I am SO sick.

I gotta say...I am SO sick.  SO sick and tired of feeling like shit.  I'm not talking about being sick with a cold, and unfortunately I don't have some awful disease like MS or something, though it might make me feel better knowing I can label it rather than feel guilty about it.  This is something that is both mental and physical, can't be labeled as anything other than "lazy" and "morbidly-obese" and "anxious" and "depressed" and maybe even "compulsive". 

I'm talking about how I'm so sick and tired of being 200 pounds overweight.  Of having absolutely no willpower, self-control, or discipline.

I'm talking about how even though I have like $85 in my checking account, I'll still go through the drive-thru for a bagel and hot chocolate because I don't feel like I'm complete unless I'm buying food and eating it throughout my day.

I'm sick of feeling like my husband and son are embarrassed of me.  They won't say it outright, however a week ago my son told me he didn't want me to walk him in to school because he didn't want anyone to say anything bad about me.  I almost died of a broken heart.  This was something that I knew was coming someday, but still it hit me like a freight train.  A part of me died inside.  I could tell he felt bad about it, and he truly felt he was looking out for me.  He said that some kids had said something like, "hey look at that lady, she's so fat", and it made him uncomfortable, and that he was too worried to stick up for me as his Mom because he was worried he'd be bullied, and they would make more fun of me...but he didn't say it.  He didn't have to.  I've been a kid.  I've been bullied, and I know how it feels to try to diffuse a bully situation before it starts. 

So the last week, week-and-a-half or so, I've been constantly thinking about my weight.  Funny, how that shift works.  Normally, I'm thinking about food, when can I eat next, what can I eat, etc.  Now, I'm constantly thinking about how fat I am.  FAT.  I know there's a huge body acceptance campaign going on, but for me, it makes no sense.  If I was one of those perfectly Greek looking curvy women that looked amazing in knee length skirts and heels and cute tops I would probably be a lot happier with myself. 

I feel like I look like a fat humpty-dumpty of a woman.  I'm gross.  I have a huge belly (not a soft curvaceous belly, but like a super fat, hanging belly).  One of my thighs has a small panniculus on it, which sticks out when I walk.  It's like an extra lump of fat.  Google it.  So gross.  It's funny...when I was a little girl I loved wearing skirts.  Then I became a total tomboy and hated skirts all the way up until about a month or two ago...now I wear them almost out of need because they hide so much.  But I hate them, because they don't actually look good.  They're just more comfortable and forgiving than the one pair of work pants I have anymore.  My feet are continuously swollen...so my shoes are limited to what I can wedge them into.  And those are so uncomfortable that most of the day I take them off. 

Thinking About Food, Constantly...

Pretty much from the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed, food is at the forefront of my mind.  I couldn't be more honest about this.  It looks something like this:

 

As soon as I'm awake, I start thinking about what I'm going to have for breakfast.  Then when I'm eating breakfast I'm thinking about my skinny (what a joke, right?) hot chocolate from Starbucks I'll get on my way to work.  Then when I sit at my desk, I'm already starting to decide what I'm going to have for lunch (because most days anymore I'm buying my lunch out, which puts me in the poorhouse, but I have an addiction).  Once I've eaten lunch, I'll be trying to decide if and when I'll have a sweet "snack" in the afternoon to hold me over until dinner...which I think about on and off most of the day because it's the first thing I have to take care of when I get home so I want to know exactly what I'm doing.  While I'm making dinner, I'm making the boys' lunches for the next day and then thinking about my breakfast the next morning.  After dinner is cleaned up and the lunches are made, I'll go relax in my chair and play on my phone, but I'll be thinking about a bowl of cereal or ice cream after everyone else is in bed.

 

That's a lot of thinking about food. A lot.  Now, this doesn't include the added details of when I'm thinking about food.  So when I'm thinking about my lunch, I'm thinking about how can I get the most bang for my buck.  What is going to be the "biggest" lunch I can get for a reasonable price of approximately $9?  Is it the chicken or the beef?  Noodles or rice? Sandwich or burrito?  Should I get the salad, but buy an avocado to add to it?  When I'm making dinner, how can I doctor it up so it's most flavorful (which usually means has the most gravy, or cheese, etc.)?

