Using Food...

This is part two to the 25 Things post I put up a few days ago.  The idea is to list the ways I use food for something other than fuel. We all do it, some more than others, some less.  I think even the healthiest of people use food for something other than fuel.  We use it because we are hungry, lonely, depressed, happy, mad, bored, empty, shy, scared...you name it, someone has eaten food because of it.

For me, I've always had a multitude of these issues...I can remember being young and always saying, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored".  No matter what was suggested to me, I was still "bored".  So I would eat.  I would snack on whatever random stuff I could find.  A can of peas (gross right?), a favorite was a slice of white bread with cheddar cheese put in the microwave (so gummo!), and sometimes something like a can of olives. I don't even know. 

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I would even consider posting this type of information publicly.  Well, the whole idea of my blog is to better myself, and if I can help even one other person feel like someone out there "get's it", then I have done something right.  I'm trying to keep myself motivated and honest too, so I need to make sure I'm working on figuring out why I allowed myself to gain all this weight, and what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't all come back.  So I'm going to put this list together, and try to find a way to deal with these in another way aside from eating:

   boredom

                         loneliness

low self esteem

                        sadness

                                                                                               To feel satisfied

  To feel like I have something in common with someone else

                                                                     ANGER

Now, how to deal with this...?

I finished my first 5k today!

Here I am at the starting line for my very first 5k.  I was so excited this week, then last night started getting really nervous.  I was scared I would be in last place, or that I wouldn't be able to complete it because my ankles or foot.  I had hubby drop me off, then told him when to be back.  I made sure I stretched, and had my iPod ready to go.  A nice lady took this picture for me:

The event started and we were off.  The best part was that it was a flat neighborhood.  The course was 1.5 miles and you went through it twice.  I decided I was going to try to have fun with it and take pictures of the distance markers along the way:

Made it to the first mile.  All right then! I was feeling okay, but could start feeling my ankle throb and my other foot starting to hurt.  I kept on going, but gotta tell you it was about the next half mile, that things really went down hill for me...

At about the 1.5 mile mark, I started getting passed by runners...that were still running.  I was horrified.  I felt so ashamed of myself.  My shame comes from me allowing myself to get so fat, that I can't walk a mile and a half faster than someone can run twice that distance.  I kept going, taking little breaks to try and stretch my ankles and back, but just saw myself getting farther and farther behind.  As I was approaching the end of my first "lap", I started to cry.  Yes, I cried.  I was horrified that I was only going to be starting the second half of the event, when everyone else was finishing.  I was convinced I was in dead last.  

I went past the finish to keep going, sending texts to my best friend and my husband both to whine about being last and that I didn't think I would be able to finish. I have to put in here, that my bestie was being awesome.  She kept telling me to ignore everyone else, that I was doing this for me, and to keep going no matter what.  She rocks!  Then I noticed the family that was in front of me either didn't know they still had an entire lap to go, or they didn't care.  They didn't finish.  I kept going.  Nobody paid any attention to me.  As I was getting to the 2 mile marker, the van came by to pick up the mile signs.  Luckily they spray-painted the marker on the ground:

I kept going.  It was just past this point that my husband drove up and asked me if I still wanted him to take me home.  I told him I wanted to finish it.  I told him to meet me at the park.  He drove off and I kept walking.  Off and on from the start I would jog in short bursts.  Usually a distance of about 30 feet or so. I must have jogged about six times total.  I still felt like crying a bit.  Another runner would pass.  A man who was doing yardwork told me I was in first place since there wasn't anyone else around.  I think he thought he was being nice, but I was a little bit annoyed.  Then he told me good job, so I thanked him and kept going.  As I turned the corner going into the last long straight, I was trying to figure out where my last turn was, and kept on going.  I kept hoping the next turn was mine, but it never was.  Then I noticed my husband and little guy running up to me.  They found me and walked the last 3/4 mile with me.  I almost forgot to take the picture of the 3 mile marker, but sent husband back to do it for me:

