4+ Weeks (I'm sorry I've disappeared!)

Tuesday, October 23 was my 4 week surgery anniversary!  I'd be lying if I said it's been a perfectly easy journey to this point.  It hasn't been the hardest though, either.  It's 98% a mental game for sure.  You see food, smell food, get offered food and you just want it.  Especially when you haven't had any solid food for over 6 weeks.  I'm so lucky (sarcasm) in that I get to sit next to the microwave at work.  So everyone's amazing smelling food just makes my mouth water.  People bring in treats that I would love to try, but I can't.  And for good reason.  I clearly don't need it.  I want it out of habit and addiction.  I'm spiraling here...

As of today, October 25, I'm down 63.5 pounds total since 8/28/2018.  I definitely feel like I'm 63.5 pounds lighter.  Before surgery I lost 33.3 pounds, and since surgery it's been 30.2 pounds.  So awesome.  I've experienced a couple small stalls (my body is constantly adjusting to this food deprivation and lack of caloric intake, so it's totally to be expected) but I get past them in 3-4 days or so.  I'm relatively patient.  It definitely still boggles my mind that I've had the surgery and when I think about where I'll be in say 6 weeks, I'll be looking at lost to another 20-25 pounds down by then.  By my 40th birthday next summer, I'm really hoping to be around 125 pounds down (from surgery weight).  

Here are some notable events that have happened in the last couple of weeks around my surgery:

• Just after my 2 week mark I had 2 teeth pulled.  That's been fun.  Luckily I was already on fluids so no big issues with chewing or anything.  They are close to healed. I'll be glad when the pockets close up a bit more.  No issues with them. 
• I've managed to start getting my vitamins in each day (most of them).  I haven't been able to get myself to take the Vitamin C since it's so sour and I already am dealing with sour stomach. But I'm getting in at least 1000mg of the calcium, my Vitamin D, and my multi.  Every other day I take the B12. 
• I went to dinner with a friend (Pho) and had some broth.  Was able to socialize and feel like a normal person.
• Have graduated to soft foods (actually a couple days early was given the ok to move forward) so I've been having 3 small meals a day of thinks like cottage cheese and deli turkey, lunch meat and soft cheese, beans and cheese with sour cream and salsa and guacamole. It's going OK, but my eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach.  I have a baby stomach again and not being able to get in more than 1 ounce or so is really hard.  I'm a normal person so I want more flavor, but too much flavor means too much food believe it or not. I still have to drink 2 protein shakes a day *gross* but I need to make sure I'm getting in at least 65 grams of protein a day.
• Was intimate with the hubster. Things worked just as they should. No pain.  No issues. It was fun!
• All of the glue has come off of all my incisions.  Almost all the scabs are gone.  My skin isn't itching as much from the tape from the drain.  I don't feel any nerve pain really.  Overall it's great.  The worst one is right above my belly button and annoys me because it his my pants all the time so that's annoying.  But I'm only a couple more weeks away from being released to regular lifting and being able to go into the hot tub or swimming pool.  

Truth be told though, I'm a bit behind on my walking.  I am struggling a little bit with getting all my walking in.  I need to buy my gym membership so I can start going and hitting the weights and the stair machine.  I also should doing the stairs at work.  I work in a building with 4 floors so there is no reason if it's raining why I can't go do stairs for 15 minutes or so.  My endurance is already so much better without that 63 pounds on me.  So I need to keep working on building my muscle and burning fat.  

Next week, on Halloween is my official first follow up appointment.  I'm hoping to hear things like how much they expect me to lose by my next visit (around February 2019), whether or not I'm meeting their expectations, is my blood work looking good (I'll not hear that until after I'm guessing), and how my diet may or may not progress. I haven't tried anything but soft food and am dying to know when I can have pickles, olives, and crunchy things.  I bought these awesome cheese crackers (literally crackers made from just cheese) and they are high protein and would be great with some tuna, chicken, or egg salad.  I have a whole list of questions to take with me and hope to get them all answered before I leave.  

To wrap this up, overall I think I've been a pretty good patient in recovery.  I've been going to therapy, and I feel good overall.  I haven't thrown up once, so far no issues from the surgery.  It's a huge learning curve.  Making sure that I keep in mind that from now on I'm eating to live, not living to eat (which is sooo hard because I'm totally a foodie!).  I know it's early in the journey for me, but I know that I have big goals to accomplish and being successful with my surgery, self-care, diet, and increasingly healthier lifestyle will all help me achieve those goals!

I made it to 2 weeks!