 

I know it's not healthy.  Shoot, I'm sitting here right now thinking about how I'll be going to lunch in 40 minutes, and I'm definitely hitting up the food truck for lunch.  And I'm getting a big meal.  And it's the 5th time this week I'll have eaten out for lunch, not including my morning Starbucks.  

 

I'm trying to heal from this obsession with food.  I've been noticing my binges while I'm binging, which is something I haven't done for 15 years...well, the noticing part.  I've somehow grown complacent about my binging, and just do it without much of a thought.  but now, after a heaping pile of chips and salsa, a handful of orange slice gummies, and a sandwich, I realize what I'm doing when I'm doing it.  And I don't feel guilt about it anymore.  It's who I am.  But I don't want that to be me anymore.  I used to hate myself for binging because I didn't even have the balls to purge it. I was to scared to become "that girl".  Who was I kidding?  I'm just as bad if not worse than her!  I'M "that girl".   

I want to...

I've just started reading the Ronda Rousey book "My Fight/Your Fight".  I've barely gotten past the first couple chapters, but I'm enthralled with her.  I have a girl crush.  Whatever.  She fucking inspires me! I have noticed for years and years now that I keep saying, "I want to do this, or I want to do that" but nothing ever happens.  So instead of my list for 2016, I'm just going to belt it out and start buckling down to do it.

I want to go to Hawaii.  I want to lose all my weight.  I want to have money in my savings account so I can do awesome things whenever I want without think I have to hawk stuff or take out loans.  I want to be able to buy my son a new-ish car for his 16th birthday.  I want to learn how to throw clay.  I want to have an office with a door at a job that I love.  I want a key to the building.  I want a company car.  I want to be valued.  I want to have a nice house that I love in a neighborhood I love.  I want to feel cherished by my mate.  I want to feel pretty.  I want to be someone's ride or die.  I want to help people.  I want to go to Heaven.  I want to accomplish things.  I want to become a runner. I want to do Crossfit.  I want to be a weight lifter.  I want to go snorkeling in tropical waters.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to be a better mom.  I want to be the best at what I do, whatever I'm doing.  I want a tight group of friends to vacation with.  I want to be able to shop in any store for clothes.  I want to learn how to wear makeup.  I want to learn to do fun things.  I want to write a novel about my life.  I want to get my Master's Degree.  I want to change the world.

Thinking about how to move forward

So I feel like I've been so focused on just trying to keep my shit together and make sure the number on the scale is going down instead of up, that I haven't really been trying to figure out what comes next for me.  Now, granted, I've been sick what feels like constantly since the beginning of November, and that has taken a giant toll on me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I'm constantly worried that I have something worse that I do, and that I'm dying, and that causes all kinds of issues in my mind.  But I have got to quit dwellling in the the bad, and start moving toward the good. 

 

I've lost almost 70 pounds in just over 2 years, and I'm starting to feel like I can move more.  I am finding that I'm gaining my flexibility back. Yesterday, I realized I can cross my legs now...more like a man than a lady still, but it's still cool that I can do that without hurting myself and having to force my foot up on my knee.  It's the little things like that people that really make you realize you actually ARE losing weight.  It also makes you realize just how hard all that weight is to manage.  I also notice I walk differently.  I am starting to walk with my feet closer together rather than with my toes pointing out.  I'm carrying less weight, and my body is thanking me for it.

 

Anyways, the point of this post is that I've been thinking about what kind of physical activities can I take on this summer that will help keep me active, but also be fun.  I told myself way back at the beginning of this weight loss journey that I would buy myself a kayak when I lost 100 pounds.  The main reason I said after 100 pounds was because I didn't want to have to spend extra money to buy a kayak that can accomodate more weight.  I'm finally getting to where I don't have to worry about that as much.  I do start getting anxious thinking about drowning but I know to wear a life jacket in open water, and I won't be doing any kayaking in the river at all.  Just quiet streams and along the shores of the lake.  I wondered for a while if I was only thinking I wanted to do this because it's something hubby likes to do and then we can have something to do together, but I have always thought it would be fun. I'm even considering getting a 2 seater so me and the kiddo can kayak together and hubby in his own. 

