remember my horrific experience with my very first 5K?  I just noticed the results were posted on the website.  I came in dead last.  No, no, I knew that for sure!  However, the time they listed for me was 1 hr, 5 mins, 0 secs.  I came in about 4 minutes after that, but apparently that's the time they settled on since that's about the time they probably just figured they would give me to make nice.  Either way, I'm glad to see that I actually have my name on the results.  I have not ever heard back from them after I sent the email, which I think is extremely rude and makes me consider any other money, business, or time they get out of me.  I can tell you this...I'll probably never participate in this event ever again.  

I've pretty much gotten over the humility I felt when I finished and there wasn't anyone there except for my husband and son.  Who matters aside from them?  I know they support me in this journey, and each event I will participate in.  I'm getting so excited for the next one coming up on March 16!  Yes, I'm excited to do another 5K!  This one will be totally different, my friend Crystal is doing it with me, and I'm going to kick it's ass!

New post coming soon...a deep, makes you think type of post.  I hope you enjoy!