Aren't the numbers fun?  I love how they are each slightly different...anyway.  Back to my journey.  We passed the 3 mile mark, then it was the last tiny bit to the finish line.  This is where it begins to get depressing again...yes, I was in dead last (of those people that decided to actually finish the event), and I saw there wasn't anyone out there to mark my time.  This means there wasn't anyone out there to take my race slip.  All I had was my husband and kiddo.  Which is really all I need, but for my very first event, it would have been nice to have at least gotten an official "witness" for my finish. So here I am crossing the finish line:

I went inside where they were having the race drawings, and found someone to give my slip to.  I asked her if I could give her my slip.  She asks, "you didn't get it to anyone?" and I told her I just finished.  She gave me a look that I can't even describe (again, I thought I was going to cry or die), and I told her there wasn't anyone outside to give it to when I got there.  She told me she was sorry and would give it to someone.  Last I saw was her talking to a guy at a computer, and I decided I couldn't take much more.  I wanted to get home NOW.  I was done feeling humiliated for the day.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm so proud of myself for doing it, and I'm still going to do another one next month (which I have a better chance of at least not crossing the finish line last since it's a 5k/10k event).  After I had lunch, showered, and had relaxed a little, I decided to send an email to the event coordinator with my time.  I also gave him a short comment about maybe next time they could send someone around the course one more time in a van or something to make sure there isn't anyone else out there.  It's really discouraging that there wasn't anyone there to finalize it for me. I'll probably not get a response, but I just had to get it out.  I wanted my score recorded somewhere.

This was my journey for my first 5k.  I know each one I complete will get easier and easier, and maybe someday, I'll be the person who can run the whole thing. I'm not going to let this beat me.

25 Things and How I Use Food (not for fuel)...

Today I was told I should make two lists.  The first list is 25 things about who I am that I'm proud of or like.  One thing for each pound I've lost to 25 pounds.  I figure I'm worth it right? And I figured this could make for a good blog! So here is my list, after a lot of thought, and soul-searching.  I am going to challenge you to come up with your own list, and if you want, feel free to comment with one of the items!  It will make you feel more empowered, you'll love yourself more, and help you to remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT TOO!

1.   I have a kind heart.

2.   I am honest, almost to a fault.

3.   I have an amazing sense of humor.

4.   I am a good mom (though I sometimes feel I'm not).

5.   I am a good wife.

6.   I am a good daughter.

7.   I am a good sister (at least I think so).

8.   I am passionate.

9.   I am smart.

10. I am respectful.

11. I am very strong willed.

(This list is harder than one would think, without trying to sound generic and cheesy)

12. I love how handy I am with tools.

13. I love how creative I am.

14. I like that I am always willing to help my friends.

15. I like that I am a good cook.

16. I like how my nails are growing strong and healthy as I get healthier too.

17. I love how I feel when I sing in the car.

18. I love how reliable I am.

19. I love that I gave birth to an amazing child.

20. I love how good a photographer I am.

21. I love how tech savvy I am.

22. I love how I continue to push through challenges and meet goals.

23. I love that I am always trying to better myself.

24. I love the way my heart leaps and I feel joy for others when they are overjoyed.

25. I love my ability to keep going.

I'm hitting the wall....HELP!!!

I'm feeling like I'm going off track just a little bit. I've always had this fear of success in me, and now that I'm SO close to reaching my first 25 pounds lost, I'm trying not to sabotage myself.  It's so easy to fall off the wagon, especially when you have victories.  I'm trying to do well this week because I have the 5k coming up on Saturday, and don't want to feel sluggish or anything for it; but I feel like I'm getting a little bit lazy about the food selections I'm making however, I find myself doing more home projects, doing these truffle shuffle and 5k events, and trying to move more in general. 

