One time, my little sister and I were looking at the local hospital's bariatric surgery website. The website said they did weekly informational sessions regarding weight loss surgery, and the first thing that came to my mind was that I wondered if they would have snacks at the info session. For weight loss surgery. Isn't that terrible?!
I tell this story because I think it gives an accurate portrayal of how I am constantly thinking of food.
I've been in therapy off and on for the last six years or so. We've all had a shitty relationship at some point, but I've been dealing with issues around eating for my entire life. And through all of this counseling, we've barely scratched the surface. I've complained about my weight, yo-yo dieting, gaining back lost weight, etc., but I've not really worked on my actual weight issues. Until recently. I told my therapist I was ready to really start working on my food issues because I feel awful, I've lost every single pound I had lost back when I started this blog, and I wanted to be around longer than 40 years of age. I want to be here, on this planet, for as long as possible for my boy.
So we've started talking about it. She's recommended that I maybe see a dietician that specializes in disordered eating. I'm fairly sure I'm a binge eater. I'll sit and be thinking about when I'm going to eat next, and when I'm eating, I'll realize that I'm shoveling food in my mouth, and not getting all that much joy out of it. Then the guilt comes. I feel guilty about what I've just done to my body, and my anxiety makes me think this will be the meal that clogs my arteries and causes a stroke or a heart attack. I think about the money that was wasted. I eat until my stomach and head and chest hurt.
I don't purge.
I used to...once in a while after eating too much food...but it started getting easier and easier to make myself throw up after a big meal and I realized that I was heading down a lethal path. Perhaps more lethal than just my terrible eating. That started around the time I was 20 or so, and lasted until a year or so before I got pregnant. Once I had a kid, it was a lot harder to purge because I didn't want my kiddo knocking on the door wondering why I was throwing up when I seemed fine.
I tend to eat in secret, as I think most do. I'll plan how I'm going to do it and where. Often times I've found that it will be away from home. I've noticed that I'll eat more when I'm stressed out or upset and that I'll "mad eat". What I mean by this is that I'll order some food somewhere, in an act of defiance, and eat it angrily, knowing that I'll feel a little better emotionally during the meal, but then reality sets in and I feel like shit afterward. Knowing I'll feel shitty doesn't always stop me.
I guess the reality is I hope I can be labeled as a binge eater, or something like that. To give reason for why I have such an unhealthy eating patterns. Why do I always want to eat SO MUCH FOOD?
This is just a peek into to the issues I have regarding food. I'm hoping that I can find more answers, and learn better habits, and make real changes in my life about how to have a healthy relationship with food.