Well, the last two weeks have certainly flown by!  Yesterday was my two week "surgiversary" and I am feeling pretty good. I've had a few hiccups along the way like a three day bout of pain and indigestion after having some tortilla soup that was not on my approved list, and was thickened with potato.  My pouch was ANGRY at me for that.  After a couple of days I was out of pain, then started working on my fluids and protein again.  About that time I tried to convince myself I was dealing with a stricture, but it wasn't that.  I really think I've been dealing with some silent reflux.  My poor stomach is probably just super confused on why it hasn't seen food in 5 weeks, and why is a part of it missing.  The reflux, or GERD or whatever it is doesn't hurt per se, but it feels like everything is sitting in my throat or trying to come back up.  It's not super pleasant.  Yesterday I had some nausea, but no vomiting.  I just couldn't eat my soup, and didn't want water.  I had some peppermint tea as warm seems to sit a lot better than cold this last week.  The problem with the peppermint is that it also relaxes that muscle that keeps the acid out of the esophagus so while it helps it also doesn't at the same time.

As of this morning, I've lost just under 55 pounds since August 28.  I'm amazed.  I feel SO much better than I was feeling.  I totally don't get winded walking from one end of the office building to the other.  I feel like I can go farther.  I want to park at the farthest part of the parking lot, but also don't want to be soaking wet when I get to my desk, so I need to make sure to put my umbrella in my car.

I weigh myself every day.  I know some people don't think that's a good idea, but it's in the instruction manual I was given by my surgeon's office.  I think it helps you get a more accurate idea of what your weight is anyways.  Especially due to things like water weight gain during cycle, etc.  This will also be good to have for when I'm hitting a stall, or when I start eating pureed or soft foods as those will of course affect it in some way as well.  Overall, it's working for me and some days I have a bigger loss than others, and that is okay.  Big picture is the weight is coming off, and I've lost 21 pounds since surgery and think I'm right on track.  I've very excited to be weighed in at the surgeon's office on 10/31 because they will tell me if they think I'm doing a good job, etc.  I appreciate the feedback as it's motivating to me.

This morning I dealt with a super sour stomach.  I'm taking Pepcid twice a day and that doesn't seem to be helping lately.  I may call my surgeon's office and see what they say.  I'm allergic to Nexium so I don't want to risk being put on something like that. 

My incisions are about 70% healed.  Two of the five incisions have lost the glue cover on them and are fresh little pink scars.  I don't think they are going to be super visible unless of course they decide to keloid, as I'm prone to that.  My drain incision is healing a little differently since that wasn't glued shut after the drain was removed.  She just pulled it out and threw a couple little pieces of tape over it, which I later put a band-aid on.  That is a bit thicker scab, itches like freaking crazy.  As does the skin near it as I was allergic to the tape the nurse used to put the dressing on around the drain line.  Fun.  Hopefully that goes away soon.  It's not quite as bad, but still there.

I have not yet felt comfortable enough to try being intimate with my hubby.  Maybe TMI, but some people want to know about these things.  I am a bit afraid of pressure on my belly still as my pouch won't be fully healed for another month or so, and ripping my staples is a huge fear.  I was not given any restriction on this other than, " when I'm comfortable to do it".  I asked for a doctors note for 6 weeks. LOL.

People are starting to notice.  They are starting to see it.  I feel like I can see it in my face a bit, my neck, and my feet/ankles.  My pants all still fit the same, so I don't see much difference in my belly and waist.  I know that's going to be the last thing that shrinks down.  If I can get to a size 12/14 I'll be so freaking happy because then I can shop anywhere.  I know I'm going to have a lot of excess skin.  I've seen enough before/after pictures to have a pretty good idea of what it will look like.  I definitely won't be wearing any bikini's however a tankini and surf shorts is my style and I know I'll feel super comfortable in that (I may be planning a trip to Hawaii for my 40th birthday and estimate I'll be close to 125 pounds down by then putting me at about 290.  Anything less than that will be icing on the proverbial cake!).

I've been struggling a bit to get my protein and fluids in, so I'm really balancing on the edge of full-blown dehydration which sucks.  My BP feels like it's a bit elevated and I'm sure that has to do with the fact that I'm barely getting fluids into me.  I wish I could just make an appointment with my doctor for some IV fluids.  But it needs to be a bit more emergent for me to head to Urgent Care to do it.  I'm getting about 50 ounces of water and drinks in a day, and about 50 grams of protein overall.  I know I need to increase that but it's not been super easy with the reflux and stuff.  I keep trying each day to drink more, but it's SO hard to do.  That is no joke.  Though I was getting in about 70 ounces of water a day and 65-70 grams of protein each day, and after my stomach hurt, it's been a challenge to get back to that. 