I need to get back on track.  Man, how easy it would it be if we all had personal trainers, life coaches, and personal chefs!  I keep talking about how I want to move towards being Paleo, but here I sit at work, on my third square of Ghirardelli Intense Dark Midnight Reverie (my favorite), wondering if I'm going to hit the 25 pound mark on Friday...Probably not unless I make some serious moves towards it, such as zero processed foods, lots more water in the evenings (I drink about 40 oz of water at work if not more during the day, but barely drink anything at night), and move as much as possible. 

I've been very excited since the Truffle Shuffle about the 5k, but right now I'm feeling nervous.  This time I'll be by myself, and won't have anyone to make me laugh, however I'm my own worst critic so I think I'll be pushing myself.  Now I know I can jog a little too!  I'm hoping to beat my pace per mile.  I'm so looking forward to the end of the year going back and looking at my progression through all the walking/running events I plan on doing.  I've already found the next one I am going to enroll in.  I think I need to start riding my bike too.  Last time I rode it, I had an unfortunate incident where the seat post totally bend under my weight, so I've been totally avoiding it even though my sweet husband changed it out for me and everything.  I have an exercise bike that I totally hate, but should probably get on more.  I haven't gotten on that thing in forever.  I should make my morning routine.  Exercise bike for 15 minutes, then get ready for work, and deal with the day. 

If anyone has any tips or tricks on how to get past this funk, I appreciate it!

Truffle Shuffle is DONE!!!

So I did it!  Today was the Truffle Shuffle 2 mile walk!  Okay, I know 2 miles isn't really that far, but I tell you what, when you aren't used to walking that far, it is.  I was accompanied by my friends from work, Crystal and Leslie.  These two women are amazing!  They cheered me on like nobody's business and kept me smiling through the whole thing!  Never at any point did they make me feel like I was holding them back, and I appreciate that more than they will ever know!

                                                     Here we are just before race time!

We got there a little early to pick up our packets which included our number bib, and some information about the organization they were raising money for (Big Brothers and Big Sisters).  Once we all got our numbers situated, we moseyed around, checking out all the people that were there, and trying to get psyched up.  They started the 2 mile runners, then we were up.  The 4 mile runners go last.  I don't know why.  You would think they'd get them on their way first, then the 2 mile runners, then the walkers...oh well.  The walk was beautiful, along the bike paths of Track Town, USA.  I think I even saw Steve Prefontaine's twin at the event!

I'm not going to lie when I say that my left foot was killing me the whole time, and about 1/3 of the way through my right ankle started to cramp up too, but we took small breaks, and kept on.  The group in front of us cut through early, thereby cheating, so we smoked them in the end.  This is where the jogging started for me.  Yes, I said it.  JOGGING!!!  I wanted to pass this lady so bad.  I didn't want to be beat by someone who cheated.  Also, I didn't want to be in dead last.  So we started walking fast, then I started jogging super slow.  It felt much better on my feet and ankles, which is weird, but whatever!  I went with it.  I  got a dirty look from them, but didn't care.  They were the cheaters! I know it wasn't a race or anything but I was feeling good!  

We could see the finish line, and Crystal started hauling ass up to the finish line so she could take a picture of me crossing the finish line for my blog...she's so sweet!!!  Here are a couple of pictures of me and Leslie crossing the finish line:

I just have to say I couldn't do it without them.  I would have been so nervous for this first even if it weren't for them.  Quite frankly, I probably would have never had the wherewithal to start jogging my big ass down to the finish line either if they hadn't told me I could do it.  I am so proud of myself, and I am so proud of those ladies too, for doing this today.  Now I have the 5k coming up next Saturday, and I'm totally looking forward to it  I will be rocking out to my music on my iPod, and aiming for a time under 90 minutes.  I know it will get better and better, and I hope to keep doing a 5k a month.  Someday I'll get up to a 10k, then someday a half marathon, then a marathon...in time.  

Truffle Shuffle and Paleo

What was I thinking signing up for this?

