Clearly feeling unfulfilled.

I'm sitting here at my desk at work with just 15 minutes left in my lunch hour.  For lunch today I got Panda Express (3 entree box), which I brought back to work and proceeded to devour.  I ate every morsel including the stupid fortune cookie with its stupid fortune that didn't really pertain to me in any way, I thought.  Sensing some negativity?  Yeah.  Me too.  I'm feeling negative.  Now, I'm not trying to be all bah-humbug day after Christmas grinch type deal, but seriously, I ate that whole to-go box of food...and could have eaten 2 more.  I'm pretty sure I'm not joking.  I just don't feel full.  Though I can feel it in my gut, and I feel bloated.  Is that the feeling of fullness?  It's not feeling like enough. 

 

I'm missing a lot in my life I think.  I don't have any hobbies...and when I try to decide on one, I get overwhelmed thinking about stuff like start up costs, etc.  My husband has a few hobbies, and enjoys things like bike rides (even when it's cold), racing, dirt biking, kayaking.  Me...I'm too big to enjoy those things (see problem above of eating until I'm "full").  It's causing me to be stuck in a vicious cycle.  I hate it.  I know I need to change some shit in my life.  I really do.  I read another blog about how I have to quit saying stupid stuff like, "I'm going to work out every day in 2014", or "I'm going to only eat healthy this year", when dammit, I'm 34 years old, and know that neither of those are true.  I need to make some changes that will actually help me.  I need a real support system.  I need someone to check in with...often.  I can't check in with myself all the time.  It would be nice if I had someone here...tangible, and actually in my life to do it.  Someone to show up at my door and drag my ass to the gym to work out.  Or someone to smack the donut out of my hand when I start to feel down.  I try not to dwell on it.  I'm not trying to say that I'm not successful because I feel like I'm lacking this support, however, anyone in their right ming can tell you that without support, fighting a battle isn't easy, and most likely you will fail. 

 

I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water when it comes to keeping myself from totally succombing to the "funk".  That's what I call being depressed.  The funk.  A funk.  I'm feeling funky.  Shit, at least I'm funny.  I have that. 

 

Maybe it's time to start putting together my newest '52 Things' list for 2014.  One goal I have for that this year is to put realistic stuff on it.  Stuff that could actually be done.  Last 2 years I put stuff on there that was going to cost a lot of money, etc.  I need to aim for stuff that will enrich my life.  Once my list is complete, I will definitely share.

 

Until next time.

Random Check-In

Today marks the one year anniversary of when I started my weight loss journey.  This date has been in the back of my mind since April.  I pretty much fell off the wagon in April, and have had the hardest time getting back into the groove of eating right, tracking my food and exercise, exercising for that matter, and focusing on taking care of myself.  I know I battle depression, and its like a tug-of-war between the two issues.  The depression makes me not give a shit, but the eating right/exercising makes it better.  

One has to overcome the other for me to succeed.  

Have I ever told you that one of my favorite websites is PostSecret.com?  I love this site. It's a site where they post peoples secrets that they can mail in to a PO Box anonymously. I think the reason I like the site so much is because everyone has a secret, or something they are just aching to say, but don't have the outlet for it.  And this is finally a way to do it.  I haven't sent anything in.  Don't know if I ever will.  I just love reading it, though some days it makes me feel sad, and other days, it makes me feel better about myself quite frankly.  

If I hadn't fallen off the health wagon in April, I probably would be looking at being 50-75 pounds lighter than I am now.  In one year I lost 30 pounds, and while that's nothing to shake a stick at, it's not as much as I wanted.  A blogger I follow had a weight loss surgery and as much as I hate to say it, but it's true to form for me...I'm so incredibly jealous. It's still hard work.  But everything is laid out for her.  It's a make it or break it type deal.  For me now, if I don't follow the diet, big deal, I just don't lose weight.  With the weight loss surgery situation, if you don't follow it, you can end up extremely sick or dead.  Neither of those sound fun.  A couple of family members had weight loss surgery some years back, and I've been so jealous since.  I can't afford it, and my insurance doesn't cover it so I am totally out of luck.  I know I have to at least keep trying, but one thing I just don't want to deal with is the hating myself and the guilt I feel when I don't succeed.  

I want to be an athletic and healthy woman.  I want to be a wife that my husband can be proud of.  I want to be the mom my kiddo looks up to and isn't ashamed of.  I feel like until I can lose at least another 150 pounds, that's not going to happen.  How am I going to lose 150 pounds?!  Why can't I seem to find the determination and motivation to get my shit together?  Maybe I should try to get on Extreme Weight Loss or Biggest Loser.  The chances of that happening for me are slim to none.  What about starting a GoFundMe account? See?  These are the kinds of things that go through my mind when I think about this huge issue I deal with.  I'm blessed in the fact that I don't have any serious issues (that I'm aware of) such as heart issues or diabetes (although I've been told multiple times that I'm almost guaranteed to have it eventually).  I've always been convinced that if my life depended on it, I would be able to do it, but doesn't my life depend on it anyway?  It does.  But its not enough.  I try to not stock stuff in the house so much that's just bad for me, but I still eat breads, and I still make cookies once in a while. 

I keep telling myself that going Paleo is the way to go.  Though I've been learning over the past year that I need to find the middle ground.  Find the thing that's going to actually work for me.  What I was doing initially this time last year was following the Monarch Plan of 5-6 mini meals a day, focus on lots of protein and little carbs, exercise, etc.  Even then I wasn't losing quite as much as I should as quickly as I should for my size, but when you are as big as I, any loss is welcome.