 

I think it would be fun.  I really do.  Until I lose another 100 pounds and feel ready to take on snowboarding or something. 

Here we go again...

Where am I going?

 

I'm doing it again.  I've gotten successful at losing the weight, and now I'm backsliding.  I had weight gains 2 out of 3 weeks recently.  Why is it that when I find success in losing weight, I think it's okay to suddenly go out of control? Am I scared of losing the weight? Do I subconciously feel like I don't deserve to lose the weight?  Overall, I want to say it's a fear of success.  Lots of people deal with fear of failure...I wish.  I'd have more drive I think.  Part of me yes, thinks maybe if I lose the weight, I'll want more out of my life than what it is...that I'll want to become this crazy, free, adventurous spirit...I've seen it happen.  But part of me thinks that if I lose the weight, maybe I'll be crazy and free and adventurous enough to just want to do more fun stuff with my family. 

 

So why am I doing it?

 

I think I know failure so well, that I'm comfortable with it.  It's so easy to say screw it, and open up a bag of pita chips and eat four or five servings.  Way easier (and cheaper) than planning a healthy meal, shopping for the ingredients, then finding time to prepare it.  Also, it's comforting to eat food that so easily satisfies the pleasure center--shoot, junky food is designed to hit the sweet spot.

How does that make me feel?

What really bothers me the most is that I've lost 30-ish pounds since October alone, and was really finally starting to notice that I've lost almost 60 pounds.  I was starting to shrink out of my clothes, I could feel that my belly was smaller, my neck thinner, and I was even starting to be able to feel my collarbones again.  So why is it, that with all this success, do I just fall off the wagon?  Even as I sit here typing this, I'm thinking about pizza.  Chewy, cheesy, yummy pizza.  It's like my nemisis.  Seriously.  I'm so weak around pizza.  Okay, getting off topic...Well yesterday was weigh-in, and I had gained back 3.4 pounds. I was devestated. So I ate my lunch, ate a bunch of snacks in my desk at work, then ate Taco Bell for dinner. I felt sorry for myself, I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt like a failure. I ate. I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the evening, but I felt bad about it all night. 

How did I get to this point?

A couple of months ago I started having pain in my stomach.  Bad.  It wouldn't go away.  I had a full abdominal ultrasound (came back clear) and blood drawn and they couldn't tell me exactly what was going on.  Of course, in my anxiety- and panic-ridden state, I started to believe that I had stomach cancer.  One Dr. finally suggested that it could be too much stomach acid and put me on Nexium which my body promtply rejected (although it did help with the stomach acid a bit, the side effects weren't worth it).  When I went back regarding the Nexium, she suggested I change my diet to avoid grain and dairy. Essentially a mostly Paleo lifestyle.  I was fully on board and immediately began making the changes.  Literally the weight was falling off of me those first few weeks, then not as much but still dropping the weight. I've been tracking daily in MyFitnessPal, and I go to weekly Weight Watchers at Work meetings so that I can do the weigh-ins and have a support system.  I wish I could do weekly weigh-ins some other way that was more affordable.  Anyways, that's another post I'm sure.

What have I done?

So how exactly have I been falling off the wagon, and just what do I intend on doing about it?  I've been eating a lot of cheese again, breads, unhealthy fatty foods like chips.  I've ordered out for lunch more than once and not cared the price.  I track it all in my tracker, but when I go 2000 calories over budget, that's a problem. 

What am I going to do about it?

Today I've eaten a banana and a double portion of low-fat (chemical shit storm) pita chips.  Lunch is a healthier option of a greek salad with vinaigrette and an apple and maybe a bag of frozen brussels sprouts.  Later for snack I'll have a LaraBar.  Dinner I'm going to make myself eat chicken and broccoli.  I've got to start adding in a lot of the good clean foods so that it pushes out all the bad foods again.  I noticed about 2 weeks ago that as I was starting to slip, I was getting cravings again for chocolate and other carbs. I also have noticed that I've been drinking a lot less water than I was a couple weeks ago, and I really need to get back to drinking at least half of my body weight a day in ounces (sorry, still not comfortable enough to list that number publicly, but I'm getting there...someday when I lose most or all of the weight, I'm going to do a public Before/After reveal of my story).