In just 4 days I'll be walking 2 miles in the Truffle Shuffle.  In this local event, you can run 2 miles or 4 miles or walk 2 miles, and at the end they give you a truffle.  One might think that a truffle is my motivation here, but this seemed like a great start to a years worth of 5k's.  Now granted I've not been following the traditional 5k training program like the C25K.  One week after I complete this 2 mile walk, I'll be doing my first real 5k.  I'm nervous.  I'm nowhere close to being in as good of shape as I should be for this but I am still going to do it.  As I've said before, even if I come in dead last, pulling myself over the finish line with my chin, I'm still going to do it.  Today I did some walking before I ate lunch and my ankle was killing me.  I have to make sure I spend a good 10-15 minutes warming up then stretching before I walk.

Anxiety and Self Image...

I have a lot of anxiety about these two events because when I walk at the mall, I see myself in all those windows and I'm like, Oh my God.  I can't believe myself.  It's disgusting.  A friend that is walking the walk with me basically told me that I'm seeing myself differently than others see me, which was so sweet.  I know that's probably true, and we are our own biggest critics.  I know this is something I need to work on, and hopefully over time, I can learn to have a healthier self-image.  I know I am big.  I am huge.  I don't deny it.  But dammit, I'm working on it and it's not easy.  But I know people see my size, and I don't just want to be the fat funny friend forever.  I want to be the sporty, fun mom/wife/friend that is always doing fun outdoorsy stuff, and out there kicking the soccer ball with my kiddo, and dammit, I want to race BMX bikes with my family because I think it would be FUN!!!

Paleo...

In an earlier post, I had talked about the book about Paleo I had purchased online called Practical Paleo.  I've read through most of it, and it's awesome.  It comes with about 8 tear out pages you can use to take grocery shopping, and keep in the kitchen to help you know what you can and can't have while following the paleo plan.  The book also has 30 day menus for a variety of problems you are trying to solve such as fat loss, cancer recovery, and heart health.  I've been slowly making changes toward this, such as buying less processed foods, etc. however I feel like I want to follow it more and more.  I know this is something that means I will need to quit eating pizza (went to pizza tonight and only ate 2 pieces....this is a victory for me because pizza is one of my weaknesses!) entirely, as well as rice, pasta, bread, etc.  My hubby really wants to follow this with me (we've talked about this type of eating for years) but I know he can't give up his PB&J's every day, and I know he loves chips and cereal and sweets.  I think he mostly likes the idea of eating this way, and then the bacon and steaks, etc. that are part of it.  LOL.  Men...

 

New shoes and new motivation jars!

Okay, so I am such a lucky girl today!  For my anniversary, my hubby bought me a brand new pair of walking shoes for my 2 mile and 5k coming up!  He knows I've been dealing with foot pain for years, and my old walking shoes were about two years old already, so after visiting the doctor...we decided that would be a great thing for me.  I'm all about more motivation and tools to help me succeed.  If new shoes will help me be able to walk more than one day in a row without severe foot pain, then I'll take it!  So here they are:

 

They are Brooks brand, 10th anniversary edition.  I have the same exact shoes, but in a different color.  They are very comfortable for walking and have extra support where I need them.  I think these will be great for moving more!

The other thing I did today was make a set of those motivational weight loss tracking jars for pounds to lose vs. pounds lost.  I put a link in my previous blog about them.  A work friend and I walked to the craft store today at lunch, which was nice because the weather was amazing, and it was nice to get up and move and get some fresh air! So I bought some decorative glass pebbles, and a couple of paint pens, and then when I got home I had these:

They turned out okay.  I thought the ones I saw online were much cuter.  But who cares.  It's still motivational for me.  I bought WAY too many of the little glass pebbles.  There are more than it looks in the little pouches.  I bought a 4 pound bag which ended up having about 500 or so pebbles.  So I have a big sack of them left over in case anyone else maybe wants to do them, or something like that.  I started with 200 pebbles in the pounds to go jar, and moved 19 over.  I'm only going to count them at the round numbers.  Some people do it in half pounds, but I don't think that's going to work for me.  After each whole pound, I'll move one over.  I want to be able to move them over each week, so that will also help to keep me motivated.

