Pretty much from the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed, food is at the forefront of my mind. I couldn't be more honest about this. It looks something like this:
As soon as I'm awake, I start thinking about what I'm going to have for breakfast. Then when I'm eating breakfast I'm thinking about my skinny (what a joke, right?) hot chocolate from Starbucks I'll get on my way to work. Then when I sit at my desk, I'm already starting to decide what I'm going to have for lunch (because most days anymore I'm buying my lunch out, which puts me in the poorhouse, but I have an addiction). Once I've eaten lunch, I'll be trying to decide if and when I'll have a sweet "snack" in the afternoon to hold me over until dinner...which I think about on and off most of the day because it's the first thing I have to take care of when I get home so I want to know exactly what I'm doing. While I'm making dinner, I'm making the boys' lunches for the next day and then thinking about my breakfast the next morning. After dinner is cleaned up and the lunches are made, I'll go relax in my chair and play on my phone, but I'll be thinking about a bowl of cereal or ice cream after everyone else is in bed.
That's a lot of thinking about food. A lot. Now, this doesn't include the added details of when I'm thinking about food. So when I'm thinking about my lunch, I'm thinking about how can I get the most bang for my buck. What is going to be the "biggest" lunch I can get for a reasonable price of approximately $9? Is it the chicken or the beef? Noodles or rice? Sandwich or burrito? Should I get the salad, but buy an avocado to add to it? When I'm making dinner, how can I doctor it up so it's most flavorful (which usually means has the most gravy, or cheese, etc.)?
I know it's not healthy. Shoot, I'm sitting here right now thinking about how I'll be going to lunch in 40 minutes, and I'm definitely hitting up the food truck for lunch. And I'm getting a big meal. And it's the 5th time this week I'll have eaten out for lunch, not including my morning Starbucks.
I'm trying to heal from this obsession with food. I've been noticing my binges while I'm binging, which is something I haven't done for 15 years...well, the noticing part. I've somehow grown complacent about my binging, and just do it without much of a thought. but now, after a heaping pile of chips and salsa, a handful of orange slice gummies, and a sandwich, I realize what I'm doing when I'm doing it. And I don't feel guilt about it anymore. It's who I am. But I don't want that to be me anymore. I used to hate myself for binging because I didn't even have the balls to purge it. I was to scared to become "that girl". Who was I kidding? I'm just as bad if not worse than her! I'M "that girl".
