What am I hungry for?

What am I hungry for?

A question most of us ask ourselves quite often, right?  However, in respect to someone who is obese, this doesn't necessarily mean food.  It can mean one is hungry for love, validation, comfort, or respect.  

It can mean one is lonely, and needs a companion that won't judge, is always there, and will never turn it's back on you.  There have been many times I have eaten because I was alone.  This started years and years ago.  I remember when I had my first apartment, I lived alone, and didn't have people hang out at my place often.  When I was off work, I'd frequently order a large pizza delivered, and I'd gorge on it, since I didn't have anything else to do.  Or on my way home from work I'd stop at Carls Jr. and buy a large combo meal, with a couple extra items like fried zucchini and a baked potato, and I'd just go home and eat for a couple of hours.  

It can mean one is sad, and simply wants a "fix" to help ease the pain they are in.  We've all seen this on TV, read about it in books, and have probably taken part in this type of scenario at least once.  The woman, just dumped by her boyfriend, sitting in bed watching TV eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  I know that I have often felt sad about losing someone or even when I lost a job, food was my go-to band aid.  It wasn't going to fire me.  It wasn't going to die.  It wasn't going to leave me.  It was always there for me.  It still is.  

Sometimes people eat because they are afraid.  An example of this is a party type situation.  There's a buffet with a ton of food.  However, you don't really know anyone and are not the type to run out and start shaking hands.  So why not hover by the buffet eating a little of this, or a little of that, until you've eaten tons of this and tons of that, and possibly missed out on making some amazing social or business connections.  

One of my biggest hurdles is eating because I'm bored.  I have done this since I was a kid.  I'd be in tears because I was so bored, then go find something to eat.  I have done it my entire life and still find myself standing in front of the refrigerator or the cupboards at times trying to find something to eat because I simply can't find something else to do.  For some reason I lack the drive to be constantly doing something so I get restless and bored.  This isn't exactly like eating because I'm lonely or sad or anything.  However, now that I'm growing up and learning to control myself around food, I'm pretty sure that this "boredom" is me eating for another reason (sadness, loneliness, anxiety, etc.).  I've heard time and again I should journal my feelings when I think I'm hungry so that I can learn if I really am hungry for food, or something else.  I can't seem to do that on a consistent basis, but I have to make it a point to get past the go to reason of, "I'm bored".

So why do I keep eating this way?

Quite "simply", I'm addicted to food.  Throughout my life I've bounced from one addiction to the next, and for the last 13 years especially, my main addiction has been food.  It got much worse when I quit smoking cigarettes. My first addiction was chewing my nails, and I did that up until I was about 18 and finally was able to break the habit.  By then I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and fast food.  As the years wore on my addictions stayed with me.  When my husband and I got together, we started eating fast food consistently on a daily basis sometimes two times a day.  I gained a lot of weight fast (probably 60-90 pounds in the first year we were together).  Before I was dating him, I walked everywhere, so this new change of having a car to ride in everywhere plus eating fast food twice a day almost every day took it's toll on me, and it did it fast.  Even after we bought our house we continued to eat unhealthy. I had an amazing snack cupboard, that people looked forward to "shopping" in when they visited.  I loved it.  Snack cakes, chips, cookies, granola bars, candy, sugary cereals....you name it. I've tried over the years to eliminate it, and people have noticed. Cookies, chips, and pretty infrequently, snack cakes still make it into the cupboard. I'm getting better, but I would love to not have a snack cupboard at all.  Quite frankly, if it can be in a cupboard, it's probably too processed anyways and we shouldn't be eating it.  I want to get away from that junk.  Entirely.  I really want my family too as well.

Food equals pleasure to many of us.  We eat something savory, or sweet, and we get a little dopamine rush that makes us feel all happy and euphoric, right?  Think of that triple chocolate fudge brownie, or that ooey-gooey double cheeseburger with thick cut smoked bacon.  You get what I'm saying, right?  These go straight to our pleasure center and give us a brief "high".  Food addicts can't stop at that one little rush though.  They want it again and again, and often are trying to get back to that "high".  I feel that way when I eat a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonalds with a large french fries, large sweet tea, and a McChicken sandwich on the side.  That's an amazing amount of food directly to the pleasure center in my brain.  

When I go on a fast food binge, I feel that high; though directly after that blast of pleasure comes a huge bout of my favorite emotion....GUILT.

Guilt doesn't fuck around.  It's a bad motherfucker that messes with your mind in the worst of ways.  You end up with this huge weight on your shoulders, your mind, and your heart that you can't get rid of.  It drives you on a daily basis and everything in your soul is controlled by it.  I have guilt over so many things, but can't seem to move on from it.  My guilt compounds itself to the n'th degree, and drowns me in so many ways.  I feel like the guilt has completely dulled me over the years.  I've lost a lot of my enjoyment in life in a way.   I used to be up for almost anything, now the thought of being spontaneous gives me anxiety.

I think the guilt is going to be the hardest emotion I deal with through this journey, and once I learn to deal with it instead of letting it consume me, I'll be much more successful. Since I have so much I feel guilty about haunting me, I know it's going to be a slow and unpleasant process revisiting these issues and events, but I know that I have to work on this, or I'll never get this weight off and keep it off.  As long as I keep eating to hide those feelings, I'll end up eating myself to death.

I'm trying to learn to be more adventurous, and in my weight loss journey I plan to learn to do more than I have ever done before, such as kayaking, jogging/running, BMX biking, snowboarding, and someday I'd also like to paddle-board.  This requires me to lose the weight, and to learn to live again.  It's going to be a tough journey, but I know if I continue to fight, I can win.