Weekends are my enemy...

Previously I talked about how much of an issue the weekends have been for me food wise.  Yesterday I had a big breakfast (while not overly unhealthy-it was big) then the rest of the day I was okay until after dinner I ate a donut and cookies.  Today I had another too big breakfast (knowing while I was making it that it was probably going to be too much because I didn't log it before I ate it) and was pissed because I knew the whole time I should just have a protein shake blended with some frozen berries. But I didn't.  I allowed myself to be free.  So then I did a crap ton of housework today, including sanding the chalkboard wall completely, wiping all the dust off of all the furniture in the living room, vacuuming the entire house, sweeping, rearranging some stuff in Evan's room, cleaning the rat cage, shopping for an hour, doing the laundry and dishes, and then making a super unhealthy Super Bowl Sunday dinner consisting of frozen mini tacos and panko breaded chicken tenderloins.  I ate too much of that processed frozen food and then I ate a bunch of cookies and a glass of milk.  Just too much.  I was so exhausted I just started sucking down the carbs and sugar.  Terrible!  I am not allowing this to happen anymore. I just can't.  As it is, I have no idea what my menu will look like this week, but I have to see another loss on the scale on Friday, and at this point, hoping for that 5.3 pound loss is totally impossible.

I am going to hit it hard this week.  No more screwing around.  I am motivated to finish the projects in my house, and just need to stick to that, and then NOT eat a bunch of junk food.  Instead I need to remember to stop, drink more water, then have a protein shake or something in between tasks so I don't allow myself to go off the deep end. 

The chalkboard wall is totally sanded and cleaned and taped off.  Tuesday I will actually do the chalkboard paint.  Then Wednesday I hope to have the border done, then Saturday night hope to have something to do the border with.  I was going to do regular moulding, but that is super expensive stuff!  I want to do something more fun and pretty.  I think I might go to JoAnn's to see what I can find.  Small wooden blocks, or something pretty I can glue around it.  Just to make it pop.  

This is what I'm also working on now... 

http://givemethirty.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-jar-of-rocks.html

I'm sure most of you have seen this on Pinterest or other blogs, but I'm going to make 2 jars, one full of pebbles for each pound I want to lose, and the other jar is for each pound I've lost.  I think it will be awesome to see the pebbles go from one jar to the other.  I'm going to decorate it.  I have to also buy the pebbles from the craft store, so I might go do that at lunch tomorrow.  And guess what? I'll walk!

Weigh-In Week 8

Today I weighed in before work and, da-da-DA! I am down another 1.7 pounds for a grand total now of 19.7  pounds!  Yay!  I'm losing about 10 pounds a month and that is great!  I was pretty worried since I've been retaining water, but trying to stay hydrated, plus drinking my green tea every day (of which I need to buy more-went through a whole box of Stash so quick!) and trying to avoid high sodium foods.  So yeah, pretty great way to start the day. 

For lunch I had a carnitas burrito the size of a baby though, since I knew I would be on my own for dinner tonight.  I had a late lunch too, so essentially I had burrito for lunch and dinner and afternoon snack.  I'll have a protein fortified rice crispy treat with some skim milk for a snack before bed, and be just fine for the day.  Today I picked up my new outfit that I bought for walking the 2 mile Truffle Shuffle and the 5k.  The jacket fits great, but the pants are not what I hoped for.  I hate returning things though, so I'll probably keep them, because when I lose about 25 more pounds I think they will fit perfectly.

I need to start looking for charm necklaces.  I know I can buy charms just about anywhere, so most likely I'll be going to the mall for a nice chain, then to the craft store to look at charms.  I've only got 5.3 until I hit that goal!  I can't wait!  When I get to 50 pounds lost, I am going to get a heart rate monitor...I would really love to eventually become a jogger, then a runner.  I think I can get there.