Days 7 & 8

Yesterday was both a good and horrible day.  Yesterday started with some good: I hit my 40 pounds lost and also didn't have to take any Tylenol for pain when waking up for the first time since surgery.  I went out to dinner with a friend and planned ahead of time to order a cup of French Onion soup without the cheese and croutons.  It didn't leave me with much more than a half cup of broth, but it was very savory and delicious.  

Later in the evening things started to turn.  My husband came home later than expected and decided he was too tired to eat his dinner that I had waiting for him.  That always stings for me.  It makes me think he doesn't find it good enough to eat.  And since I couldn't enjoy that delicious meal I had waiting for him, I was really annoyed about it.  Then my teenage son decided to become an argumentative turd, so I was really pissy and yelling and arguing with him which stressed me out and made my stomach/esophagus hurt. Of course now I keep thinking that I did something to rip a stitch or staple and am having internal bleeding or something.  I'm sure that's not true, but the stress of yelling doesn't help anything.  

This morning I woke up and it was already more of the same.  I had to take a dose of Tylenol today because my esophagus and stomach were both still aching, though it was really awesome that all the incisions and stuff weren't hurting like they were.  Being able to sleep in my bed again has been a huge help to feeling better.  

I've been losing about a pound a day average since surgery.  I was really hoping it would be more like 2 pounds a day.  I am trying hard to not compare myself to other people in the Facebook groups I'm in, but when I see people say "I lost 30 pounds my first month" or "I lost 10 pounds my first week" I get a little annoyed.  A little discouraged.  Because I'm not on track for either of those.  I lost 9 pounds and today is my 8th day.  So I guess 

Something I noticed yesterday is how big of drinks of fluid I am able to take.  I feel like I'm supposed to be taking baby sips of everything which means if it's something hot it goes cold before I can fully enjoy it. So right now I'm reheating my coffee which I just made less than 10 minutes ago and now putting it in my insulated mug to stay hot because I'm not a super fan of room-temp coffee.  I want it iced or hot and since we're in the midst of the seasons truly changing and it's foggy outside this morning, I want hot.  Hot also soothes an irritated stomach so I wanted to start the day with warm.  Anyways, I digress.  

I'm really going to focus on not yelling or caring too much about anything but myself for the rest of the time I'm at home before going back to work.  I know that next week is going to be a very long week for me, and it will be a miracle if I can make it through each day without having to leave early because I know just how bad of a shit show it's going to be when I return.  Which makes me have mixed feelings about having to take time for myself and how much I'll suffer for it when I get back.  But this isn't the vlog for it.  

Last night I also wanted to try starting my YouTube channel with the videos for my journey.  Then I kept getting a Henry Rollins quote running through my mind, "It will destroy you if you try to make it mean anything to anyone but yourself."  So I stopped the upload, and deleted it.  I feel like that is true.  I have this blog for the ramblings in my head during this journey, that I do share but I doubt anyone reads, and I also have an Instagram account that I created for more of a visual record that some of my friends have found and followed.  But I've done the Instagram account before so I tread lightly there in that previously I had gotten a negative comment about the "garbage" I was eating (a protein cookie) and it wrecked me and I got upset and deleted the account.  Well, I'm a little more evolved now in that I can just delete a negative comment and move on, but I am a very sensitive person and I hate when people are like that.  

Anyways, so today my goal is to take it very easy, allow myself to heal and be a lazy bum that is recovering so I can feel as good as I felt yesterday morning.  I don't think I'll get brave and try the oatmeal today since I feel like everything is really irritated and angry right now.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day if I'm feeling better.  I recently tried a half serving of Cream of Wheat and that felt like I was eating sand because I'm not used to anything with texture and then it came screaming out the other end.  I took that to mean, nope.  This is not going to be something we try again for a while.  Clearly my tiny stomach wasn't ready for it.  

I really can't wait until I've been cleared for "soft/pureed" foods.  I really want some tuna or chicken salad.  Or some chili with cheese and sour cream.  Something with some substance that isn't a freaking protein shake.  It will come.  28 more days until my 1 month follow-up visit in which I hope they give me the all clear to proceed to phase II of my eating schedule.