Today I have a dentist appointment to pull two back teeth on the bottom that are super loose due to me having progressive gum disease most of my adult life, and the roots in those teeth are a single pointy root instead of the double pointed root that molars normally have.  I'm a freak. I have some anxiety of course since I just stopped my Lovenox injections yesterday (YAY) so I'm a bit worried about the bleeding but I'm WAY more worried about them numbing my mouth.  I HATE HATE HATE that feeling.  I'm always so worried I'll have a severe reaction though after surgery and all the medicine I've had to take, I'm sure I'll be just fine.  So that's pretty much my update for now.  I'll be back for another check-in in a couple weeks!

Days 7 & 8

Yesterday was both a good and horrible day.  Yesterday started with some good: I hit my 40 pounds lost and also didn't have to take any Tylenol for pain when waking up for the first time since surgery.  I went out to dinner with a friend and planned ahead of time to order a cup of French Onion soup without the cheese and croutons.  It didn't leave me with much more than a half cup of broth, but it was very savory and delicious.  

Later in the evening things started to turn.  My husband came home later than expected and decided he was too tired to eat his dinner that I had waiting for him.  That always stings for me.  It makes me think he doesn't find it good enough to eat.  And since I couldn't enjoy that delicious meal I had waiting for him, I was really annoyed about it.  Then my teenage son decided to become an argumentative turd, so I was really pissy and yelling and arguing with him which stressed me out and made my stomach/esophagus hurt. Of course now I keep thinking that I did something to rip a stitch or staple and am having internal bleeding or something.  I'm sure that's not true, but the stress of yelling doesn't help anything.  

This morning I woke up and it was already more of the same.  I had to take a dose of Tylenol today because my esophagus and stomach were both still aching, though it was really awesome that all the incisions and stuff weren't hurting like they were.  Being able to sleep in my bed again has been a huge help to feeling better.  

I've been losing about a pound a day average since surgery.  I was really hoping it would be more like 2 pounds a day.  I am trying hard to not compare myself to other people in the Facebook groups I'm in, but when I see people say "I lost 30 pounds my first month" or "I lost 10 pounds my first week" I get a little annoyed.  A little discouraged.  Because I'm not on track for either of those.  I lost 9 pounds and today is my 8th day.  So I guess 

Something I noticed yesterday is how big of drinks of fluid I am able to take.  I feel like I'm supposed to be taking baby sips of everything which means if it's something hot it goes cold before I can fully enjoy it. So right now I'm reheating my coffee which I just made less than 10 minutes ago and now putting it in my insulated mug to stay hot because I'm not a super fan of room-temp coffee.  I want it iced or hot and since we're in the midst of the seasons truly changing and it's foggy outside this morning, I want hot.  Hot also soothes an irritated stomach so I wanted to start the day with warm.  Anyways, I digress.  

I'm really going to focus on not yelling or caring too much about anything but myself for the rest of the time I'm at home before going back to work.  I know that next week is going to be a very long week for me, and it will be a miracle if I can make it through each day without having to leave early because I know just how bad of a shit show it's going to be when I return.  Which makes me have mixed feelings about having to take time for myself and how much I'll suffer for it when I get back.  But this isn't the vlog for it.  

Last night I also wanted to try starting my YouTube channel with the videos for my journey.  Then I kept getting a Henry Rollins quote running through my mind, "It will destroy you if you try to make it mean anything to anyone but yourself."  So I stopped the upload, and deleted it.  I feel like that is true.  I have this blog for the ramblings in my head during this journey, that I do share but I doubt anyone reads, and I also have an Instagram account that I created for more of a visual record that some of my friends have found and followed.  But I've done the Instagram account before so I tread lightly there in that previously I had gotten a negative comment about the "garbage" I was eating (a protein cookie) and it wrecked me and I got upset and deleted the account.  Well, I'm a little more evolved now in that I can just delete a negative comment and move on, but I am a very sensitive person and I hate when people are like that.  

Anyways, so today my goal is to take it very easy, allow myself to heal and be a lazy bum that is recovering so I can feel as good as I felt yesterday morning.  I don't think I'll get brave and try the oatmeal today since I feel like everything is really irritated and angry right now.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day if I'm feeling better.  I recently tried a half serving of Cream of Wheat and that felt like I was eating sand because I'm not used to anything with texture and then it came screaming out the other end.  I took that to mean, nope.  This is not going to be something we try again for a while.  Clearly my tiny stomach wasn't ready for it.  

I really can't wait until I've been cleared for "soft/pureed" foods.  I really want some tuna or chicken salad.  Or some chili with cheese and sour cream.  Something with some substance that isn't a freaking protein shake.  It will come.  28 more days until my 1 month follow-up visit in which I hope they give me the all clear to proceed to phase II of my eating schedule.